I'm Still Here

Image from: http://uobmarketing.blogspot.com/2013/10/its-been-while.html

Hello out there world! It has been a while since I posted. That happens sometimes, though. Life just gets all busy and I get pulled in a million different directions. My family and I have also been going through some "stuff", for lack of a better word. It pains me that I can not share it with you. That is the fine line I choose to walk as a mom blogger, though. Some bloggers share everything. I choose to keep certain things close and sacred for the sake of my family and respect for their privacy. So, all I can say on that topic for now is that I am struggling mentally and emotionally...but will be OK...eventually.

Any-who...what's new around here? Great question.

Summer is fast coming to an end and school days are right around the corner. I will have a senior, a sophomore, a kindergartner and two three year olds this time around. Unreal. It blows my mind because I still don't feel old enough to have two kids in high school...but I do. We are starting to talk college plans with my oldest while my daughter begs every day to know how many more days until her first day of school ever. Best of both worlds.

I am looking forward to this new school year very much. Before the twins were born I was that mom that volunteered for anything and everything at school for my oldest boys. Even when my daughter DJ came along, I still managed to take on some big tasks for the school. Once the twins were born I had to step back and focus on the home front. Now that they are almost three, I can finally start volunteering again. Room mom, class parties, mystery readers, book fairs and more. It will be nice to get that piece of my life back that I have missed so much. I love being involved and sharing that passion with the children, getting them excited and involved in their school. And with the twins on DJ's proverbial school heels, we have MANY more years of this ahead of us. Yay!

The twins are almost three and have been coined by my second oldest son to be the "Deuce of Hazards". Love it...the name, not the hazards, lol. These two crazy toddler boys get into more mischief and situations than my previous three children do/did combined. Two brains are truly better than one and they prove this to me almost daily. Just for a short example, we have been in our new house about fourteen months now and my twins are on their third doorknob for their bedroom already. What!? Yeah...just a tiny glimpse into my world where the twins are concerned. You never know what you are going to find when you go into their room. Just the other afternoon I went in to get them up after their nap and found them both just chilln' naked in Z's bed, not a care in the world. Happy and free. When I asked them where their diapers went, Z told me they were gone. Well, they weren't "gone" but were shoved into a crack in their race car beds. At least they didn't poop on the floor. Ha! Someday I will get around to telling you all more about their shenanigans. Promise.

My new business is starting out pretty slow, which is totally fine and to be expected. I am in no hurry since my twins won't even be headed to school for another three years. Also, with some of that family "stuff" I mentioned earlier, I have decided to take a couple of weeks off of trying to get it up and running so that I can stay focused on us and not cause myself to have another year like 2014. 2014 and I were not great friends and I will leave it at that. I truly believe that being a personal chef is the right choice of career for me and my family but I will continue to get it going at my own pace, on my own terms. That's what makes it so great, being my own boss. You can get the whole scoop on my business website at www.flavorfare.com!

My GoFundMe charity just celebrated it's first birthday! If you haven't heard about my mission yet, please check it out. Basically, once a month my volunteers and I cook a weeks worth of meals for a local family in need who are struggling with an ill child/family member. With the donations we receive we are able to purchase the groceries needed to accomplish this task. I would love your support or even just a share to spread the word about Food With Love! Thank you.

There are so many things on my plate that I want to share with you but I will save it for a later date. Once the kids get back into the whole school routine and the "stuff" is finally behind me, I look forward to doing so. I have room makeovers coming up, some DIY home decor projects, a few parties to host and so much more. So, please, stay tuned and check back. I appreciate your years of support and am excited for many many more.

 If you would like to keep up with my recipes and kitchen product reviews, you can find those on my sub-blog Ginny Says So.

And I haven't had anyone take me up on this yet but I would LOVE to give it a go! I have an advice blog called Ask Ginny. Check it out and ask me questions. Anything at all. Cooking, parenting, marriage, career and much more. I am at the ready! Hit me with your best shot.

Until next time, have a wonderful week!

There's No Such Thing

Image from: http://www.christelow.com/five-little-monkeys-jumping-on-the-bed-by-eileen-christelow.html

...As a perfect day. At least not when you have five kids. Maybe if you just have one kid...maybe. I wouldn't know though so for now I will just assume...and whine a bit.

Oh, but I try. Some days I feel it stronger than others. Of course I want to be a great mom every day. I want my kids to be happy and feel loved and special all of the time. It's a mom thing, I'm sure. But this morning, standing in the kitchen, feeding the three littles their breakfast, staring out the sliding patio door at the sunny bright and glorious morning it was turning out to be I thought to myself, "Let's get out and do something fun today!" The teens are off of school. My preschooler is off for the day, too. We could all go, the six of us...to...the Como Zoo!! Yes!

So, I proceeded to pack a picnic lunch for my brood (because seriously, feeding six people at the zoo is sooooo expensive!). I also packed the diaper bag as quietly as I could so that the toddlers woulsn't see me. If they catch me they will freak out, start yelling "Bye, Bye!" repeatedly and throw their shoes and jackets at my feet constantly, for however long it takes to really be time to go "Bye Bye." Not an un-stressful event.

By this time it is about 9:45 A.M. and I decided that it was an okay time to ask the teens to get up even though it was a no school day and I really try not to wake them up unless I have to. Family time is a good enough reason in my book sometimes. So, teen number one got up no problem. Teen number two rolled around with an arm over his eyes, blocking out the hideously beautiful rays of sun shining so annoyingly through his bedroom window and mumbled in a pathetic little voice over and over, "Why?" I smirked, as he couldn't see me, and said, "Because I love you. I love you so much that I want to take you on a picnic so...get up." He rolled around some more and as I was leaving his room I heard him mumble something along the lines of, "Ugh, don't love me that much." Ha! I retort, "Oh, but I do, My Love. I do. Time to get up!"

Five kids awake, fed and nearly ready. What?! Yup. By 10:30 A.M. we were all in the car and on the way. I was admittedly on edge for the drive whole because my twin toddlers are car pukers. The worst. Driving anywhere that is a half hour or more away from our house is always a risky situation. Sigh. So, I watched them like a hawk all the way there, ready to pull over and catch some vomit at a moments notice. Luckily, we made it to the zoo without incident. Whew!

I had also decided to be brave and bring no stroller. I repeat...No Stroller! The twins are two and a half years old. I wanted them to use up lots of their pent-up-being-stuck-in-the-house-all-winter-long energy while also learning to listen and follow me in public. This could have gone horribly wrong but...it didn't. They were total champs. Or as they prefer that I call them..."Big Guys."

The zoo was not busy at all. We got great parking. The kids got up close with any animal they wished. It was amazing. I knew going into this venture that it could have been the complete opposite. A day off of school and it was almost 50° outside for maybe the first time all winter long. As a Minnesotan, I was shocked but in a good way. It was probably one of the best trips to the zoo with my kids that I have ever had. Truly.

We even made it all the way back home afterwards with no vomiting, although I had taken off their jackets and kept the windows open a bit trying to keep them at the perfect temperature. Looking back on what I have written so far really magnefys to me that I have so many things to think about all of the damn time. Like one of those plate twirlers of the old variety shows. It can feel like that sometimes. I also know that I am only remembering some of the day's details. Ah well. I am sure most people quit reading this ridiculous account many paragraphs ago.

Image from: http://outoftheash.com/2014/07/

We got home at around 3:00 P.M. and everyone was still pretty happy. One teen ran off to play basketball with a friend and the other one down to his XBox. The three littles played nice in the toy room until 4:00 and I decided the twins needed a little quiet time in their room while I started dinner. They were only mad about that for a couple minutes. No biggie.

I found a batch of chili that I had frozen a while back and chose that for dinner. Nice and easy after a long day out with all of the kiddos. Threw in a couple trays of fries, why not? Chili Cheese Fries it was with hardly any cooking effort.

I go to check on the twins at 5:00 P.M. and Z had fallen asleep but not E so I brought them both back down to the toy room. I didn't want Z to sleep too long and be up all night but, he actually stayed asleep even after I brought him down so I just let him be. He slept through dinner. My first sign that the night was possibly taking a turn. But at that point I think maybe I can still keep it up. I was exhausted but wanted them to be happy still so I decided that we should go to the YMCA since Z slept so late. It is their favorite place to go, after all. That way Z could use up his energy so he would still go to bed at a normal time, right?

Halfway to the YMCA and Z started crying that he was hungry, "Hun-gy Mommy. Hun-gy!" The one time I do not pack granola bars in the diaper bag for our trip to the gym. Total bummer. We got all the way into the gym and up to the childcare counter and he has a total meltdown. Lucky for us there is a Subway in the building so I checked in DJ and E and proceeded to sneak back out with Z so that E wouldn't see us. Not an easy task as they are pretty attached to each other, you know, twins and all. I succeded and bought him a ham sandwich kids meal. We sat down, just the two of us, while he ate the whole thing. It was actually a very sweet little unplanned dinner date. He was so cute and very happy.

When he was all finished eating he got excited to go to the childcare room and play. He practically ran all the way there through the hallways. We got in and he started to have another meltdown out of nowhere because he was suddenly very thirsty for water, mind you he drank all of his milk just minutes ago. He couldn't stop crying. E saw us and came over just as I was getting Z my water bottle and then he started to have a meltdown from the other side of the wall because he wanted water now too. It didn't end. They just kept crying and we all had to leave. Z kept saying, "Go bye bye." No workout for Mommy. I had packed up and drove all the way to the gym with three kids in tow for nothing. At least it felt that way. We got to the car and Z started crying that he wants to go to the YMCA. (Insert face palm here) He continued crying all the way home.

As I drove home with the sound of my youngest son crying I though to myself, thank goodness there is a box of wine at home. Then, I immediately remembered that I had to pick up one of my teens from baseball practice at 9:30 P.M. and that there would be no wine for me anytime soon. Ugh! Lol. So, I decided to sit here and write this stupid story and torture you, my readers, instead. So sorry.

Anyway, my point...let's pretend there really is one. Shall we?

It doesn't matter how hard I try or how good my intentions are going into a day like today. With five children, five personalities, five wills, fifty fingers, twenty limbs, five mouths and so very much more, I can not and will not ever make them all happy at the same time. We won't ever have one whole perfect day from start to finish. There is always going to be "something." Someone is going to cry. Someone is going to fall down. Someone is going to hit someone else. Someone is going to have an accident. Someone is not going to like the food. Someone is going to spill. Someone is going to say something mean. Someone is going to puke. But you know what? I am going to keep on trying. I am going to keep on taking them places and trying to give them that perfect day. I am going to pack picnics and wake them up early when the mood strikes me. I am going to keep trying even when I am exhausted. Even when I know how it's all going to end.

Because I am a Mom and that's what we do.

Now, I will go pick up my kid so I can come home and have that glass of wine.

10 Things I Want My Teenaged Son to Know Now That He is Dating

My first born, my oldest son, soon to be sixteen, officially has his first real girlfriend. I got this. I have been mentally preparing myself for this for most of his life. Otherwise, I might just have been a wreck. I know deep down in my heart that I have raised a good boy, a good person...a really good man. But, I am a mother to the core so now that the time is in the here and now, of course I have some last words of wisdom for him as I send him out into the world for his next chapter of life. These words are for him.

Image from: http://www.teenink.com/art/photographs/48447/Love/

Remember the Little People

New love. Young love. So easy you will fall. Into it. Deep into it. Just remember that there are still other people in your life that need you and love you. Balance the times with your girlfriend and with the rest of your family and friends as best you can. You will not be able to spend every single day with her and that needs to be okay, with both of you. Time apart will be good for you both and the relationships you already had in place need to be nourished and cherished too. You will still have school and homework, sports and other extracurriculars, mutual and different friends. Perhaps a job soon, too? Be balanced.

Don't Forget Who You Are

Stay true to who you are. You are good and you are decent. Do not try to change for someone else ever. Do not allow someone to cause you self doubt. You will both have things in common and other things that are not. It is okay to not enjoy all of the same things together. That is what everyone else in your life is for. Share your time and your interests with many and all of your relationships will flourish while not losing yourself in the process. Be you.

Your Happiness Matters Too

You get to be happy too. Your gut reactions will be to make decisions based on her: what she thinks, what she is doing, who her friends are, what they will think and say. It may feel like it at times but please remember that she is not the Sun and you are not the Earth that revolves around her. Do what makes you happy and continue to do so. Maybe you like adventure movies and she likes romantic comedies? Take turns choosing what to see. Be happy.

Don't Feed the Drama

I was in high school and I remember all too well what it was like. Sometimes the Drama Monster rears it's ugly head. Do not feed that monster. That monster will eat you alive given the chance. Focus on what is important and real. What you can and cannot control. Who you do or do not trust. Remember what you value and hold onto those things. If someone truly cares about you they will not drag you unwillingly into the clutches of the Monster. Be strong.

Don't Be a Creep

This one goes both ways really. Do not try to control her or change her. When you speak to her do so with kindness and compassion. Don't go through her phone or stalk her Facebook profile. Without trust in each other you have nothing. Trust her to talk to other guys and have guy friends. Feel secure with your place in her life. Never lay a hand on her in anger, no matter how frustrating teen aged girls can be at times. Be in control of your actions and your words. No means no and patience is a virtue. Be virtuous.

Stand Out

Anyone can do dinner and a movie and sometimes it's the perfect date. But, sometimes you can do better than that. Stand out and apart from the other guys. Have fun and try new things together. A picnic in the park or laser tag? A hike in the woods or a day at the water park? Cook her dinner all by yourself. You are young and this is your time to have fun and be silly. Life is short and grown up responsibilities will sneak up on you in a flash. Enjoy your youth. Be creative.

Chivalry is Not Dead

It's 2014, I know. Times have changed more than I can say but that doesn't mean old school is a bad thing. Bring her flowers and open doors for her. Carry her books and borrow her your jacket when she gets cold. Rub her feet and hold her hand. She can be as independent as she wants to be but a little love, attention and care from the guy she's into will mean a whole lot. Be that guy.

It Might Not Last

No teen wants to hear this, I am aware. I was there once upon a time. But it is the truth just the same. You may get your heart broken. This may actually happen many times and it is completely and totally normal. Yes, some first loves make it and live happily ever after and that is sweet and special in it's own way but most likely there will be many girlfriends and loves throughout your life. Each will be it's own thing and teach you new things about yourself. Your heart will break and become well again, with time. I will be here for you each and every time with a dry shoulder to cry on, a Hershey Bar in hand and an open mind. You will probably get your heart broken. Beware.

Love Your Future Children

And my future grandchildren, to be frank. We've had the talks. I have been preparing you for years. You are a good boy and I know it in my heart. But, love is blind and sometimes all consuming. Remember these words. I prefer you abstain from sex. I am not saying abstain until marriage because sex is too important in a marriage to not be sure. But before you go there you need to be pretty darn sure that she is the one for you. Birth control, and contraception in general, are not 100% effective. Think of the life you wish to give your future children. Think of the life you wish to lead. Think of the girl you love and whether or not you would trust her explicitly to raise your children with all of your same values, principals and wishes. If you have any doubts, I beg of you, do not have sex with her. There are soooo many other things you two could do besides real sex. Protect, respect and love the children you will have someday. By being responsible in this way you are already one step ahead in the game of parenting. And if you absolutely can not wait, trust me to listen, understand and send you out the door with what you need to do things safely. Be prepared.

Someday, Someone WILL Love You More Than I Do

I have always heard the opposite but I do not agree. Some say that no one will ever love you as much as your own mother. For you I hope differently. I adore you. You are everything to me. I am proud of you. I live my life for you and your four younger siblings. But, someday you will find the one. I hope for you all of the love and happiness a guy could have. Someday you will leave home and some other day you will make a home with someone else. You should be so lucky to have the love and adoration of an amazing woman and wife. A blessed life. A true partner forever. I hope she loves you more than I do. Be loved.

Love,

Mom

I Will Miss You

As we sat together, just the two of us on a rare and special date, I watched you eat a popsicle, cherishing each and every bite like it was the best thing you had ever tasted; red and blue melted popsicle dripping from your chin. It was all I could do not to cry while sitting and watching you in a little booth at the Dairy Queen. In that moment, it all hit me so hard and I have been meaning to write this for you.

My dearest daughter,

I will miss you. I know that you are not going anywhere, not anytime soon at least, seeing as you are only four years old. But I will miss you just the same. I am blessed to know you and proud to be your mother. Everyday I wonder and hope that I am doing right by you, my only girl in a sea of brothers. I can relate, as I was raised with five brothers of my own. I guess we were destined to be, two peas in a pod. A pod of testosterone that we must wade through together, you and me kid.

Why am I saying that I will miss you? Because I know that our time together gets closer and closer to an end with each passing day. Time is flying by, slipping through my weary fingers like sand. Maybe I squeeze a little to tight sometimes, trying to hold on to as many grains of that sand as I can. Then I remember that I am supposed to let the sand slowly slip away and hope I let it out in all the right places.

I know I loose my temper sometimes. I know I get stressed out and that it is not your fault. You went from being the little baby princess in a house full of big people, the apple of our eyes, the highlight of our days to being the middle child and a big sister to baby twin brothers all in a day. We have our good days and bad and I need you to know how very much I love you. I love you as much now, if not more, than the day you were born; a freezing cold evening on a Blue Moon that I will never forget and cherish forever. You are still my princess. You are still my apple. You still brighten all of my days.

But you are changing, as you should. You are no longer my sweet little baby girl that I wished for for forever. As much as I adore the little girl you are blossoming into, I will miss you and all the little pieces of the past you. I will miss holding your tiny body in my arms and the smell of your freshly washed baby hair. I will miss humming in your ear while I sway you to sleep, rocking side to side, hip to hip. I will miss picking out your clothes and cutting up all of your food. I will miss you running through the sprinkler in the yard in just your undies, without a care or a worry because you don't know yet the kind of world we live in. I will miss the way you eat your favorite foods with gusto, never worrying what others think or that you have food on your chin. I will miss the way you can't tell a knock-knock joke right to save your life. I will miss standing unnoticed outside your bedroom door while you play and make voices for all of your little stuffed animal friends. I will miss the day you stop carrying around your most favorite raggedy stuffed polar bear everywhere we go. I will miss your need for me in all your precious ways.

I will also miss all of the not so fun parts of you, like when you scream at me and slam the doors. I will even miss when you bicker with your brothers and have an accident in your underwear. I will miss the way you tell me you hate the dinner I cooked and that you like the hair on my butt. (She was not talking about my butt ;-) I will miss cleaning up after you when you are puking sick. I will miss telling you "no" all of the time and you making it seem like I ran over your puppy each and every time I utter that tiny word. I will miss being shot with the daggers from your eyes, piercing me through the heart every single time.

I will miss all of these things, both the good and the bad, because it is all part of the journey of being your mom. These are the things that make it real and I am grateful to share them all with you. This journey that I wish would last a little longer than it should. A journey that I try not to take for granted, but know I fail at miserably here and there. I need you to know how very much I love you, forever and always, no matter who you are or who you become.

And I am looking forward to the rest of the journey, the twists, the turns and everything in between. I hope you are, too.

Love,
Mom

In Rememberance

A year ago today beautiful lives were lost. I won't get into the details but I will ask a favor of all of you. I am sure you know a mom somewhere in your life. Your own, your wife, sister, friend, random coworker? It could be any mom. Maybe you noticed her smile has been a bit off or seemed almost forced lately. Maybe you used to notice her all of the time but she sort of fell off the grid for a while and you never really thought twice about it. Maybe you can just tell she has been bravely treading water and holding her own and doing an amazing job for however long now. Whatever the situation...reach out to a mom today. Give her a friendly call. Ask if there is anything she needs or that you could do for her. Help her bag her groceries. Send her flowers with a note that says what a great job she is doing or that she's beautiful and appreciated. Anything...do anything to make a moms day just a little better or easier or happier in the next few days. And when you do it, please take a moment to remember Steph. http://ginnylouden.blogspot.com/2013/04/desperations-of-wounded-mother.html

Where Did a Whole Month Go?

Oops. Really? A whole month (just over, actually, but who's counting?) has passed since my last post. This troubles me a bit. Only because writing is one of my favorite things to do now and I obviously do not get enough time to do it. I haven't been slacking off or anything. I'm sure that is what you are all thinking...unless, of course, you know me and that I have five kids and how finding that "me time" can be very tricky. Very tricky, indeed.

A couple posts ago I had a...what should I call it...a "mini meltdown", perhaps? I have since deleted that post for reasons that are my own, although I saved a copy and will re-post it again someday when the time is right. I am not ashamed of my feelings or my words. I own them. I am human. I do, however, need to protect myself sometimes...for now.

The reason I bring up the "meltdown" is because I have put a lot of changes into motion since that day. I realized, after putting my broken self in black and white for the world to see, that I needed to deal with some things in my life. I needed to make changes, make decisions, have conversations and figure out what exactly I want from this new strange life. Fifteen months ago I was a full time working mother of three. Overnight I became a stay at home mother of five. Before the twins I was focused, organized, busy and determined...in a good way. Since the twins were born I have been scatter-brained, indecisive and a little lost. I have also been extremely happy, though. I love being a mom so very much. I've said it before and I will say it again: motherhood is my favorite. Picture me saying it like Will Ferrell's character in Elf when he says, "I just like to smile. Smiling's my favorite."

"I just like to be a mom. Being a mom's my favorite." But at the same time, I felt the real me slowly slipping away. I have had moments where I felt like I might drown. I was giving up so much and taking on way too much, all at the same time. I had to prioritize. That is where I have been for the last month or so. I feel much better. I have refreshed optimism (with a healthy side dish of realistic goals and expectations.)

Image from: http://www.srednja.hr/Novosti/Svijet/Otkriveno-koji-tip-ljudi-ima-najvise-sanse-za-uspjeh-i-srecu

What specifically have I changed? The most important thing I have done since the "meltdown" is to have a heart-to-heart talk with my beloved husband. I will begin by saying that I try very hard to leave my marital issues out of this blog out of deep respect for his privacy. I am the one who chose to put my life in print, not him. I must also clarify that when I say "marital issues", we have very few negative issues. He is an amazing man and my perfect match in every way possible. I love him unconditionally and trust him explicitly and I know, without a doubt, that he feels the same way about me. How could we possibly go wrong with a marriage like that, right?

One thing. Since the twins were born, bless their little hearts, we have probably experienced the hardest thing that we have ever had to deal with as a couple. Five kids is no cake walk. And after a little while, instead of leaning on each other as we should have, we sort of both retreated to our own corners, in our own ways, to lick our wounds like beat down dogs and suffer alone in silence. So silly. We should know better. So, we spoke our minds, we shed our tears and we made some changes that have already begun to work their magic. All is well and we are the stronger for it, both as a couple and as a family. Yeah us!

Where are my priorities? I am only taking on one volunteer project for the school this year. I am the Scholastic Book Fair Chair for my son's middle school. This is something that we can do together; bonding with each other while doing something important at the same time. Win-win.

Instead of quiting The Mommies Network, I took a leave of absence from my volunteer posts. After speaking with the founder of the organization, this seemed like the right choice. After the holidays are over, I will continue as chapter manager for MinneapolisMommies but I have chosen to step down as their Blended Families Forum Moderator. This will allow me to focus on the part that is most important to me, which is building a local community of mothers who can get together, support each other and go out and have a good time every once in a while. If I need these things, there have to be a whole lot of other moms that do to.

I am making an effort to play my guitar more. I am even trying to write a song or two and have started to get callouses on the tips of my left fingers again, which I haven't had since high school. I am putting no pressure on myself and it feels good. Whatever happens, happens. I am not working out, trying to get the perfect body back. I probably won't get to fulfill a long time dream to be in a musical this summer. I am not going to be in a pageant and represent my town. There are so many things that I want(ed) to do, but I am learning to accept the fact that not all of these wishes will turn out to be. I am forcing myself to be much more choosy in my efforts. This will help me not feel let down or broken hearted. I don't want to be the girl that is all talk with no follow through. I am now trying to allow myself to really focus on the most important things. This will take some discipline.

I just celebrated my birthday. I am now 36. I am 100% okay with this. I embrace my aging. Although, a thought did cross my mind this week. I had a moment where I was sad because I realized how old I was and that I had nothing to show for it. No career, no degree. I had not accomplished a single dream that I had for myself from when I was a kid. I am not even remotely close to where I thought I would be. This moment of sadness was brief. Partly because many of those dreams were far fetched and a tiny bit unrealistic for regular people. But mostly, the sadness was brief because I thought to myself, "Ginny, don't be an idiot. Look at your life." I have a lot to show. I have an adoring husband and five of the best kids a mom could ask for. I have a house and two cars, health insurance, savings and investments. I have a huge family full of love and support for each other. I am healthy and alive. I get to be a stay at home mom! I have food in the refrigerator and clothes on my back. Not everyone can say all of these things. I am not saying it to brag or to pat myself on the back. I am saying it for perspective. I am saying it to remind myself that I have no reason to feel bad about what I have or have not done with my life.

I am going to digress for a moment...but when the hell did we become grown-ups? Seriously. Over the last year there has been so much change and loss and pain and happiness. I have lost old friends and acquaintances to cancer, suicide and death by natural or unexplained causes. People in my world have experienced abuse and divorce, marriages, births and miscarriages, custody battles and lawyer bills. New homes have been purchased and old homes have been lost or sold. There have been home improvements, both planned and not so planned. (Don't even get me started on my damn boiler heat issue) Jobs have come and gone. Life is in constant motion all around us and it can knock us on our asses at times by the pure heaviness of it all. I was out with an old girlfriend a few weeks ago and we were in total disbelief about all of the real "grown-up shit" that has unfolded itself before us, and people we know, from all possible angles. One day you are twenty years old and then you blink and suddenly you are an adult and real life just sort of happened all around you. Again, perspective. I really need to complain a lot less.

So, what do I want? I want to continue being a stay at home mom. I want to be more patient. I want to be a better wife and mother. I want to write more. I want to volunteer. And I have decided to go back to school and finish my two year Associates degree that I started back in 2001. I will officially be a full time student, entirely online, in January. This is my list to focus on. These are the things I have decided are most important to me. These are the things that made the cut. This is how I move from sink to swim. Wish me luck.

Goodbye Summer, Hello Reality

Image from: https://www.mint.com/blog/consumer-iq/top-back-to-school-shopping-mistakes-0813/

Goodbye Summer

Another Summer's gone away,

Upon the wind as yesterday.

Good intentions come and gone.

Memories forever fond.

Living lives,

Chasing dreams.

It never ends,

Or so it seems.

The bustling house

Now quiet and still.

Find something to do,

I must, I will.

Virginia Louden 9/3/2013

Hello reality. Party's over kids. It's back to routines and schedules, bedtimes and checklists. Screens and devices all suddenly kept in check to make room for all of the homework and extracurricular activities that are sure to fill your days. Expectations are high and rightfully so. I have faith in you both, my eldest sons. You are smart and important and capable people. Maybe you will roll your eyes and think this is cliche...but you two can truly do anything. I can say this, not only because I am your mother and slightly biased, but because I really know you. I've been paying attention. I've witnessed nearly everyday of your growth from newborn precious little infant cuddled in my virgin mommy arms to outstanding human being, ready to take on the world with each new day, with very little help from me.

I know you both hem and haw when it's time to go back to school, bummed out that Summer's over and real work is about to begin. But I also know that you toss and turn in your beds, anxious and excited to get back to it. You can tell me that you wish school wasn't starting again and again, over and over, but I see the not so well hidden smiles as you stare at the clock in the morning, counting down the minutes until it is time to rush out the front door, off to school, to see your friends, back packs full of fresh new supplies just itching to get used up, and to go out into the world to live your lives, away from me. I know you.

And is it hard for me? Yes and no. It's hard because I love you so much and I miss holding you in my arms, smelling your freshly washed infant hair. I miss kissing your every boo boo and cutting up your food. I miss your chubby little toddler arms wrapped around my neck as though I was a life preserver and you needed me so. I miss your innocence and your baby doe eyes. I miss you.

More importantly, it is not too hard. I love watching you turn into amazing young men before my eyes. I like dreaming of the future with you. I love watching you play ball and trombone. I love big kid hugs when your arms can reach all the way around me and you really mean it. I love looking at your shoes and being blown away by the fact that they are too big for me to slip on and take out the trash. I love that twinkle in your eye when you are texting a girl and don't think I am paying attention. I love helping you find your way in this world and being a part of your journey. I love you.

With all of that said...I am looking forward to another promising year. I am proud of you both. I hope today is wonderful. Good luck boys. I'll be staring at the clock, too.


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Laughter & Tears

I'm going to give you a little of both. A typical day in my world contains the two. I'm not just talking about myself. There are, of course, the kiddos. Teenie weenie emotional roller coasters, in constant motion, keeping me on my toes. Going out on errands can be a trip, pun intended. When I have to take some or all of them out...I have to have a plan...and a s#!t load of patience.

The Plan: 

It takes me about an hour to get everyone ready to go somewhere. Therefore, whatever I am going to go and do had better be worth it. I have to really need something, want something, have to get out of the house, have specific people I want to see or whatever my reason may be. It is probably not going to be "just because." Not until the twins are a little older, at least.

Before I can go anywhere, I have to pack the diaper bag: diapers, wipes, pull ups, changes of clothes (at least one for each baby, depending on how long we will be out and maybe one for DJ too), bottles, formula, baby snacks, DJ's snack, a couple toys, blankets (depending on the season and weather), sippy cup, possibly child sized cutlery, Desitin, wallet, phone, sunglasses, keys, sometimes coupons/vouchers...and always Neno Bear (DJ's woobie). In the winter time...let's not forget hats, mittens, boots, jackets and snow pants for all!

Then I make sure all three little ones have clean butts and clean clothes on. I check on the dog and turn off all the lights. I may have to cover the giant stroller and bungee it on to the back of my Yukon. I bring the diaper bag and anything else we are taking along and load it into the truck. If I am home alone with the three little kids I corral one baby in the living room, bouncy chair, swing or somewhere else safe and carry the other baby to the car and then run back into the house as quickly as possible to grab the second baby and DJ. If my husband and/or my two teenagers are coming with, the getting into the car logistics are a little easier, but really it is just more people and more stuff. Away we go.

I also make sure to get as much into a trip as I can. The less total trips out of the house, the easier it is on me. A perfect example was three months ago. The babies were due for their six month check ups. I decided to make all of our family appointments for one day. Some might think this is crazy, but in my opinion it was so much better. We started out the day with five dentist appointments at eight o'clock in the morning. I had my husband go first so he could get to work as soon as possible...again, crazy, but the hard truth is we are a family of seven on one income. Daddy's gotta work. After the dentist, around ten o'clock, we went over to the pediatricians where the babies had well baby checks and my two older boys each had an appointment for something specific to each of them. We went out for lunch together after those appointments and then we had a little bit of time to kill so we ran into Walmart and the grocery store for a few things we needed. After all of that we went to the eye doctor where me and the two older boys had appointments at around three thirty or so. I believe we left there at five-ish. It ended up being a long day but I found it easier than doing it all in three or four different days. I have also been blessed with pretty well behaved children. Thank goodness. Pretty sure I ordered pizza that night, though. Who wants to cook after all that noise?

The Patience:

These pictures are from the babies nine month check ups, but it gives you a glimpse into what it can be like...

I gave up trying to get them to not tear up the paper roll within a few seconds. Ah well. As long as I kept them from rolling off the doctor's table, I was good. They can only wait patiently for so long. And most of you have been in a doctor's office...you can't see in these pictures, but my other three children are in the room, too. Think about it.

The Laughter:

I found a perfect example of the ridiculousness that can ensue while bringing multiple children out and into the world to go somewhere. This image is from www.ninjamomblog.com. I recently found her blog and I think she is great.

Image from: http://www.ninjamomblog.com/p/other-writing-and-pr-info.html#.UfLtCI1r2a9

Too true! I can't even begin to tell you. I laughed so hard when I saw this the first time. Thank you, NinjaMom!

I have also come up with a new way to decide who gets my grocery shopping business, if I have to bring all three little kids with me, now that the babies grew out of their car seats with carrying handles. I go to my favorite grocery store first, Cub Foods, and drive around their parking lot, checking in all the cart corrals until I find one of those shopping carts with the kid car on the front. Those carts have TWO baby seats with buckles in addition to the fun car. If they do not have one of those kinds of carts on the lot, I leave and drive to the next grocery store and drive around their lot. This is the only way to ensure maximum success and safety getting them all from my car and into the store. It hasn't happened yet, but if neither store had a cart like that available, I would either call it quits and go home, or if I really needed to, I could drive to yet another grocery store.

The Tears:

This is where it gets a little heavy. I am adding a link to a video I saw last night that someone had shared on Facebook. I sat in silence, with my headphones on, and watched it while tears trickled down my cheeks. I almost turned it off when I realized exactly where it was going but I decided to force myself to sit through it anyway. It is fake. It is portrayed by actors. It is not dramatized. In real life it happens too often and sometimes it is good to have a reminder. Watch at your own risk.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/19/kids-left-in-cars-psa_n_3623597.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009

Some days can be hard or stressful. There have been times when I am driving home from somewhere and think to myself. "Oh crap, we are out of milk." or that I really wished I had something or another. But if I am not willing to take every single child out of the car and in with me to a store or anywhere else, I am NOT going to go! Absolutely nothing in the whole wide world is worth the risk of leaving a child in a car. I don't care about the weather or the location or the circumstances. It can be such a pain in the ass to haul them all around but I just have to deal with that. I will never do it. And I probably won't ever watch this video again. My heart can't handle it.

The End:

Parenting is joy and sacrifice. Pleasure and pain. I take one day a step at a time. It's the best I can do.

What the Funk.

"Just because I am awesome doesn't mean that I want to be awesome all of the time." - me

Image from: http://smartwomanonline.com/feature/2008/02/multitasking-run-amok/3/

I have been in a bit of a funk. I have so many things that I need to accomplish but don't have the motivation to do them. I found this piece of art online today and it looks just like I feel...

Image from: http://society6.com/LindseyPuddles/In-a-Funk_Print

And now I feel like a complainer for saying so. Ugh!

A fellow blogger, and old high school classmate, wrote a post recently that I related to almost exactly. The biggest difference is that she works and I don't, but other than that I know what she is feeling with my whole heart. It is titled Balancing Act and here is a link: http://beckyberry217.blogspot.com/2013/07/balancing-act.html

I feel completely alone and surrounded by people at the same time. I feel like I am strong enough to do anything but can't get myself up and moving to start. I feel extreme happiness for everything I have been blessed with in my life and that I have also become lost along the way. Some days I feel like I may have actually reached Super Mom status and then the next day I feel like the biggest raging B-word to have ever walked the planet and then feel sorry for my children because they deserve better than I gave. I feel like a walking contradiction.

I am obviously a little depressed. It has happened before and it will happen again. I'm not a doctor but I know that I do not need medication. I just need time. Pills won't make my kids leave me in peace for a bit while I clean a bathroom. Pills won't make my house in a condition to sell. Pills won't make my papers file themselves. I just need time. Luckily I am ridiculously patient, sometimes to a fault. Someday the picture that represents how I feel will look a little more like this...

Image from: http://antiworldnews.wordpress.com/2012/01/04/1-happiness-habits-for-busy-people/

"Meet Virginia" 

By: Train

She doesn't own a dress
Her hair is always a mess,
You catch her stealin' she won't confess
She's Beautiful.

Smokes a pack a day, but wait,
That's me, but anyway
She doesn't care a thing
About that hair,
She thinks I'm beautiful
Meet Virginia

She never compromises,
Loves babies and surprises,
wears high heels when
she exercises
Ain't it beautiful
Meet Virginia

Well she wants to be the Queen
Then she thinks about her scene
Pulls her hair back as she screams
"I don't really wanna be the Queen"

Daddy wrestles alligators
Mama works on carburetors
Her brother is a fine mediator
For the president
And here she is again on the phone
just like me hates to be alone
we just like to sit at home
and rip on the President
Meet Virginia, Mmmm...

Well she wants to live her life
Then she thinks about her life
Pulls her hair back, as she screams
"I don't really wanna live this life"

She only drinks coffee at midnight
When the moment is not right
Her timing is quite, unusual
You see her confidence is tragic, but her
Intuition magic And the shape of her body?
Unusual

Meet Virgina I can't wait to
Meet Virginia, yeah e yeah hey hey hey

Well she wants to be the queen and
then she thinks about her scene
Well she wants to live her life
then she thinks about her life
Pulls her hair back as she screams
"I don't really wanna be the queen"
I, I don't really wanna be the queen
I, I don't really wanna be the queen
I, I don't really wanna live this

Yesterday...

...kicked my arse. All I wanted to do was write. My goal for the day was to keep the kids happy, get a few chores done around the house so I didn't feel like a lazy bump for not accomplishing my household duties while I typed nonsense into the laptop, and then spend a relaxing evening in the living room with a big happy family while I did what I was so looking forward to doing. This is not how my day unfolded. By the end of the day I was laying on the couch, feeling nauseous and mentally exhausted, crabby as all get out and being weighed down into the cushions by a general feeling of malaise. I had been beat down.

By what? Nothing in particular; no specific pinpointable thing. It was just a day. I'm sure you can relate. The children were cranky and restless. Most likely feeling cooped up from all the rain and severe weather we have had over the last few days. The older children were nit picking and bickering off and on throughout the afternoon. My referee skills constantly at the ready. My house felt as though it was swallowing me alive. Some days the laundry and dishes and pet hair and everything else feels as though it is closing in all around me, similar to the scene in Star Wars where they are all trapped in the disgusting trash compactor room. Blah!

I tried getting the five kids out of the house to see if this helped their moods. It helped briefly. We took a very long walk through the neighborhoods of our town. I even stopped at the local CVS to pick up treats for us to eat and drink while we walked. It felt all-for-not, in the end. Ah well.

I did some dishes and then, with seven people in the house, the pile just magically reappeared, as usual. I washed and folded laundry for the better part of the day. By the time early evening rolled around and I was feeling beaten down, I had to give up. One load still in the washer and one in the dryer, a giant folded mountain covering the entire dining room table; it would just have to wait. 

Cooking dinner? Forget it. I fed the little ones something easy and the rest had to fend for themselves. Mini pizzas, Ramen noodles, leftover tacos, salads, sandwiches, a bowl of cereal; I didn't care and was in no mood. I ate a bowl of cereal around ten at night even though I wasn't feeling hungry.

My vacuum decided to die. Well, not really die, but needs some maintenance. I guess I need to take it apart, clean the roller, wash the filter, let them dry out and so on. Good grief. It's on the to do list. Maybe tonight even though I don't feel up to it yet. My poor babies are crawling all over now and I'm feeling kinda bad about that. This sucks...or not...get it? Sorry. Lame joke.

I had my oldest son help me put the air conditioners in the kids bedroom windows yesterday, finally. You know, it had only gotten to 84 degrees in their rooms the last few nights. When my daughter woke up immediately asking for a glass of water, I was feeling like a pretty bad mother at that point. But, all is better temperature wise today.

By 6:45 PM I had had enough for one day. I was on edge. I was starting to get very short with everyone. I felt like my face had gone into droopy walking zombie mode. This couldn't have been helping anyone around me. I tapped out, so to speak. All three little ones were put to bed a little earlier than usual. I felt a bit bad about doing this, but I have learned from experience (and some videos they make you watch in the hospital before you can take your baby home) that sometimes it is better to lay them down and walk away before you can do something stupid or potentially harmful. Not that I would ever get to the point of shaking a baby. I am very aware of my actions. But, it is still no good for them if I am in a bad mental place. They all fell asleep shortly after and were "happier". At that point, I laid on the couch, in and out of restless sleep and tossing, while the two big kids took turns playing Skyrim. After a while, I had had enough of that too and had them put in a movie.

To make a long story no shorter, yesterday sucked. I don't want to be a complainer, just venting, I suppose. If you would like me to shut the hell up, just close this tab on your computer screen. No offense will be taken. Today I woke up in a slightly better mood. Feeling a little less ill, anyway. I finished the dishes and the laundry. I baked banana chocolate chip bread for a family potluck we are going to this evening. I am writing, although not one of the many other "fun" topics I really wanted to write about because I am in no frame of mind for my words to come out right. I took a shower, which was probably the highlight of my weekend, so far. "It is what it is." I hate this saying but feel it is truthful at the moment.

Another mom I know said to me a while back, after having a rough day or two with her own children, that she felt bad about feeling so overwhelmed and had thought to herself that "Ginny can do this, no problem, and she has five kids. She is a super mom. I only have two kids and am struggling." I had to take a moment and set her straight. Although I was flattered and admittedly I can put on a good show of having all my shit together but, I have just as many bad days as the rest of the moms out there. I hide in my room and cry alone. I yell at my kids when I maybe shouldn't. I give them junk food for dinner when I have no will or energy to do anything more. I skip going places we were supposed to go because it is just too much work physically and mentally sometimes. I say to myself, in my head, "I'm gonna jump!" I am not a "Super Mom". I never said I was. I do try to be. I give it my best shot within my measly human means, almost every day. I "aspire" to be one someday. But, other days...other days I throw in the towel. I conceded to their madness. I beat myself up on the inside. I am human.

And that is all it is. Yesterday. It is gone, it is over, it is not coming back. That is the beautiful thing about yesterdays. They go away. Today I try harder. Then, I cross my fingers and tell myself, "Tomorrow will be better."

Good Morning

Babies awake and diapered.

Bottles in their swings.

Coffee in my hand.

The rest are all asleep.

It is peaceful and quiet.

The morning birds are chirping.

There's no agenda today, 

Just spending time with family.

Twins slept for ten hours last night.

Could this be my new routine?

I'm feeling content.

It's a good morning.

They have been few and far between.

Breathe.

Guess I'll go make breakfast.

Chocolate Chip Pancakes (from scratch) & Turkey Bacon

I Pushed & They Shoved (A Sequel)

* Content Warning * This post contains descriptions of child birth. Read at your own risk.

Rewind to August 18th, 2012. It was so hot out, record making hot. I was around thirty weeks pregnant and, unknown to me at the time, only six weeks away from giving birth to my twin bouncing baby boys; the little life changing, heart breaking, dream makers. I was mentally preparing for the birth experience and contemplating the possibility of natural childbirth, if the little bundles of joy cooperated. I was feeling very confident and strong. I made up my mind that day to have a conversation with my doctor and respectfully decline his recommended scheduled c-section. I would not evict the little buggers, no matter my level of discomfort. I knew they needed to grow inside of me however long their tiny bodies wished. I wanted to show up at the hospital in labor with all of my options open but also knew that I would have to be ready for surprises. Surprises, there were.

Me, pregnant with twins, at 31 weeks...Now imagine me at 36 weeks!

Did I mention I was huge? The last six weeks of my twin pregnancy were a bit rough. I was not bathing while home alone anymore, for fear of falling or being unable to lift myself out of the tub. It became very hard to wash myself properly and I had to take extra care getting under my belly and all the other hard to reach places and new creases so that I would not stink; remember it was the hottest summer in who knows how long. I could not lift my daughter in and out of the bath tub anymore. I would have to ask my husband or one of the boys to come in and lift her out when I was done. My maternity clothes barely fit me by then and I asked permission to wear slippers to work for the remainder of my employment due to severe ankle, feet and toe swelling. They allowed it. I took all stairs one at a time while holding on to the rails as tightly as possible, peeking past my giant belly with each step to check my aim. I was only sleeping for an hour or so at a time. I could only sleep on my sides and I would wake up to awful sharp pains in whichever hip I was laying on and would have to flip myself over to the other hip, back and forth, all night long. If you would ever like to experience this, strap a fifty pound weight tightly to your abdomen and then flip yourself over to the opposite hip every hour during your sleep. Then, strategically replace all of your pillows: one between your legs, one behind your back to prevent rolling and wedge one under the side of your belly so the skin does not stretch and hurt whilst trying to fall back asleep. Repeat this nightly for a few months. Always be mindful of your bed partner and try not to wake them up. Then get up and go to work in the morning. Fun!

I was very nervous of preterm labor. I had a couple scares that sent me to the hospital in the middle of the night there towards the end. I am not ashamed of this. I would rather be sent home knowing that everything was fine instead of sitting around at home guessing and possibly even harming the babies. If you get a crack in the amniotic sac and leak fluid, you are at risk of infection. This can harm the babies if bacteria becomes introduced into their environment. The babies were most likely putting too much pressure on my bladder and causing me to slowly and involuntarily wet myself. When you can't tell the difference, you have to go in and find out. I wasn't sleeping anyway, right? Field trip!

This brings us to September 27th, 2012. It was a Thursday morning. I had a super busy day scheduled at work and my last day was to be Friday. When I left for my 36 week appointment, I spoke to my boss because I was feeling a little ill and very uncomfortable. We agreed that I should take the rest of the day off in order to get some rest after my appointment; she would cover my work and I would be back the next morning for my last day. I was grateful. My health was great and the babies were doing wonderfully. I was never asked by my doctor to reduce my work hours. This was both a good thing and a bad thing. I did not want to be put on bed rest or reduced hours because we needed the money. I could have personally reduced my hours at any time I felt I should but unless it was recommended and signed off by my doctor, short term disability would not pick up the slack in any missed pay. So, I worked as much as I could and stepped out early here and there to get a nap or put my gigantic feet up. My boss was wonderful like that, so understanding.

My appointment went well. My Mom came along with me for extra support towards the end. My husband had an open invitation to all of my appointments, but we decided together that it was better for him to work, make money and save any paid time off for when the babies came and I needed him more. It is always good to have that second set of ears when things are overwhelming, though. My Mom is cool like that. I decided to ask the doctor to sweep my membrane that day. http://www.womenshealth.ie/pregnancy/sweeping-the-membranes/ I had it done when I was pregnant with my daughter and researched the pros and cons in preparation for this appointment. Sometimes it works to bring on labor and sometimes it does not. I felt that if the babies and my body were ready, it would bring on labor but also knew that it very well could not work and no harm would be done to any of us. This is the only procedure I would allow them to do. The week leading up to this appointment had been so physically trying, I cried so much that week. My body was near it's limit of what it could take. The sweeping worked.

By dinner time that evening, real contractions began. We sent our daughter to sleep over at her Oma's house (German for Grandma) in preparation for a possible late night trip to the hospital. It was the right decision. At around 3:00 in the morning of September 28th, I woke up my husband and told him it was time to go in. I snuck up to my older sons' room and gave them the option to come along. They decided to keep sleeping and I told them to stay home from school, we would keep them posted and someone would come pick them up and bring them to the hospital when it was time to meet their new baby brothers. One call to my Mom and we were on our way. I got hooked up, ice chipped and as comfortable as possible. Then the waiting began.

I decided, at the advice of the hospital staff, to accept an epidural. Baby A was head down and ready to go but Baby B was still lying transverse (horizontal) up under my ribs. I would have to deliver in the operating room in case of an emergency c-section. Were I to decline the epidural and a c-section was needed, there would be a significant amount of pain involved and having it already in place was the wisest choice. It ended up being a VERY good choice.

The urge to push came on quick and strong. The staff moved fast and got me to the operating room swiftly, husband and Mom in tow. The operating room was white, bright and uninviting. I can't even begin to tell you how many people were in that room. They were everywhere, busy as bees, organized chaos. I could barely move from pain and pure size. Do this, do that, they all kept saying. Getting up on the operating table was most difficult, I felt like a beached whale. I was in so much pain. Commotion all around me. Close my eyes and try to focus on breathing. Poked, prodded, pushed and pulled. Please let this go fast. Please let them be OK. Please let me live to see them. My mind was in a tail spin. Focus damn it!

I had two doctors on me; one to catch and one to run the ultrasound. I pushed...and pushed...and pushed...Baby A was here! That wasn't so bad, my Eddie Love. But don't get distracted, I still had one more to go. The next 7 minutes were absolute hell. I am suddenly being attacked. Hands all over me, frantic, repeatedly pushing on my belly with all of their might to try and get Baby B down. It's not working. It hurts. I feel a bit violated. I scan the room: Eddie is doing OK, I can barely see him through his circle of nurses but I can hear him crying. Mom and Allen are still there, trying their best to stay out of the way of the crowd. They seem OK. I did not realize, at the time, that they were wearing their poker faces, just for me. The doctor's are scared and loud. The catcher is about to throw in the towel and cut me wide open. The other doctor is not about to give up and pushes her aside. Suddenly, I can barely stand it. He is determined and I am in excruciating pain, even through the epidural. I squeeze my eyes shut as tight as I can. I don't want to see this. I grab both sides of the table and hold on like I have never held on to anything before. My hands cramp up and I squeeze even harder, as though a tornado is trying to rip a child from my death grip. If I felt violated a few minutes prior, it was nothing compared to this. The doctor was elbow deep inside of me, reaching for my baby, trying to save him. It felt like forever...and ever...oh my God, I wanted them out!

I must tell you, while I am sitting here writing and remembering, my body has been covered in goosebumps and chills, tears have welled up in my eyes. I was so scared and the feelings still crush me. I'll continue.

The doctor finally has a grip on Baby B's little foot and the pulling resumes ten fold. He does not slide out easily, he is breech and gets wedged, they are rushing to get him free. When he comes out into the bright and sterile world, he is not well. He is not breathing. His feet are black and blue as if he has been in a fight. His arm might even be broken. He has to be resuscitated. I do not get to see him for hours and hours. I had no idea this was going on. I had to deliver another placenta and get cleaned up and stitched. I could barely bring myself to keep my eyes open. I had just been severely assaulted and could barely stay awake, but they made me. It was almost over.

Baby B made it. He had to stay in the special nursery for at least 4 hours to be monitored due to very low blood sugar levels, but he pulled through and nothing was broken, just really banged up. Baby A did pretty well at first and was in my room with me in no time. About 3 1/2 hours later, Baby A was rushed off to the special nursery too because his blood sugar began to drop rapidly. It is not like me to let my babies go off without me, I had never let the previous three out of my sight while we were in the hospital, but this time it was out of my hands and I knew it. I had to let go. I had to sit back and allow this to play out without argument. I had to keep faith that we would all be OK. I was all alone in my room. I did not have my babies with me. I was so scared and so sad. I still hadn't met Baby B. Family started to show up. Put on my happy face and play nice. Smile.

The room is now full. There are at least ten of our closest family members in there and no babies. They had all just missed Baby A by twenty minutes or so. We chat, we laugh, we wait. My husband is nearest the door when it begins to open. I perk up because I can see the wheels of a bassinet under the privacy curtain. Baby A must be back, good, they will get to meet him. My husband picks up the baby with an ear to ear smile, so sweetly and begins to show him around. Like a shock straight to my heart I hear him say that it is Baby B and I am instantly bawling, streaming tears down my face, my arms outstretched as far as I can because I can't get up and out of the bed. I blubber, "It's Baby B! Oh my God, I haven't got to meet him yet!!" I am reaching, crying, feeling like I am drowning in a rush of emotions! Please, my dear husband, turn around and give him to me, please! I can not stand this much longer and am about to explode from wanting and needing and loving my baby! A few people see my desperate face and hear my heartfelt pleas and step forward hesitantly to help get Allen's attention. This all takes place in a matter of seconds but to me it was an eternity. He turns full circle and realizes what is going on and hands Baby B to me as quickly as possible. Ah...instant sigh of relief. Sweet, sweet Baby B is in my arms and I am complete. I am still bawling but smiling about it now. I look up at the room full of people and say, "I am sorry, please feel free to step closer, I just hadn't got to meet him yet." They did not know this and I had made a scene. I was allowed. But he was mine to hold, for now. I saw a few tears in other's eyes. We had word that Baby A was doing great and would be back soon. All was well. We made it. Our family of seven.

April 2013 - 6 months old

Baby A:  6 lbs. 13 ozs., born 11:53 AM
Baby B:  6 lbs. 9 ozs., born 12:00 PM

That is nearly 13 1/2 lbs. of baby at 36 1/2 weeks. No wonder I felt so awful. Thank goodness I let them sweep!

* This post is the sequel to 'When Push Comes to Shove'

Nature vs. Nurture

I have heard this comparison for as long as I can remember. It has always made perfect sense to me.  There are naturally occurring parts of our personalities and our physical traits and then there are the things in and about us that change over time due to our all encompassing environment. Not only have I lived through it myself in my own upbringing, but I have it in my mind while I parent my own children. I am a firm believer that all children are born with their very specific personality. It is up to us, as parents, to recognize all the complicated parts of their individual personality. Our job is to nurture them, guide them and help them grow with their personality and be able to function with them during their lives, not to change them.

I grew up with two mothers. In order to keep this less confusing for you while I write, I will call one Mother and one Mom. My Mother gave birth to me and raised me until I was three years old. My Mom married my Father when I was three years old and they had custody of and raised me and my brothers. My Mom had two sons who were older than me. I also have two little brothers from my Mother and Father. Later, my Mom and Father gave me one more little brother. Five brother in all. The six of us all had very distinct and different personalities, most of which have stayed true to present day. Reflecting on our growing up years and raising three children of my own has given me an even deeper respect for my parents. Sometimes it boggles my mind to think of how they did it all. I was very lucky.

I am like my Mother. I physically look like her. I have her legs and feet, her closed mouth smile. I chew like her, laugh like her and move my pursed lips side to side like her while I am thinking hard. I was blessed with her beautiful singing voice and creative and crafty skills. Sometimes, when I talk, I even sound like her, especially if I slip into a little southern drawl. I love being a mother and would do almost anything for my children. My pure, raw thoughts and emotions are very similar to hers. I can not explain this one very well, but knowing her as long as I did and reading some of her letters and journals, I know I am right on. I even remember one time when I was around eighteen years old we decided to arm wrestle. We actually ended it at a deadlock, neither of us could budge the other. Similar strength.

I was not raised by my Mother. When I was three I went to live with my Father and Mom. After this, I saw my Mother during the summer breaks while in school and over a holiday here and there. She lived thirteen hundred miles away and we were still so much alike. Nature.

I am also like my Mom. I am confident and strong, opinionated and thoughtful. I have a very strong pull towards my family and keeping all of us together. I am extremely organized and have a very strong work ethic. I know what I want and I will usually go for it, as long as it is fairly reasonable. I love music, it can move me very deeply. I physically carry myself the same way and we are often complimented on how much we look alike. We have learned to just nod, smile and say "Thank you." When I am in pain, physically, mentally or any other way it comes, you may not even know it unless you ask the right questions. I try not to burden others with my own issues, although, I am learning to try. I absolutely adore being a mother and would do anything for my children.

My Mom did not give birth to me yet our similarities rival those between my Mother and I. I was able to see my Mom nearly everyday and it shows in my everyday life, even now. I am grateful to have had her raise me. I would not be the same person I am now if she had not been my Mom from such a young age. I love my Mother dearly, but I do know there were some weaknesses in her personality that I would have absorbed too deeply into myself. I mean no disrespect to my Mother, please do not misunderstand. All I mean is that if she had raised me we would have been exactly alike. I will not get into all of the details of her life but I can say that she had many very meaningful struggles for so many different reasons throughout her life and my similar personality tendencies would have brought me in the same directions. Being raised by my Mom allowed me to keep some of my Mother's traits while being slightly overpowered by some stronger traits. I am forever grateful. Nurture.

Living through all of this personally has made me a better mother to my own children, in my opinion. I was blessed with two sons who could not be more opposite than the other. I have called them my salt and pepper babies. My oldest has brown hair and eyes and naturally tan skin that he inherited from his father. My eleven year old has red hair and hazel eyes along with my very fair skin and a few freckles. One got my crooked teeth and one got their father's straight teeth. One got my poor vision and the other got 20/20. The personalities they were born with are completely opposite, too. One is athletic, eager to please, sensitive, temperamental, lovingly kind and not afraid of a little hard work. The other is creative and imaginative, very sharing, argumentative, stubborn, walks to his own beat and is a little afraid of hard work. They are both amazing individuals and I am proud to know them. I am lucky to be a part of their lives and guide them every day.

How do I do this? Carefully. The athlete is allowed to be one as long as his grades stay up and the sport remains fun. The imaginative one is encouraged and complimented when he creates something new. The temperamental one is made to take a step back, take a deep breath and think about the current situation. The argumentative one is made to pause, maybe apologize and be a bit more respectful. I am actually encouraging him to try out for the debate team when he gets to a grade level that offers it. There is a time and place for arguing and it is not always a bad thing, it just needs to be channelled in the proper direction. There are so many pieces to each of them. I do not want to stifle or change them. My goal is to teach them to grow with, accept and use the natural talents they were each born with. I have to be extremely patient. I think I am. None of this is something I feel you can be taught. I worry at times that I may be doing some of these things wrong.  I honestly make a lot of this up as I go. I use my instincts, my gut feelings. I have to do things a little bit different for each of them while still trying to remain fair. I can only try to do the best I can and stay true to myself.

Just Ginny

So, my husband giggled at me when he saw which picture I picked to post on my blog. I get it. It is an old picture. Why would I choose such an old picture? Because it is my favorite picture of me ever taken. I was seventeen or eighteen when it was taken back in 1995. This picture represents a time in my life when I had big dreams. I felt unstoppable. I had a clear picture of where I was going and who I was going to be. I had not been sidetracked by life yet. I had not been distracted by responsibility yet. I was ready for almost anything. I am starting to dream again and this picture will stare me in the face and remind me of those forgotten dreams. I like the motivation.

I was going to be a rock star, model, actress, writer, producer, director, starving artist and a waitress in between. I became a mother, wife, Human Resources Administrator, volunteer, karaoke singer and a waitress in between. So close. (smirk)

I am content with where my life has taken me. The last nine years of my life have been truly the best. I have very few regrets. Although, I am ready for some changes. I am ready to exercise a couple long lost, pushed to the side talents.

As far as the picture is concerned, I have changed just a little. I am, obviously, sixteen years older, about fifteen pounds heavier and my hair is quite a bit longer. Not bad after having three beautiful children. Not much to complain about.

Writing this blog is already helping me the way I hoped it would. It gives me a much needed outlet. There is a feeling of pride and accomplishment. I get to share what it is like to be me. To be just Ginny.

I am no writer.

By no means am I a writer. I have many talents and sadly writing has never been one of them. I wish I could write. I have tried and in my mind never succeeded. Nothing worthy of even showing another living soul, in my opinion. I'm full of opinions, ideas, thoughts, secrets even. Never brave enough to just put it out there and let it fly. It has been one of my many Tangerine Dreams, so to speak. By beginning this blog I hope to tap into a little of what I have held back and bottled up. Always too busy with everything and everyone else around me to even bother taking some time for myself and process and feel and wish aloud. Admittedly, worried about what others might think. There are other things besides writing I wish I had the courage to do. Maybe this is my baby step. I have grown so much in the last ten years but I know I can not possibly be done.

This is an opportunity to show my children it's never too late to change, to grow up, to try new things. I am afraid of failing, procrastinating, giving up.

I deserve the time. I have to take some. I hope I do.