Thankful

Thanksgiving. It is my favorite holiday. It encompasses all of my favorite things: cooking, eating, family, gathering, hubby getting the day off to be with us. While I sit here and reflect on 2014 I am near tears. This year was not my favorite. It was one of the worst years of my almost 37 to date. And still...there is more than enough to be truly thankful for.

So what am I thankful for? My family. My kids are healthy and the ones in school are doing well. The flu recently hit our house and it wasn't so bad. Everyone made it through without incident. My kids are well behaved and kind and respectful. My husband is still my best friend. We have been together for over 12 years and I know in my heart that we will grow old together and have a big pile of grandbabies someday. (Hopefully not for a long, long time, though.) He works hard and provides for us which allows me to be a stay at home mom. A fact that I am grateful for every single day. There are not good enough words to thank him for this. It is a blessing to say the least. My Mother-In-Law. She has helped us so much and comes over to give me a break sometimes. That is pretty priceless. My Mom. I won't get into all the reasons here in this post or we would be here all day and I'm sure you all have plenty to do. And my Dad. Not my story to tell but I hope he knows that I think about him everyday and am wishing him the best.

My home. We moved this year and with the help of our amazing realtors we were able to find exactly what our family needed. With the help of our family and friends we were able to move a household of 7 people and 3 pets and I was dreading it. It all worked out.

My friends. I have some of the best friends a woman could ask for. They are so much fun and are wonderful listeners. Calgon take me away! Right, Nikki?

I have a roof over my head and plenty of food to prepare for all my peeps. We don't live extravagantly or anything but we have what we need and that is good. Real good.

I am thankful for Ashlyne's current condition. The cancer that had spread to her spine, lungs and throat are now gone and all that is left is the original tumor in her leg, which her family is hoping to find out asap is operable. (Ewing's Sarcoma)

I am thankful for my blog. I haven't been able to write in a couple of months because life has been so very busy. but I know it is here waiting for me whenever I need it.

I am thankful for my contributors so far to my Food With Love project. The generosity of others allows me to do what I love, which is cooking for others. I don't have the funds to buy groceries for another family on a regular basis so donations are very important to the cause. I have the time to cook and appreciate the help I have received so far. It means the world to me and the family that I cook for.

I am thankful today for a couple local ladies who have decided to feed the homeless kids of Anoka today. A whole Thanksgiving feast. And I love that they are allowing me to cook a few things and bring them by. Women after my own heart. I am really hoping this turns into an annual thing. I think it is a wonderful way to spend Thanksgiving. In my home we celebrate the Saturday before so this is exactly the kind of things I would like to do with my own kids on a day like today.

And there it is. I am looking forward to 2015 very much. I am ready to put 2014 behind me but am thankful for a day like today where I can look back and find the good in the bad. Today is a day of perspective for me. Hope yours is wonderful, too. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

I Will Miss You

As we sat together, just the two of us on a rare and special date, I watched you eat a popsicle, cherishing each and every bite like it was the best thing you had ever tasted; red and blue melted popsicle dripping from your chin. It was all I could do not to cry while sitting and watching you in a little booth at the Dairy Queen. In that moment, it all hit me so hard and I have been meaning to write this for you.

My dearest daughter,

I will miss you. I know that you are not going anywhere, not anytime soon at least, seeing as you are only four years old. But I will miss you just the same. I am blessed to know you and proud to be your mother. Everyday I wonder and hope that I am doing right by you, my only girl in a sea of brothers. I can relate, as I was raised with five brothers of my own. I guess we were destined to be, two peas in a pod. A pod of testosterone that we must wade through together, you and me kid.

Why am I saying that I will miss you? Because I know that our time together gets closer and closer to an end with each passing day. Time is flying by, slipping through my weary fingers like sand. Maybe I squeeze a little to tight sometimes, trying to hold on to as many grains of that sand as I can. Then I remember that I am supposed to let the sand slowly slip away and hope I let it out in all the right places.

I know I loose my temper sometimes. I know I get stressed out and that it is not your fault. You went from being the little baby princess in a house full of big people, the apple of our eyes, the highlight of our days to being the middle child and a big sister to baby twin brothers all in a day. We have our good days and bad and I need you to know how very much I love you. I love you as much now, if not more, than the day you were born; a freezing cold evening on a Blue Moon that I will never forget and cherish forever. You are still my princess. You are still my apple. You still brighten all of my days.

But you are changing, as you should. You are no longer my sweet little baby girl that I wished for for forever. As much as I adore the little girl you are blossoming into, I will miss you and all the little pieces of the past you. I will miss holding your tiny body in my arms and the smell of your freshly washed baby hair. I will miss humming in your ear while I sway you to sleep, rocking side to side, hip to hip. I will miss picking out your clothes and cutting up all of your food. I will miss you running through the sprinkler in the yard in just your undies, without a care or a worry because you don't know yet the kind of world we live in. I will miss the way you eat your favorite foods with gusto, never worrying what others think or that you have food on your chin. I will miss the way you can't tell a knock-knock joke right to save your life. I will miss standing unnoticed outside your bedroom door while you play and make voices for all of your little stuffed animal friends. I will miss the day you stop carrying around your most favorite raggedy stuffed polar bear everywhere we go. I will miss your need for me in all your precious ways.

I will also miss all of the not so fun parts of you, like when you scream at me and slam the doors. I will even miss when you bicker with your brothers and have an accident in your underwear. I will miss the way you tell me you hate the dinner I cooked and that you like the hair on my butt. (She was not talking about my butt ;-) I will miss cleaning up after you when you are puking sick. I will miss telling you "no" all of the time and you making it seem like I ran over your puppy each and every time I utter that tiny word. I will miss being shot with the daggers from your eyes, piercing me through the heart every single time.

I will miss all of these things, both the good and the bad, because it is all part of the journey of being your mom. These are the things that make it real and I am grateful to share them all with you. This journey that I wish would last a little longer than it should. A journey that I try not to take for granted, but know I fail at miserably here and there. I need you to know how very much I love you, forever and always, no matter who you are or who you become.

And I am looking forward to the rest of the journey, the twists, the turns and everything in between. I hope you are, too.

Love,
Mom

Moving to Tears

What I should be doing right now: packing. What I am doing right now: blogging. Why? Because I am on schedule so far and know that the next three weeks are going to be crazy, busy and tiring. Writing calms me, so here I sit. Just for a little while.

We spent the last year and a half preparing our house to go on the market. Silly looking back that we never got to some of those projects sooner so that we could have enjoyed our home in the condition it is now for a little longer. But, isn't that the way it goes? You come in with big plans and grand ideas only to learn a little about your self along the way while life and responsibilities consume you all the while. Yeah, I know we aren't the only ones. We live and we learn.

We learned that we are not fixer-upper kind of people. When we purchased this home, our first, eleven years ago, we were 21 and 24 years old. Feels so long ago and went by in a flash at the same time. We were so young. I remember the excitement and joy and feelings of pride that we were actually homeowners and had something that was ours to call home. Our first real and large purchase together as a couple. I remember getting the keys at closing, after getting hand cramps from the ridiculous number of signatures we had just done, and driving to our new home as quickly as legally possible. We slept on the floor that night, camped out in what became the dining room, happy as clams, just the two of us.

We became a family here. We were able to give my two amazing boys from a previous relationship a normal, stable and loving place to call home. This house is where our real lives began together, the four of us. My husband built deeper relationships with my boys in this house. We got a dog and named her Lucy. (And two cats within the following couple years) The boys were 3 and 4 back then and they have grown so much here; physically, mentally, socially and every other way possible. We have had good times and bad here but no regrets to speak of. I am so attached to this house, as if it too were a part of the family.

I fell in love with my husband, again and again, a hundred times over in this very house. We have laughed together, cried together, had deep and meaningful conversations in almost every room. We have grown together, discovered more and more about each other and made serious life decisions here. He asked me to marry him in this very kitchen. I, obviously, said yes. I planned our wedding here; hand made invitations at the coffee table, filled favor boxes with my boys in the booth, meticulously placed every flower into place with my own two hands and sat at the computer with my soon to be husband for hours burning a large pile of CDs with carefully chosen songs to use as our programs. The limo picked us up in this driveway to begin our honeymoon. So much love has happened here.

I conceived my three younger children in this house. I found out I was pregnant in these bathrooms. I told my husband we were expecting within these walls. I ate so much food and felt the babies kick me a million times while living here. I sat in this living room during the early signs of labor, waiting patiently to go to the hospital, to meet them and bring them here...to bring them home.

We have celebrated countless holidays, birthdays, family gatherings and momentous occasions in this house. I have cooked many many meals and desserts in my kitchen. I could not even begin to estimate the number of people who have been fed here. One of the ways I show love and appreciation is through my cooking and there has been a lot of that. A lot is probably a bit of an understatement.

Music has been made here. Many a local musician and friend has rocked these cellar walls. Life lasting friendships have been formed here, many over music.

There has been a tremendous amount of joy while living here. There has also been a significant amount of heartache. I would not change anything from the past and I am going to be so very sad to leave this home, to let it go. At the same time, there are a couple of things that I hope to leave behind and let go of as we take the next big step of our lives and move on to our next home. The next home that we plan to stay in forever. The next home that, many years from now, our grandkids will come to visit.

It is going to be different in so many ways. It is bigger and better for us as a family and knowing how much we need it makes the letting go a little easier. I know that I am going to cry when we leave our current house in just over two weeks (in fact, I already did a little crying just writing these words). I will probably cry the night before we move while we are camping out on the floor one last time, this time with the teens, so we can all say goodbye to the unique little blue house that has been a part of our lives for so very long and served us so well. I also know that I am going to cry when we walk into our new home. The home that we have worked so hard to get to. The home we wished so hard that we could give to our children. The home that is going to change our lives for the better in so many ways, but we will get into all of that another day. It will be different and the same.

We are the same. We will continue to grow as a couple, as people and as a family. We will continue to love, laugh and cry. I will continue to feed the masses. We will continue on with our lives from a couple miles away. I am looking forward to this new chapter and adventure of our lives. I am going to try to keep my chin up as I go pack up and begin to let go of this place I call home. First, I will go stuff my pockets full of Kleenex.

2014: A Love/Hate Relationship

If it wasn't for a couple of pretty great things happening in the last couple of weeks, I would have told 2014 to stick it where the sun don't shine, take a flying leap off of an extremely tall bridge and pound a significant amount of sand. Pardon my rant and forgive me if I am vague in my explanations of just how poorly 2014 has treated me so far. Just because I am a blogger and, therefore, share a little too much information at times...doesn't mean I always get to tell you all everything. I wish I could, for me...not you (smirk). I enjoy blogging and writing in general even more so. It feels good to get things out and refresh my brain every once in a while. But, some things I have to keep close, private and sacred. Not just for myself but for those who I care for deeply and would hate to disrespect in any way, shape or form.  So, there it is.

Anyway, I haven't really had a chance to blog this year. As some of you know, I was taking online college courses that started in early January and as much as I was enjoying them, they pretty much consumed all of my spare time, which was a pretty pitiful amount to begin with. All was going perfectly and I was acing both of my classes up until mid April. I hate to say this, but after a couple of things happened that were/are pretty devastating to me...I ended up with a D and an Incomplete. Sigh. I have taken this all pretty well. I feel badly about the way my classes turned out but at the same time I know that life happens and I tried my best. Like my mom says to me sometimes, "Life just gets all lifey on us." It did. It really, really did.

So, one of the bad things that happened is behind me now, over and done with, thank goodness. The other thing...well, it kind of feels like it is looming over me, hovering like a black cloud ready to release it's worst at any moment. Fortunately, with the support of my closest family and friends, I can hopefully make it out all in one piece mentally and emotionally. Time will tell.

On top of school and everything else that a mother of five must deal with, we have spent the last year or so getting our house ready to sell. No easy task with all the kiddos and three pets. But...we did it! (With a lot of help from our friends ;-) We listed our house and sold it in five days on the market. I believe I only had to get everyone out of the house for eight showings. I was dreading that part the most. Seriously, keeping the house as clean as possible and dragging everyone out for who knows how long, sometimes alone if it was during a work day for my hubby. Not to mention having strangers in my home. I had some serious anxiety over this and cried myself to sleep a couple of times during the months leading up to listing. I am so private and protective of my family and our personal space. It was hard to do but I knew deep down that we had to do it if we were ever going to get out of our too tiny house and give the kids more space. We were able to get it all done. Whew!

I guess it is not 100% for sure yet, we still have to get through the appraisal of our current home next week and then have closing day go off without a hitch in June, but these are all normal parts of the process that usually go pretty well. My husband and I also went house shopping on Sunday, found the perfect house, made an offer that was accepted and have that home inspection scheduled for Friday. Fingers crossed all of this just keeps going well and falling into place. I would love the good news to just keep coming in for a while. Really. (But I am soooo excited! The kids are all getting excited! Our new house is going to be so wonderful. And my dog is going to be so happy! I will get into all of that in a later post, though. Hee hee.)

Completely unrelated, since it has been so very long since I blogged, let's play catch up. I did audition for Rent at the local theatre. I did not make it into the show and that is totally OK. I gave it a shot and can cross that one right off of my list. I am looking forward to seeing it this summer, too.

After doing poorly in school, I have not decided if I am going to continue that particular journey or not yet. I enjoyed the classes, the learning and the daily general use of my super smart brain for something other than being a mom. Some of you may understand this...some of you won't. That's OK. It did take a lot of time away from the children and keeping up with the house and I have not decided how I feel about this yet. I am glad I enrolled in January and gave it a shot...I just don't know if it is exactly what I was looking for. I know that I am looking for something but I truly can't pinpoint it yet. Since the twins were born my life has changed so much and I am still trying to find...me? If that makes any sense.

I have not accomplished the perfect body. Ha! And I am so very OK with this. It would be nice and all, but I am so content in my own skin. My husband adores me, and I him. My kids love me, regardless. I am 36 years old and not afraid to say it, ever. I own it. Every gray hair, every new wrinkle. It is me, it is who I am and I have lived and earned every single year under my belt.

I am still trying to decide a second song to play and use in my DVD audition submission to The Voice. There is no specific date to send them in by, as they accept them all year long. Right now I have Dreams by Fleetwood Mac ready but I need to have two songs. I am not going to rush it and it is super far fetched anyway. Purely for fun to keep the tangerine dream alive. Although, I have been considering trying to find or start a band again. I have a couple of life hurdles to get through before I give it a go. Part of my problem with 2014 is that I took on way too much and couldn't keep up. I need to try not to do that anymore.

I think that was everything that ya'll may have been wondering. Now, we are all caught up. Hopefully life will calm down soon and the good things will keep coming. I miss having the time to write and when life does allow me to, that will be my first "me time" priority. Writing, creating, making and doing. That would be my personal happy place.

Laughter & Tears

I'm going to give you a little of both. A typical day in my world contains the two. I'm not just talking about myself. There are, of course, the kiddos. Teenie weenie emotional roller coasters, in constant motion, keeping me on my toes. Going out on errands can be a trip, pun intended. When I have to take some or all of them out...I have to have a plan...and a s#!t load of patience.

The Plan: 

It takes me about an hour to get everyone ready to go somewhere. Therefore, whatever I am going to go and do had better be worth it. I have to really need something, want something, have to get out of the house, have specific people I want to see or whatever my reason may be. It is probably not going to be "just because." Not until the twins are a little older, at least.

Before I can go anywhere, I have to pack the diaper bag: diapers, wipes, pull ups, changes of clothes (at least one for each baby, depending on how long we will be out and maybe one for DJ too), bottles, formula, baby snacks, DJ's snack, a couple toys, blankets (depending on the season and weather), sippy cup, possibly child sized cutlery, Desitin, wallet, phone, sunglasses, keys, sometimes coupons/vouchers...and always Neno Bear (DJ's woobie). In the winter time...let's not forget hats, mittens, boots, jackets and snow pants for all!

Then I make sure all three little ones have clean butts and clean clothes on. I check on the dog and turn off all the lights. I may have to cover the giant stroller and bungee it on to the back of my Yukon. I bring the diaper bag and anything else we are taking along and load it into the truck. If I am home alone with the three little kids I corral one baby in the living room, bouncy chair, swing or somewhere else safe and carry the other baby to the car and then run back into the house as quickly as possible to grab the second baby and DJ. If my husband and/or my two teenagers are coming with, the getting into the car logistics are a little easier, but really it is just more people and more stuff. Away we go.

I also make sure to get as much into a trip as I can. The less total trips out of the house, the easier it is on me. A perfect example was three months ago. The babies were due for their six month check ups. I decided to make all of our family appointments for one day. Some might think this is crazy, but in my opinion it was so much better. We started out the day with five dentist appointments at eight o'clock in the morning. I had my husband go first so he could get to work as soon as possible...again, crazy, but the hard truth is we are a family of seven on one income. Daddy's gotta work. After the dentist, around ten o'clock, we went over to the pediatricians where the babies had well baby checks and my two older boys each had an appointment for something specific to each of them. We went out for lunch together after those appointments and then we had a little bit of time to kill so we ran into Walmart and the grocery store for a few things we needed. After all of that we went to the eye doctor where me and the two older boys had appointments at around three thirty or so. I believe we left there at five-ish. It ended up being a long day but I found it easier than doing it all in three or four different days. I have also been blessed with pretty well behaved children. Thank goodness. Pretty sure I ordered pizza that night, though. Who wants to cook after all that noise?

The Patience:

These pictures are from the babies nine month check ups, but it gives you a glimpse into what it can be like...

I gave up trying to get them to not tear up the paper roll within a few seconds. Ah well. As long as I kept them from rolling off the doctor's table, I was good. They can only wait patiently for so long. And most of you have been in a doctor's office...you can't see in these pictures, but my other three children are in the room, too. Think about it.

The Laughter:

I found a perfect example of the ridiculousness that can ensue while bringing multiple children out and into the world to go somewhere. This image is from www.ninjamomblog.com. I recently found her blog and I think she is great.

Image from: http://www.ninjamomblog.com/p/other-writing-and-pr-info.html#.UfLtCI1r2a9

Too true! I can't even begin to tell you. I laughed so hard when I saw this the first time. Thank you, NinjaMom!

I have also come up with a new way to decide who gets my grocery shopping business, if I have to bring all three little kids with me, now that the babies grew out of their car seats with carrying handles. I go to my favorite grocery store first, Cub Foods, and drive around their parking lot, checking in all the cart corrals until I find one of those shopping carts with the kid car on the front. Those carts have TWO baby seats with buckles in addition to the fun car. If they do not have one of those kinds of carts on the lot, I leave and drive to the next grocery store and drive around their lot. This is the only way to ensure maximum success and safety getting them all from my car and into the store. It hasn't happened yet, but if neither store had a cart like that available, I would either call it quits and go home, or if I really needed to, I could drive to yet another grocery store.

The Tears:

This is where it gets a little heavy. I am adding a link to a video I saw last night that someone had shared on Facebook. I sat in silence, with my headphones on, and watched it while tears trickled down my cheeks. I almost turned it off when I realized exactly where it was going but I decided to force myself to sit through it anyway. It is fake. It is portrayed by actors. It is not dramatized. In real life it happens too often and sometimes it is good to have a reminder. Watch at your own risk.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/19/kids-left-in-cars-psa_n_3623597.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009

Some days can be hard or stressful. There have been times when I am driving home from somewhere and think to myself. "Oh crap, we are out of milk." or that I really wished I had something or another. But if I am not willing to take every single child out of the car and in with me to a store or anywhere else, I am NOT going to go! Absolutely nothing in the whole wide world is worth the risk of leaving a child in a car. I don't care about the weather or the location or the circumstances. It can be such a pain in the ass to haul them all around but I just have to deal with that. I will never do it. And I probably won't ever watch this video again. My heart can't handle it.

The End:

Parenting is joy and sacrifice. Pleasure and pain. I take one day a step at a time. It's the best I can do.

Yesterday...

...kicked my arse. All I wanted to do was write. My goal for the day was to keep the kids happy, get a few chores done around the house so I didn't feel like a lazy bump for not accomplishing my household duties while I typed nonsense into the laptop, and then spend a relaxing evening in the living room with a big happy family while I did what I was so looking forward to doing. This is not how my day unfolded. By the end of the day I was laying on the couch, feeling nauseous and mentally exhausted, crabby as all get out and being weighed down into the cushions by a general feeling of malaise. I had been beat down.

By what? Nothing in particular; no specific pinpointable thing. It was just a day. I'm sure you can relate. The children were cranky and restless. Most likely feeling cooped up from all the rain and severe weather we have had over the last few days. The older children were nit picking and bickering off and on throughout the afternoon. My referee skills constantly at the ready. My house felt as though it was swallowing me alive. Some days the laundry and dishes and pet hair and everything else feels as though it is closing in all around me, similar to the scene in Star Wars where they are all trapped in the disgusting trash compactor room. Blah!

I tried getting the five kids out of the house to see if this helped their moods. It helped briefly. We took a very long walk through the neighborhoods of our town. I even stopped at the local CVS to pick up treats for us to eat and drink while we walked. It felt all-for-not, in the end. Ah well.

I did some dishes and then, with seven people in the house, the pile just magically reappeared, as usual. I washed and folded laundry for the better part of the day. By the time early evening rolled around and I was feeling beaten down, I had to give up. One load still in the washer and one in the dryer, a giant folded mountain covering the entire dining room table; it would just have to wait. 

Cooking dinner? Forget it. I fed the little ones something easy and the rest had to fend for themselves. Mini pizzas, Ramen noodles, leftover tacos, salads, sandwiches, a bowl of cereal; I didn't care and was in no mood. I ate a bowl of cereal around ten at night even though I wasn't feeling hungry.

My vacuum decided to die. Well, not really die, but needs some maintenance. I guess I need to take it apart, clean the roller, wash the filter, let them dry out and so on. Good grief. It's on the to do list. Maybe tonight even though I don't feel up to it yet. My poor babies are crawling all over now and I'm feeling kinda bad about that. This sucks...or not...get it? Sorry. Lame joke.

I had my oldest son help me put the air conditioners in the kids bedroom windows yesterday, finally. You know, it had only gotten to 84 degrees in their rooms the last few nights. When my daughter woke up immediately asking for a glass of water, I was feeling like a pretty bad mother at that point. But, all is better temperature wise today.

By 6:45 PM I had had enough for one day. I was on edge. I was starting to get very short with everyone. I felt like my face had gone into droopy walking zombie mode. This couldn't have been helping anyone around me. I tapped out, so to speak. All three little ones were put to bed a little earlier than usual. I felt a bit bad about doing this, but I have learned from experience (and some videos they make you watch in the hospital before you can take your baby home) that sometimes it is better to lay them down and walk away before you can do something stupid or potentially harmful. Not that I would ever get to the point of shaking a baby. I am very aware of my actions. But, it is still no good for them if I am in a bad mental place. They all fell asleep shortly after and were "happier". At that point, I laid on the couch, in and out of restless sleep and tossing, while the two big kids took turns playing Skyrim. After a while, I had had enough of that too and had them put in a movie.

To make a long story no shorter, yesterday sucked. I don't want to be a complainer, just venting, I suppose. If you would like me to shut the hell up, just close this tab on your computer screen. No offense will be taken. Today I woke up in a slightly better mood. Feeling a little less ill, anyway. I finished the dishes and the laundry. I baked banana chocolate chip bread for a family potluck we are going to this evening. I am writing, although not one of the many other "fun" topics I really wanted to write about because I am in no frame of mind for my words to come out right. I took a shower, which was probably the highlight of my weekend, so far. "It is what it is." I hate this saying but feel it is truthful at the moment.

Another mom I know said to me a while back, after having a rough day or two with her own children, that she felt bad about feeling so overwhelmed and had thought to herself that "Ginny can do this, no problem, and she has five kids. She is a super mom. I only have two kids and am struggling." I had to take a moment and set her straight. Although I was flattered and admittedly I can put on a good show of having all my shit together but, I have just as many bad days as the rest of the moms out there. I hide in my room and cry alone. I yell at my kids when I maybe shouldn't. I give them junk food for dinner when I have no will or energy to do anything more. I skip going places we were supposed to go because it is just too much work physically and mentally sometimes. I say to myself, in my head, "I'm gonna jump!" I am not a "Super Mom". I never said I was. I do try to be. I give it my best shot within my measly human means, almost every day. I "aspire" to be one someday. But, other days...other days I throw in the towel. I conceded to their madness. I beat myself up on the inside. I am human.

And that is all it is. Yesterday. It is gone, it is over, it is not coming back. That is the beautiful thing about yesterdays. They go away. Today I try harder. Then, I cross my fingers and tell myself, "Tomorrow will be better."

Spontaneous Outing

I knew we needed to get out of the house today. I could feel it creeping through my body. Not only do we have an out of town house guest that wants to go out into the world and see new things, we're raising five kids in a small house and we need to get them out. It was a long winter and I was hibernating for most of it. I've got ants in my pants and an awesome new stroller. I spent the better part of this morning online researching free or inexpensive activities to do in the Twin Cities with children. Today we ventured out for a stroll around the Sculpture Gardens at the Walker Art Center. http://www.walkerart.org/garden/ I told the kids to get ready and grab a hoodie because we were going to be outside, but I did not tell them where we were going. The anticipation was hilarious and they all tried to guess all the way there.

DA planks

DJ running

No trip would be complete without the token Cherry on the Spoon picture

DA is cool

It felt good. DJ had never been there before and she thought it was very fun. I think it made an impression and I will definitely be taking her back. I read today that the Walker Art Center offers free gallery admission every first Saturday of the month and also on Thursday nights from 5 to 9 PM. http://www.walkerart.org/free-first-saturdays We will be making use of this deal, for sure. My little sister from Louisiana enjoyed it, too. She piped up and said so and thanked me on the ride home. Big smiles all around. My heart is full. A great day to top off my good morning.

The Sweetest Thing

In life? Seeing your child smile out of pure joy. It could be the first smile from your tiny baby, bundled up in your arms and they're just beginning to realize that you are the nice mommy person that is always there to make everything all better. It could be the drippy drooling chocolate covered smile with wide surprised eyes when you give your toddler their first snack size Snickers bar and they suddenly know what they have missing for all of these years. There is always the first day of school, standing at the bus stop with ants in their pants grin, random teeth missing and stretched from ear to ear. So proud, so excited, feeling so big. Even the smile they try to hide but can't. Perhaps they just got home from hanging out with their favorite girl; cheeks flushed, twinkle in their eyes, lips twitching but taught, trying to conceal the surge of happiness coursing through their veins. Maybe he kissed her. Good for him. For me, this weekend, it was watching my son run around playing games with his friends and cousins, on a complete sugar high, chilled to the bone without a care. DA turned thirteen and his carnival themed birthday party was a success. His smiles were huge.

Luckily, it had stopped raining right before the party started. It was still quite chilly outside but all went well.  There was plenty of fun food. I always make too much. I am always worried that there won't be enough; I was sending bags of popcorn and mini donuts home with anyone who would accept them. I love to cook and bake. It is fun for me and it is also a way that I show my love. It was a lot of work but DA was more than worth all the time it took to prepare for this party. We do not always do a big party for the kids' birthdays. Some years it is a quiet dinner of their choice at home or a restaurant, sometimes we have family over for cake and ice cream. But, how many times in life do you officially become a teenager? We like to make that fun.

For both of my older children's thirteenth birthdays, my Ex and I have come together and thrown two great parties and included both sides of our families and friends. We do not always see eye to eye on things, but we make sure to keep our differences away from the boys. When our oldest, R, turned thirteen we gave him a baseball themed party out at the baseball field. We grilled out burgers and hot dogs, ate popcorn and a ridiculous number of cupcakes. We had two fields going and it was a whole lot of fun. These two parties made me feel very proud of both myself and their father. I can not even begin to express how important it is for the boys to see us working together from time to time. Just because we are no longer together does not mean that the boys should suffer some life experiences they could have. We do our best and so far I feel we have done so quite successfully.

Sugar and fat! That is a carnival. We all ate ourselves silly...or sillier. I had forgotten how truly delicious a caramel apple was. http://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/carnival-caramel-apples What a fun and nostalgic treat. Sticky fingers, sticky face; it was like being a little kid again. Candied Apples are a crowd pleaser, too. I found a fairly simple recipe but they took much longer to make than the recipe said. Maybe it was because it was my first time. It seemed like the cinnamon imperials took a very long time to melt. Other than that, very easy to make and very hard to eat, which is probably a good thing or we would eat them all the time. http://candy.about.com/od/fruitcandy/r/candy_apple.htm

Caramel & Candied Apples

I also found a recipe for baked mini donuts and they were a hit. http://hungrycouplenyc.blogspot.com/2013/01/baked-cinnamon-sugar-mini-doughnuts.html
The only thing that I did differently was to omit the two tablespoons of butter for dunking at the end. The recipe said to allow the donuts to cool for five minutes and then to dunk them in butter followed by the cinnamon and sugar mixture. I knew that if I did not let them cool, that the moisture from the heat would allow the cinnamon and sugar to stick anyway. It worked and they were delicious. I didn't waste my money and purchase the mini donut pans I had been considering, $10 each on Amazon.com for a pan that makes twelve at a time. I already had two mini muffin pans at home and those worked out just fine; more donut hole style. I accomplished twenty five dozen.

25 Dozen Baked Mini Donuts

My husband and I decided not to buy microwave popcorn ever again at Christmas time last year. We had bought a jug of kernels from Costco for approximately $12 and made homemade caramel corn and popcorn balls as gifts last season. It was so easy and much tastier than microwavable. We still had the same giant jug of kernels so I used it and made home popped salted popcorn and homemade caramel corn for the party. http://allrecipes.com/recipe/classic-caramel-corn/ I like to add dry roasted peanuts to our caramel corn. Then it reminds me of Crunch N' Munch. Yummy!

Popcorn Treats

I rented a cotton candy machine for the first time ever. It was quite a bit bigger than I expected and I had NO idea what I was doing or how to assemble it and start it up. Thank goodness for YouTube; my sons' father was able to look up a quick video and Voila, cotton candy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8RNDjBLvz3Q Cotton Candy is a child magnet, by the way. If you are ever looking to attract a pile of children, fire up the ol' cotton candy machine. Works like a charm.

I can figure this out...I hope!

All this along with corn dogs, giant pretzels and a crock pot of melted Velveeta, grilled corn on the cob and tons of fun flavored soda pop and bottled water to wash it all down. A fun menu for a kid friendly party. Sugar and fat, sugar and fat!

The Spread

Games, games and more games. The chilly weather didn't keep the kids from having a good time. Tug-O-War was a hoot to watch and the little ones loved the fishing game in particular. Lower an ice cream bucket tied to a fishing pole over the deck rail and repeatedly get cute little cheap plastic toys. Who knew? The face painter did a fantastic job, too. She was so sweet and dedicated to come and sit in the back yard, freezing her tushy off just to make my little guests happy. My daughter was set on getting a spider for days, and she did, right away. Cute! If you're ever in need of a face painter and/or crazy hair maker, please give Kristen's Kolorific Kids a try. She is great at what she does, the kids loved her. https://www.facebook.com/pages/Kristens-Kolorific-Kids-Face-Painting-Hair-Decorating/184479874921878

Jamison the Juggler! What a great show. I lucked out when I happened to meet him last December. He won a talent show that my husband and I attended in Minneapolis and I knew he would be perfect for my son's party. Jamison actually travels all over the United States performing in Renaissance Festivals and such. He was so funny and entertaining. I am pretty sure he was my son's favorite part of his birthday party. DA could not stop smiling during the show; even the adults were laughing out loud. Magical!

And lets not forget those precious moments in life where you get to harmlessly embarrass your child, all in good fun. You may have noticed in some of the previous photos that I was dressed like a clown. I did not tell my son I was going to do that. I know that he likes clowns but hates all of the creepy make-up that they wear. I also know that DA and I are kindred spirits when it comes to silliness and our sense of humour. This was a good kind of embarrassment. We were surrounded by our family and closest friends, no harm done. I know where the lines are, for example, at his recent cast and crew party after the play he was in, Gulliver's Travels, wrapped up they had karaoke available. I asked DA if he would be embarrassed if I sang a song and he said yes he would. I respect that. He was at school with some friends and more acquaintances. I did not want to embarrass him in that way. But sometimes, a fun opportunity presents itself and you, as a parent, have to snatch it up. It is our right. Be silly and have fun. Show them that side of you whenever you get the chance.

Mission accomplished. I have almost ten years until my next child turns thirteen. I am such a dork; I already have ideas rolling around in my brain. I will keep them to myself for the time being. She will change a lot between now and then and I want her party to be completely "her." Just like this one was "DA." I love my kids so damn much!

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Big Daddy...Tribute

In preparation for the one year anniversary of my blog coming up, I went back and perused my previous posts. In doing so, I have come across a situation I would like to remedy. My blog is (mostly) about me and my journey as a mother and the other many hats I may wear at times. It is also about why I am the way that I am; where I have come from and where I wish I could be. This is exactly what I wanted the blog to be about but there is one very important person from my life that has not been represented because he is not a mother. So, Daddy, this one's for you.

When you are a little girl, your father is one of the biggest pieces of your world. He is magical and awesome. He is the smartest person you know. When you are with him you feel safe and protected, loved and adored. The hugs he gives are unmatched by anyone else. No one can mess with you as long as you have your Daddy; he can make all of your pains go away with just one kiss. He is your first true love and you will spend the rest of your life comparing the men you meet to him. Those can be some pretty big shoes to fill.

Unconditional love. This my father has taught me. As a parent, this is an important quality. When I was a teenager I began to withdraw a bit from my father. I know this is pretty typical teenage girl stuff and I can't tell you when exactly this began to happen. We both made some mistakes with each other but there was never ever a doubt in my mind that he loved me anyway, and I him. At that age there is usually going to be a butting of heads, I know. The reasons are unimportant. The important part was the unconditional love that we have for each other and being able to meet again on the other side. He was there for me.

A true believer. My biggest fan. My father is a very talented guitar player. His passion for music and his abilities were, thankfully, passed on to my brothers and myself. He supported me in my efforts with music. He gave me my first (and second and third) guitar, drove me to lessons, came to every concert and show. He had part of our garage converted into a music room for us and equipped it with all we could need. I was the first girl in my high school to be in her own rock band and this could not have been possible without him. He was there for us every step of the way. He even went out and helped us get t-shirts made up. He was a cool Dad to have.

Daddy

My Dad is a trooper. He would do anything for me. I remember a time when I was in high school that he did me a favor I will never forget. It was shortly after he and my Mom had separated. I wanted my hair dyed and figured I would have to wait until I could get over to Mom's apartment. He offered to dye it for me. Now, I have a ton of hair and it can be quite a task, but he was totally willing. The best part about this story is that my Dad is not a small man and the gloves that come with the hair dye are definitely not made for hands like his. The gloves did not take their time to rip open but he just kept on going. My hair turned out beautiful and his poor hands were stained for a while. What a great Dad to do that for his only daughter. Another moment that I will never forget is from him at my wedding. He walked me down the isle, precious, and later played the guitar until his fingers bled. True devotion.

Devotion in Action

What is in a name? In my opinion, honor. All five of my children have a family name as one of their names, first or middle, and then their other name is one I just liked and found unique. One of my new twin babies received the middle name, James, in honor of my father. My father does not actually use this name for reasons which are his own and not my story to tell. I will say that his reasons are valid and I respect them. I asked his permission to use this name and am very glad he allowed me to. Now I have "E" James, and here is why...

My father is a good man. He is a wonderful father and has twelve, almost thirteen, adoring grandchildren. One of my brothers was named after my father, David. My brother passed this name onto his first born son as his middle name. So, in actuality, passing on "James" may not have been entirely necessary but it was still very important to me. Growing up I always felt like this name was almost a taboo. I feel my father deserves better than that. These grandchildren are part of his legacy and the future of this family. The future is ours to mold and I thought it time to turn this name into a positive. My son E will wear it with pride, as was the way I gave it to him.

My father is a big part of who I am even though he is not a "mother". He is one of the many influences I have had in my life. Without our relationship, I would not have turned out the same, and I kinda like how I turned out so far. Ha! We have had our ups and our downs but in the end I would not change a thing. These are all pieces of the puzzle that is me. I will parent my children using our past and our present as examples. I hope to offer my children the same level of devotion and unconditional love that my father bestowed upon me. I hope to support them through all of their endeavors and remain their biggest fan. Thanks for being there for me always, Daddy. I love you always and forever.

Game on!

If you have children and you do not have a family game night on a regular basis, I highly recommend it. My husband and I started this a few years ago with our family and it has been a huge success. Game Night is a great way to bond, stay involved and just have some silly time with the kids. Let down your hair and show them that not every night is about chores and homework and being to bed on time. That little something to look forward to together. The plan was so simple. My boys go to their father's house for visitation every other weekend so we decided to play our games every other Friday night when we have them. First, we have a sit-down-at-the-table dinner together and then we rotate who's turn it is to pick which game we enjoy for the evening. There are four of us so that means we each get to choose what we are going to play about every eight weeks. On every tenth game night we go out and purchase a new game for our collection, which adds up to around two games a year. That Game Night does not count as any one's turn since we play the new game instead. Next Friday night will be our seventieth Game Night! In the summer time we do not get to play every other week because the schedule gets very busy. There are lots of baseball games and practices, extra visitations with the boys' father, at least one week of summer camp at F.P.Y.C. and sleepovers dispersed here and there. We have to be a bit more flexible in the summers.

The games we play are mostly board games. We try to keep the video games to a minimum, maybe for special occasions. Any game goes. I can think of only one time we had to say no to a game choice. It was when I was about eight months pregnant with our daughter and my eleven year son old came out holding Twister in his hands. I'm sure you can understand why we had to veto that choice. No hard feelings.

This Christmas we made sure to get a few toddler friendly games back into the house. Our daughter actually turned two today and we are going to start adding her into the family fun whenever possible. I think the best way to do it will be to play a small game with her right after dinner and then when she goes off to bed we can move on to the big kid game for the evening. I can't wait to get her involved in all the fun.

Usually it is just our family playing but we do have guests join us every once in a while. I feel it is important to keep the Fridays mostly just us so that there are no distractions keeping our focus from the children, seeing as this was the whole point to begin with. It is nice to be able to share our experience with others though. For example, we had not been able to hang out with some very good friends of our in quite a while. We had been saving a couple bottles of Saki we had received as a gift years ago and specifically wanted to share them with these particular friends. We were able to make a night of it. I made homemade stir fry and they brought over some sushi. The kids were able to try new things and we were allowed to catch up with our friends. It was a great time for everyone. I was very impressed to see my boys actually try the sushi. So cool.

I love building these memories together. I don't want to take these nights we share for granted. As the kids grow up and become busy with their own activities and friends, we may have to make some changes. I know this already and am giving myself ample time to mentally prepare. I will keep the tradition going for our family as long as possible. It has been so great for us. I am hoping to still be having a form of Game Night even after the kids move out, move on and begin their own families. I am sure it will not be every other week but still something we can do whenever we can. Who knows, maybe my children will have enjoyed it enough to incorporate it into their own households many years from now. That would fell pretty good. That would make me very happy.

Another Hurricane Christmas

You know it is coming. You have time to prepare. Still the torrent of wrapping paper, clouds of powdered sugar and cinnamon and endless swarms of e-mails, cards, texts and visits just sneek up behind you. And I am beat. Worth all of the trouble? Yes. Would I do it all again? Absolutely. Am I tired? Um, yeah.

Christmas in my world can get sort of complicated. Between me and my husband, we have four pairs of parents that we need to coordinate with during the holidays. Four of my five brothers and I also squeeze in a Christmas cookie baking day with our children, ten little cousins in all. We did this on the 11th of December. One of my brothers lives in Japan and therefore can't make it to all of these events. In the midst of all this holiday madness, I somehow found time to make homemade cards, bake cookies for charity, begin coaching my sons' Destination Imagination team at school, look for my beautiful six year old cat who went missing when a window blew open while we were not home, take on new projects at work, go out a couple of times with some girlfriends and try to keep up with my daily life. No wonder I worry that I'm developing a case of shingles. Ha!

 This season we went to my father's house first, on the 19th of December. There we enjoyed a delicious Cuban food dinner with three of my brothers and their families along with a couple of my father's wife's children and their families too. Christmas Eve was spent at my husband's mother's house. We celebrated with her, her husband and my husband's Great Aunt from his father's side of the family...a long story for another time. We were treated to an amazing prime rib dinner and our three children began the whirlwind of presents that come their way each year. The presents part can be tricky, too. Teaching the children to be grateful and not greedy. Polite and respectful. To not be expecting anything and be pleasantly surprised when there is something. When it just keeps coming from so many directions year after year after year, it can be quite a task. I feel like I am doing a good job keeping things in perspective for them. There is always going to be a little self-doubt though, I think. Time will tell.

One condition of spending Christmas Eve away from my own home is that I want to be home with my children by no later than 7:00 P.M. Over the years I have met some resistance from family members but I have tried to stay strong and stand my ground. I am in no way trying to be rude or disrespectful. I can not control how I am interpreted. As a mother, a lover of tradition and a wife, it is important to me to have the wind down time with my children and husband. We do the whole thing: cookies and milk set out for Santa right next to a carrot for the reindeer, read The Night Before Christmas together cuddled up on the couch, look out the window to see if Santa is up in the sky yet, perhaps with a little red light that may be Rudolph's nose. It is precious time. It can not be replaced or redone. I will not compromise much. It is our turn, my husband and I, to build these memories and traditions with our children. Our parents were allowed to do so when we were little and now it is our time.

And that is exactly what we did. It was adorable. We will never forget it.

Christmas morning started out quite early. My eleven year old actually set his alarm for 5:30 A.M. and my thirteen year old didn't stop him. They share a room, you see. We do have a rule that they can't come downstairs before 6:00 A.M. and that is what time I heard the boys come thundering down. I, of course, knew they had huge stockings to keep them busy, so I let myself sleep one more hour. Then, I gently nudged my hubby to let him know we had to get out of bed so we could wake up the two year old together. She woke up very happy. One pot of coffee later, we were done opening our presents and sat around and played. I made french toast and scrambled eggs. This leads us up to the hardest part of my Christmas schedule. The custody kind. My two boys always have the switch between their father and I at 11:00 A.M. on Christmas morning. We alternate every other year who gets the Eve and who gets the Day. Just one of those many things that happen as a result of a relationship gone south and children are involved. One of the forever consequences.

Once the boys left, the three of us had to get ready to go. Our first stop of the day being just over a half hour away to visit my husband's father and his long time girlfriend. The ride there did not go so well since our two year old had a bout of car sickness and made a little bit of a mess. It was sad to see but we eventually made it and were able to do a load of laundry, including the car seat cover and straps. A couple hours later, with bellies full of warm chili and homemade bread, we were off to the next stop. Another half hour drive brought us to my Mom's doorstep where she and her partner were hosting an Italian feast.  My brothers and their families were there too. Very busy home and really delicious food. It was a good day but by 6:30 P.M. our daughter had had quite enough stimulation for one day and needed to get home. So that is where we took her, straight home. Straight to bed.

Whew! A movie on the couch snuggling with my Love and we called it a night. Wake up bright and early the next day and head off to work for my average Monday. The hurricane has passed...for now.

Say you're sorry.

We tell this to our children all the time. In those exact words? Maybe when they are little. As they get older we get more creative and maybe slip into a bit of a lecture. But let's face it, when they get older and you have to say again the thing you have been saying, nearly daily, all this time, you need to get a little more specific. Why should they say they are sorry? Interesting question, thanks for asking. Maybe they smacked Mommy on the back with their hand during a terrible two tantrum, maybe they knocked the side mirror off the passenger side of your car while dragging the garbage can down the driveway or maybe they just forgot to call you after school to tell you they were home safe and you don't have to keep glancing up at the clock on the wall at work and have the most awful scenarios running through your brain at a mile a minute while trying to keep your cool and stay focused on work. The reason is not as important as you may think. The lesson they learn from admitting a mistake and dealing with it timely and appropriately is the key. The best way to show them is, of course, by example. Tell your kids you are sorry. It might not be easy but it is oh so important. I didn't realize this until a few years ago and I felt much better when I did. It is not their fault if I had a rough day at work, came home all wound up and raised my voice at them over some stupid little thing. I apologized. It is not their fault that I bought a second puppy and two years later conceded that it was a poor decision for our family and had to give him up. I apologized. How specific are the apologies? That depends on the situation. You must be honest, or at least as honest as their age deems appropriate. "I am sorry I yelled at you. I had a really bad day at work. I am feeling upset about it but I am not angry with you. I love you very much and I will try not to do that again." "I am sorry we had to give away our dog. The life he had with us was unfair and he deserves a better home. I love him very much too and that is why I have to make this hard decision. Grown ups make mistakes too. This is a hard lesson for all of us and when you are older and consider getting your own pet, hopefully you will remember my mistake and how we all feel. Pets are a big responsibility and you need to be as sure as possible when you commit to them."

I hate to be wrong. I really do. If I expect my kids to apologize, I need to respect them enough to do the same.