Nineteen years ago I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I had just turned twenty years old one month prior and was somehow ready and up for the task of this whole crazy trip called parenting. I had no idea at the time that I would someday have five beautiful children. That I would love being a mother with every fiber of my being. Or the amount of true joy and sometimes sadness I would feel and carry with me every single day moving forward for...well, I am just assuming here...the rest of my life! Today I am here to share a silly moment that marks the end of an era for me. Maybe you can relate.
Today I have officially packed up all of the Little People Fisher Price toys that I have been collecting for and playing with my children since my precious first baby boy was growing inside of me all those years ago. They have served us well. I knew when I bought that first set back in 1998 that these were going to be keepers. If I bought this whole collection today I would probably spend around $500. I remember growing up with the same brand of toys with my brothers when I was a child. In fact, my mom still has some of our old sets from when we were kids and I have witnessed my children, nieces and nephews enjoy them to this day. They are solid and timeless. Not all of the toys that have been through our home are worth saving. Some we give away, some we sell. There are a few other items we have that will eventually be saved, too. So what's the big deal then, you ask?
I am saving these specific toys for my own grandkids to play with someday. When they come to my house...Grandmother's house. This is the first set being saved for this very purpose. As I sat here sorting and packing and removing all of the batteries (getting them ready for what I truly hope to be a nice long period of storage...here's looking at you teens!) I couldn't help but feel a little strange in the pit of my stomach that I have reached this stage of my life. So simple yet so weird at the same time. I knew this day would come...but...it's here now. My youngest are four year old twins. They could maybe play with these a little bit longer. But seriously, there is no shortage of toys around here. The holidays just passed and we really have to make some room for the new. Big boy toys. My babies are no longer babies. I am not having any more babies. Onward and upward.
Maybe this means nothing to you. But to me...it's internally a big deal. I am all out of babies. I am almost done with diapers (one of the twins is still holding on to those, ugh). Sippy cups are going away this month. I...just...wow.
- - - - - - - - -
Unrelated...Hi there! Thanks for stopping by. It's been a while since I have blogged and that's okay. No idea if and when I will have the time to do it again...but I am hopeful for 2017 and the possibility of getting back into the swing of writing again. I have dabbled over in my other blog(s) but haven't written in here since October 2015. Whoa! Truthfully, I miss the writing. But life got busy and super serious there for a while. When I really wanted to write about something I just couldn't because it was about things I didn't feel good about sharing publicly (I even had to go back to edit and remove some old posts). Many deleted drafts. Whenever I would start writing about something I felt like I was lying by having to leave out truths and candy coat situations. It just didn't feel right. I took a break.
I started this first SuperMom blog on December 13, 2011 after my husband surprised me with my very first laptop computer. Brand new and all for me! Since then I have written over 88 posts and have had almost 33,000 hits. I am proud of this blog. I missed it. I didn't write in here at all in 2016. Life truly ran away with me. No promises but I do hope to get in here a little more this year.
Now my life is crazy busy but in a good way. I have many things I wish I had the time to share...if I can only find the time. Two personal businesses, a new non profit, motherhood and marriage going well, volunteering efforts, new puppy, fun trips and the amazing-ness that was 2016! So much has happened. We'll just have to wait and see. Bring it on 2017 and a very Happy New Year to all of you. Cheers!
Pick your switch. My siblings and I heard this line quite a few times when we were growing up. "Pick your switch" meant that we were in serious trouble. We were to head straight out to the back yard and choose which switch (stick of appropriate size) we were to be spanked with. We were to bring it to our parent right away and they would methodically remove the stems and leaves while we watched and waited for our inevitable punishment. Other times it was a belt, a wooden spoon or a ping pong paddle. It wasn't just our parents, it was many kids' parents. It was the daycare provider. A school teacher might even have tried similar at times. That was just the way it was. We're talking late seventies, early eighties and maybe a little longer.
Not all parents chose to discipline in this way back then but I do believe it was a little more of the norm at that time. And before that, when my parents were children, it was a whole lot worse. The discipline that my siblings and I received as children was a toned down version of the discipline that our parents received at the hands of our grandparents and their communities. I believe my parents held back a bit. Trying not to hurt us in the same ways that their parents may have hurt them because they loved us and were making an effort to parent differently. A conscious effort. I believe that our generation is trying to do the same.
I do not spank my kids. I never break out the belt or the spoon or anything like that. I hold no ill will towards my parents for spanking me any which way when I was a child. That being said, I also do not feel that my parents ever crossed a dangerous invisible line. There was no blood or broken skin. They spanked hard enough to sting, to make us cry and be sore for a little while. All in the hopes that we would think hard about what we had done wrong and hopefully get the point and never do the same action again. In my humble opinion, it didn't really work in that way. We very much disliked being spanked but we didn't think about being spanked the next time we were tempted by something naughty. Spanking was futile.
When my oldest two children were very young I attempted to spank a couple of times. It did not work. I was only using my hand and their cute little butts were covered in clothes or a pull up or whatever. My heart wasn't in it and they probably felt close to nothing. I actually think they found it more interesting than deterring. It also dawned on me that what I was attempting to accomplish was silly. Just plain silly in a common sensical kind of way. I spend my days teaching my children to be kind and thoughtful, that hitting someone is never the solution and that hurting someone is wrong. And yet I tried to show them right from wrong by hitting them? So stupid when I really got to thinking about it.
When I need to discipline any of my five children now, and for the last maybe fourteen years or so after I wised up, I use different forms of punishment depending on age and the severity of their infraction. We use timeouts, redirection, grounding from different things and for different lengths of time, strongly worded conversations in a very firm tone, reflection on situations and every once in a while a slap to the back of the hand. The hand slap is saved only for those times in which they are about to cause serious harm to themselves or others. If one tries to stick a fork in the electrical socket, they are probably going to get a slap to the hand, one time and not hard enough to do any physical damage. Our choices of discipline seem to be working and I have pretty well behaved children. I understand that not all children, and parents for that matter, are alike. We need to choose what is right for our own family dynamic. At the same time we need to take into consideration the standards of the society in which we choose to live too.
The world is so different now. I am not just talking about how parents discipline their children. We can look at all kinds of things that used to be done differently back in the day. Car seats and seat belt safety. Work place safety regulations. Equal opportunity employment. Government operations. Prescription drug studies and distribution. The list literally goes on and on. What am I getting at? The blatant truth here is that we as people and as a society are constantly evolving and learning from our mistakes. Just because something was done a certain way say fifty years ago does not mean that it was the right way. We learn and we change and we move forward more educated and most times safer.
That being said, I am also aware that we are not all born with common sense. We are not all born with a self awareness and will power or even the ability to see things within ourselves that we would like to change and then to follow through with it. If we could all do that then the world would be a much different place. And this right here is why we have ever changing rules, regulations and laws. Someone needs to step in at times to help those who do not see the damage that they do. Kind of like the whole somebody-ruined-it-for-everybody thing. Silly example but long ago I worked for a popular restaurant chain and we, the employees, were allowed to stay after work and have a couple cocktails if we wished. That is until somewhere, in some other state, an employee had his couple cocktails, went home, decided climbing a ladder for whatever reason was a good idea and then fell off said ladder causing serious injury to himself. After that, nation wide, we were no longer allowed to stay and have a drink after work. The restaurants way of protecting us from ourselves and probably themselves from a big lawsuit. Right or wrong, this is just how the world works.
As for my opinion on the whole Adrian Peterson Fiasco? What he did was probably wrong. I say "probably" only because I do not know the whole story. I only know the bits and pieces that I have read about here and there in the media. And of course the swarms of comments by regular folk with their ten cents. Honestly, I do believe in the whole innocent-until-proven-guilty thing. So, I am going to sit back and let the authorities do what they need to do to solve this situation. I have to have faith in them because I choose to be an American and live in this country. If we ever feel they are doing wrong by us, venting on Facebook and the like is no way to make a change. Just sayin'.
While we are on the subject of Adrian Peterson and his lapse of judgement when spanking his young son with a stick and causing physical harm, allow me to add some perspective of my own. The only reason this is such a big deal is because he is famous. He is famous and got caught. Therefore, huge shit storm amongst the masses. Seriously? Take a moment and sit back from your screen. Think about your family, your coworkers, your neighbors, your fellow church goers. Adrian is not alone here. This kind of discipline still happens all of the time, all around us every day and usually behind closed doors. Not always closed. I have come across my fair share of parents out in public who seem not to have a care about who sees them doing this that and the other to their children for the whole world to see. But most of the time they don't talk about it. They don't sit at their desk at work and announce to their fellow office workers that they gave it to their kid real good the previous evening. They tone their story down or they keep the nitty gritty details to themselves and don't share at all. Why? Because deep down inside they know that many of us don't want to hear that and would probably disagree with their choice of discipline. Yet, like so many, they don't have it in themselves to change their ways. Sad but true.
So, yes, what Adrian supposedly did, like so many others still do all around us every single day, is wrong. We can sit at our screens and judge them until the cows come home and our faces turn blue. It won't solve anything. We need to leave the judging up to the judges. That is their job to define where the dangerous invisible line is drawn. And if we do not agree with how he/they are judged than we, as people and as a society, can get up off of our collective asses and make a difference where it really counts. We can lead by example. We can write letters to our government agencies. We can find or create support networks where citizens could get the education and the resources they may need to make a change in themselves. We can do all sorts of things. But judging ain't one.
What I should be doing right now: packing. What I am doing right now: blogging. Why? Because I am on schedule so far and know that the next three weeks are going to be crazy, busy and tiring. Writing calms me, so here I sit. Just for a little while.
We spent the last year and a half preparing our house to go on the market. Silly looking back that we never got to some of those projects sooner so that we could have enjoyed our home in the condition it is now for a little longer. But, isn't that the way it goes? You come in with big plans and grand ideas only to learn a little about your self along the way while life and responsibilities consume you all the while. Yeah, I know we aren't the only ones. We live and we learn.
We learned that we are not fixer-upper kind of people. When we purchased this home, our first, eleven years ago, we were 21 and 24 years old. Feels so long ago and went by in a flash at the same time. We were so young. I remember the excitement and joy and feelings of pride that we were actually homeowners and had something that was ours to call home. Our first real and large purchase together as a couple. I remember getting the keys at closing, after getting hand cramps from the ridiculous number of signatures we had just done, and driving to our new home as quickly as legally possible. We slept on the floor that night, camped out in what became the dining room, happy as clams, just the two of us.
We became a family here. We were able to give my two amazing boys from a previous relationship a normal, stable and loving place to call home. This house is where our real lives began together, the four of us. My husband built deeper relationships with my boys in this house. We got a dog and named her Lucy. (And two cats within the following couple years) The boys were 3 and 4 back then and they have grown so much here; physically, mentally, socially and every other way possible. We have had good times and bad here but no regrets to speak of. I am so attached to this house, as if it too were a part of the family.
I fell in love with my husband, again and again, a hundred times over in this very house. We have laughed together, cried together, had deep and meaningful conversations in almost every room. We have grown together, discovered more and more about each other and made serious life decisions here. He asked me to marry him in this very kitchen. I, obviously, said yes. I planned our wedding here; hand made invitations at the coffee table, filled favor boxes with my boys in the booth, meticulously placed every flower into place with my own two hands and sat at the computer with my soon to be husband for hours burning a large pile of CDs with carefully chosen songs to use as our programs. The limo picked us up in this driveway to begin our honeymoon. So much love has happened here.
I conceived my three younger children in this house. I found out I was pregnant in these bathrooms. I told my husband we were expecting within these walls. I ate so much food and felt the babies kick me a million times while living here. I sat in this living room during the early signs of labor, waiting patiently to go to the hospital, to meet them and bring them here...to bring them home.
We have celebrated countless holidays, birthdays, family gatherings and momentous occasions in this house. I have cooked many many meals and desserts in my kitchen. I could not even begin to estimate the number of people who have been fed here. One of the ways I show love and appreciation is through my cooking and there has been a lot of that. A lot is probably a bit of an understatement.
Music has been made here. Many a local musician and friend has rocked these cellar walls. Life lasting friendships have been formed here, many over music.
There has been a tremendous amount of joy while living here. There has also been a significant amount of heartache. I would not change anything from the past and I am going to be so very sad to leave this home, to let it go. At the same time, there are a couple of things that I hope to leave behind and let go of as we take the next big step of our lives and move on to our next home. The next home that we plan to stay in forever. The next home that, many years from now, our grandkids will come to visit.
It is going to be different in so many ways. It is bigger and better for us as a family and knowing how much we need it makes the letting go a little easier. I know that I am going to cry when we leave our current house in just over two weeks (in fact, I already did a little crying just writing these words). I will probably cry the night before we move while we are camping out on the floor one last time, this time with the teens, so we can all say goodbye to the unique little blue house that has been a part of our lives for so very long and served us so well. I also know that I am going to cry when we walk into our new home. The home that we have worked so hard to get to. The home we wished so hard that we could give to our children. The home that is going to change our lives for the better in so many ways, but we will get into all of that another day. It will be different and the same.
We are the same. We will continue to grow as a couple, as people and as a family. We will continue to love, laugh and cry. I will continue to feed the masses. We will continue on with our lives from a couple miles away. I am looking forward to this new chapter and adventure of our lives. I am going to try to keep my chin up as I go pack up and begin to let go of this place I call home. First, I will go stuff my pockets full of Kleenex.
If it wasn't for a couple of pretty great things happening in the last couple of weeks, I would have told 2014 to stick it where the sun don't shine, take a flying leap off of an extremely tall bridge and pound a significant amount of sand. Pardon my rant and forgive me if I am vague in my explanations of just how poorly 2014 has treated me so far. Just because I am a blogger and, therefore, share a little too much information at times...doesn't mean I always get to tell you all everything. I wish I could, for me...not you (smirk). I enjoy blogging and writing in general even more so. It feels good to get things out and refresh my brain every once in a while. But, some things I have to keep close, private and sacred. Not just for myself but for those who I care for deeply and would hate to disrespect in any way, shape or form. So, there it is.
Anyway, I haven't really had a chance to blog this year. As some of you know, I was taking online college courses that started in early January and as much as I was enjoying them, they pretty much consumed all of my spare time, which was a pretty pitiful amount to begin with. All was going perfectly and I was acing both of my classes up until mid April. I hate to say this, but after a couple of things happened that were/are pretty devastating to me...I ended up with a D and an Incomplete. Sigh. I have taken this all pretty well. I feel badly about the way my classes turned out but at the same time I know that life happens and I tried my best. Like my mom says to me sometimes, "Life just gets all lifey on us." It did. It really, really did.
So, one of the bad things that happened is behind me now, over and done with, thank goodness. The other thing...well, it kind of feels like it is looming over me, hovering like a black cloud ready to release it's worst at any moment. Fortunately, with the support of my closest family and friends, I can hopefully make it out all in one piece mentally and emotionally. Time will tell.
On top of school and everything else that a mother of five must deal with, we have spent the last year or so getting our house ready to sell. No easy task with all the kiddos and three pets. But...we did it! (With a lot of help from our friends ;-) We listed our house and sold it in five days on the market. I believe I only had to get everyone out of the house for eight showings. I was dreading that part the most. Seriously, keeping the house as clean as possible and dragging everyone out for who knows how long, sometimes alone if it was during a work day for my hubby. Not to mention having strangers in my home. I had some serious anxiety over this and cried myself to sleep a couple of times during the months leading up to listing. I am so private and protective of my family and our personal space. It was hard to do but I knew deep down that we had to do it if we were ever going to get out of our too tiny house and give the kids more space. We were able to get it all done. Whew!
I guess it is not 100% for sure yet, we still have to get through the appraisal of our current home next week and then have closing day go off without a hitch in June, but these are all normal parts of the process that usually go pretty well. My husband and I also went house shopping on Sunday, found the perfect house, made an offer that was accepted and have that home inspection scheduled for Friday. Fingers crossed all of this just keeps going well and falling into place. I would love the good news to just keep coming in for a while. Really. (But I am soooo excited! The kids are all getting excited! Our new house is going to be so wonderful. And my dog is going to be so happy! I will get into all of that in a later post, though. Hee hee.)
Completely unrelated, since it has been so very long since I blogged, let's play catch up. I did audition for Rent at the local theatre. I did not make it into the show and that is totally OK. I gave it a shot and can cross that one right off of my list. I am looking forward to seeing it this summer, too.
After doing poorly in school, I have not decided if I am going to continue that particular journey or not yet. I enjoyed the classes, the learning and the daily general use of my super smart brain for something other than being a mom. Some of you may understand this...some of you won't. That's OK. It did take a lot of time away from the children and keeping up with the house and I have not decided how I feel about this yet. I am glad I enrolled in January and gave it a shot...I just don't know if it is exactly what I was looking for. I know that I am looking for something but I truly can't pinpoint it yet. Since the twins were born my life has changed so much and I am still trying to find...me? If that makes any sense.
I have not accomplished the perfect body. Ha! And I am so very OK with this. It would be nice and all, but I am so content in my own skin. My husband adores me, and I him. My kids love me, regardless. I am 36 years old and not afraid to say it, ever. I own it. Every gray hair, every new wrinkle. It is me, it is who I am and I have lived and earned every single year under my belt.
I am still trying to decide a second song to play and use in my DVD audition submission to The Voice. There is no specific date to send them in by, as they accept them all year long. Right now I have Dreams by Fleetwood Mac ready but I need to have two songs. I am not going to rush it and it is super far fetched anyway. Purely for fun to keep the tangerine dream alive. Although, I have been considering trying to find or start a band again. I have a couple of life hurdles to get through before I give it a go. Part of my problem with 2014 is that I took on way too much and couldn't keep up. I need to try not to do that anymore.
I think that was everything that ya'll may have been wondering. Now, we are all caught up. Hopefully life will calm down soon and the good things will keep coming. I miss having the time to write and when life does allow me to, that will be my first "me time" priority. Writing, creating, making and doing. That would be my personal happy place.
Oops. Really? A whole month (just over, actually, but who's counting?) has passed since my last post. This troubles me a bit. Only because writing is one of my favorite things to do now and I obviously do not get enough time to do it. I haven't been slacking off or anything. I'm sure that is what you are all thinking...unless, of course, you know me and that I have five kids and how finding that "me time" can be very tricky. Very tricky, indeed.
A couple posts ago I had a...what should I call it...a "mini meltdown", perhaps? I have since deleted that post for reasons that are my own, although I saved a copy and will re-post it again someday when the time is right. I am not ashamed of my feelings or my words. I own them. I am human. I do, however, need to protect myself sometimes...for now.
The reason I bring up the "meltdown" is because I have put a lot of changes into motion since that day. I realized, after putting my broken self in black and white for the world to see, that I needed to deal with some things in my life. I needed to make changes, make decisions, have conversations and figure out what exactly I want from this new strange life. Fifteen months ago I was a full time working mother of three. Overnight I became a stay at home mother of five. Before the twins I was focused, organized, busy and determined...in a good way. Since the twins were born I have been scatter-brained, indecisive and a little lost. I have also been extremely happy, though. I love being a mom so very much. I've said it before and I will say it again: motherhood is my favorite. Picture me saying it like Will Ferrell's character in Elf when he says, "I just like to smile. Smiling's my favorite."
"I just like to be a mom. Being a mom's my favorite." But at the same time, I felt the real me slowly slipping away. I have had moments where I felt like I might drown. I was giving up so much and taking on way too much, all at the same time. I had to prioritize. That is where I have been for the last month or so. I feel much better. I have refreshed optimism (with a healthy side dish of realistic goals and expectations.)
What specifically have I changed? The most important thing I have done since the "meltdown" is to have a heart-to-heart talk with my beloved husband. I will begin by saying that I try very hard to leave my marital issues out of this blog out of deep respect for his privacy. I am the one who chose to put my life in print, not him. I must also clarify that when I say "marital issues", we have very few negative issues. He is an amazing man and my perfect match in every way possible. I love him unconditionally and trust him explicitly and I know, without a doubt, that he feels the same way about me. How could we possibly go wrong with a marriage like that, right?
One thing. Since the twins were born, bless their little hearts, we have probably experienced the hardest thing that we have ever had to deal with as a couple. Five kids is no cake walk. And after a little while, instead of leaning on each other as we should have, we sort of both retreated to our own corners, in our own ways, to lick our wounds like beat down dogs and suffer alone in silence. So silly. We should know better. So, we spoke our minds, we shed our tears and we made some changes that have already begun to work their magic. All is well and we are the stronger for it, both as a couple and as a family. Yeah us!
Where are my priorities? I am only taking on one volunteer project for the school this year. I am the Scholastic Book Fair Chair for my son's middle school. This is something that we can do together; bonding with each other while doing something important at the same time. Win-win.
Instead of quiting The Mommies Network, I took a leave of absence from my volunteer posts. After speaking with the founder of the organization, this seemed like the right choice. After the holidays are over, I will continue as chapter manager for MinneapolisMommies but I have chosen to step down as their Blended Families Forum Moderator. This will allow me to focus on the part that is most important to me, which is building a local community of mothers who can get together, support each other and go out and have a good time every once in a while. If I need these things, there have to be a whole lot of other moms that do to.
I am making an effort to play my guitar more. I am even trying to write a song or two and have started to get callouses on the tips of my left fingers again, which I haven't had since high school. I am putting no pressure on myself and it feels good. Whatever happens, happens. I am not working out, trying to get the perfect body back. I probably won't get to fulfill a long time dream to be in a musical this summer. I am not going to be in a pageant and represent my town. There are so many things that I want(ed) to do, but I am learning to accept the fact that not all of these wishes will turn out to be. I am forcing myself to be much more choosy in my efforts. This will help me not feel let down or broken hearted. I don't want to be the girl that is all talk with no follow through. I am now trying to allow myself to really focus on the most important things. This will take some discipline.
I just celebrated my birthday. I am now 36. I am 100% okay with this. I embrace my aging. Although, a thought did cross my mind this week. I had a moment where I was sad because I realized how old I was and that I had nothing to show for it. No career, no degree. I had not accomplished a single dream that I had for myself from when I was a kid. I am not even remotely close to where I thought I would be. This moment of sadness was brief. Partly because many of those dreams were far fetched and a tiny bit unrealistic for regular people. But mostly, the sadness was brief because I thought to myself, "Ginny, don't be an idiot. Look at your life." I have a lot to show. I have an adoring husband and five of the best kids a mom could ask for. I have a house and two cars, health insurance, savings and investments. I have a huge family full of love and support for each other. I am healthy and alive. I get to be a stay at home mom! I have food in the refrigerator and clothes on my back. Not everyone can say all of these things. I am not saying it to brag or to pat myself on the back. I am saying it for perspective. I am saying it to remind myself that I have no reason to feel bad about what I have or have not done with my life.
I am going to digress for a moment...but when the hell did we become grown-ups? Seriously. Over the last year there has been so much change and loss and pain and happiness. I have lost old friends and acquaintances to cancer, suicide and death by natural or unexplained causes. People in my world have experienced abuse and divorce, marriages, births and miscarriages, custody battles and lawyer bills. New homes have been purchased and old homes have been lost or sold. There have been home improvements, both planned and not so planned. (Don't even get me started on my damn boiler heat issue) Jobs have come and gone. Life is in constant motion all around us and it can knock us on our asses at times by the pure heaviness of it all. I was out with an old girlfriend a few weeks ago and we were in total disbelief about all of the real "grown-up shit" that has unfolded itself before us, and people we know, from all possible angles. One day you are twenty years old and then you blink and suddenly you are an adult and real life just sort of happened all around you. Again, perspective. I really need to complain a lot less.
So, what do I want? I want to continue being a stay at home mom. I want to be more patient. I want to be a better wife and mother. I want to write more. I want to volunteer. And I have decided to go back to school and finish my two year Associates degree that I started back in 2001. I will officially be a full time student, entirely online, in January. This is my list to focus on. These are the things I have decided are most important to me. These are the things that made the cut. This is how I move from sink to swim. Wish me luck.
Or rather, perfectly stormy. My twin boys are officially 9 months old. I was pregnant with them for almost the whole 9 month gestation. To be exact, 36 1/2 weeks, or better yet, just over 8 1/2 cycles of the big and beautiful moon. An infinite number of things can happen in such an insignificant length of time on this earth. Lives can be completely rearranged, tossed and scattered just like a million sea shells upon the sand. New life can grow and swell in unison inside another living being. Relationships can wane or flourish; they may even experience a combination of the two. Sleep and to do lists can be swept to the side in a tide of new responsibilities and flowing tears of joy and sadness, creeping ever deeper, can consume an unsuspecting soul into their depths. Or, one can learn to swim, even if it is only treading water at times. All that matters is that you can keep your head above water, at least until your tippy toes can touch the bottom or your mind, body and soul become stronger.
The last 9 months have not been a perfect walk along the beach. My husband and I feel like we have accomplished something great together, regardless. We made it through a very difficult time and came out stronger, closer and even more sure of the strength we have as a unit. We made it through. We held each others hands and didn't allow the storm to take us down.
How can I measure the last 9 months? Approximately 255 days, 6,120 hours, 367,200 minutes, 22,032,000 seconds, give or take. I have probably prepared and fed the babies 3,500 bottles, well over 200 cans of formula. I have changed around 5,600 diapers and pull ups and used up 16,500 wipes. I have fixed nearly 300 bumps, bruises and scrapes. I have possibly slept, on average, 5 hours a night, at best. This equals around 1,275 hours, if I am bring generous. I have attended maybe 30 doctor, dentist, physical therapy and optical appointments. I have cleaned the whole house...once? But, have done 250 loads of laundry, 300 piles of dishes and an unlimited number of other household tasks. I have paid over 100 monthly bills. I slept on the couch for at least 3 or 4 months because our house is too small, the babies do not have their own room and my dear hubby has to get up and go to work early in the mornings. I have cried a dozen times...or so. I have raised my voice more times than I care to admit.
On a lighter note...I have given a bazillion kisses and a lifetimes worth of hugs. I have laughed 4,000 times, at least, and smiled thousands more. I have played with my children everyday. I have shown them some new things. I have read hundreds of books and danced around the living room singing along with the songs loudly and proudly, often. I've told many silly jokes and stupid puns. I have tickled and pillow fought with gusto, on occasion. I've saved them from at least 50 spiders. I've given countless bubble baths for hours and hours until their 10 fingers and 10 toes each shriveled up into raisins. I've blown a trillion bubbles and side walk chalked enough to draw a line around the world. I have loved, with my entire being, all day, every day.
In 9 months I have discovered even more about myself. I am very aware that I am as complex as there are drops of water in the ocean. Each day is an adventure, some days better than others. My already wonderful marriage has flourished. Together we are as strong as the tides. The waves crashing against the rocks, slowly carving away, constantly changing the surface, are no match for our love and our strength together. After all of this, I know that we can accomplish anything. 18 months ago we started slowly treading water. We have since, learned to swim.
Good question. I am evolving. I know that as people we always are but at this particular moment in my life I have been doing so rather rapidly. I have been pretty set in my ways until recently. Having the twins has put changes in motion that I may and may not like. I also know that some of these changes are necessary and I am not really fighting them. I'm rolling with them. As if there was really a choice.
I make my bed every day. Crazy, right? I have not done this regularly in as long as I can remember. I was always in such a rush during my mornings. Not anymore. Now I do it. It feels strangely nice. Sort of like getting dressed in the morning. I still consider walking right by it sometimes, old habits you know, but then I stop myself and take the few seconds and actually make it. I figure there is no longer any good excuses. I am here all day every day now. Why not make the bed?
I have had to reschedule many appointments in the last eight weeks. This was really unlike me. Nowadays, it is just the way it goes. I have a nearly three year old girl and eight week old twin boys at home with me all day long. (The older kids are usually in school) Sometimes I just can not get somewhere. This bothers me a little bit but I know it is for the best and I have to remain flexible. It ultimately comes down to the kids well being, happiness and stress levels. I have to anticipate their moods and collective voices. I have to be kind to all of us and not push our limits unless absolutely necessary. I may have to reschedule sometimes but I will be forever punctual. If I am going to be somewhere, I will be there on time. This I can not let go of. Even with all the kids, I am pretty good at getting all of us ready and out the door on time. It is important to me. I really can't stand the feeling of being late. I avoid it as much as possible.
My laundry and dishes don't pile up anymore. These tasks, along with raising five kids and running our household, are all part of my new career, Stay-At-Home-Mom. My laundry baskets and sink are my new "Inboxes". I heard it takes 28 days to form a habit. I am not so sure. I have been home for eight weeks now and I still struggle a bit. I have to make a conscious effort every single day in order to stay on top of these things. Although, it could just be because I am at the mercy of five strange young beings I willingly share my house with. (wink)
I don't really sleep anymore. Apparently, I can still function surprisingly well with only a couple hours here and a couple hours there. It is not the most restful sleep either. I sleep with one eye open, so to speak, most of the time. I don't expect to be able to keep this up too much longer and should probably start finding ways to get a little more sleep soon. For the time being, I am hanging in there. I have always been one of those people that can fall asleep anytime and anywhere. I could sleep until two in the afternoon every single day if I had no responsibilities at all. Strangely, it seems with every new child I have I get less and less sleep at night. Imagine the odds.
I, admittedly, don't look quite my best lately. I was a working gal until the end of September. I wore nice clothes with all the fun accessories to match. I wore nylons and cute high heeled shoes. I did my make-up every morning and felt quite "put together". I took pride in my appearance at work. I am a firm believer in the saying, "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." I lived by these words, most days. These days, I'm lucky if I even get to brush my hair. I wear comfy clothes and fuzzy socks. I think I have put make-up on three times in the last eight weeks. I'm sure this sounds nice at first but, trust me, it can get a little old. I want to be cute again. Ha, ha. I have somewhere between five and ten pounds left to lose and then all of my normal clothes should fit me again. Then the trick will be to find the time to put it all on. But, then again, maybe I would just use that time to scarf some food down quickly before somebody needs something else. Maybe I would even get a potty break. (smirk)
The list goes on and on. The babies might have to cry a little bit longer than I would usually allow while they wait their turn for a clean diaper or I prepare two bottles instead of just one. My daughter might not get a bubble bath every other night like I would prefer. I make more dinners in the crock pot in order to save myself time in the kitchen at night. My house is a little bit cleaner that usual. I was actually able to audition for a play, which is something I have not been able to do since I was a junior in high school. I don't get to run to the store as often as I would like to. And so on. This is all OK, though. I am in a transitional period in my life. Do not misunderstand this blog entry as me complaining. Think of it more as though I am just stating the facts with a hint of sarcasm. A little bit of venting to an adult audience, as I am surrounded by small children all day otherwise. I am so very lucky to have what I have. I love this new version of my life and will embrace each day as it comes. I am truly blessed and I will not take this all for granted. Here is to the new and ever changing me.
No, I did not drop off the face of the planet. No, I did not give up on my blog. I did, however, recently have my world rocked and needed some time to process and recuperate. What's the big deal, you ask? I am pregnant. This is good news. Great news, in fact. My husband and I decided to leave it up to fate and see if one more child was in the cards for us. Come to find out that fate actually wanted us to have two more babies. Yup. You heard me right, it is twins! I was in complete shock. At moments, here and there, I actually still am.
Looking back I feel quite naive that the possibility of having twins never once crossed my mind. There are no twins on either side of our families, as far back as we know. But when you think about straight odds, I should have thought of it. I am thirty four. I have five brothers and between the six of us we already have ten kids. It was bound to happen to one of us eventually. Fate picked me.
I am a planner. I have become more organized. I am proud of how far I have come over the last ten years. There are no late bill payments, no late papers. I have our medical, personal, educational, financial and social affairs in order. I planned for one more baby. I was whole-heartedly ready for one last baby. Fate does not seem to care for my plans. Fate must think I had things a little too figured out.
Things have changed. I need a bigger car and a bigger house. These are things I already wanted but was in no hurry to acquire them. There is a possibility I will need to quit my job and be a stay-at-home-Mom for a while. This would be a blessing. A way to bond with my children that was never an option in my life before. The mentally difficult part of this for me is that I just spent the last four years of my life working my hardest towards a specific career goal. My efforts were beginning to pay off and changes were slowly in the works. Having one more baby would not have changed this path for me. Two more babies truly does.
I have had six weeks to process all of this information. I have been a wreck on so many different levels. This pregnancy has already been so different from my previous ones. I am extremely nautious and more tired than I have felt in my whole life. Hibernation sounds quite wonderful right now. My emotions are completely out of control. There have been episodes of depression and self-loathing. There is no libido to speak of. Some women feel more beautiful and excitable when the are pregnant. I have heard tales of glowing skin and hair and nails that grow in perfection. Not me. I actually feel extra hideous, gross, bloated and lame. I break out, which I almost never have a problem with when I am not pregnant. I am too hot, uncomfortable and irritable. I can't believe my husband was willing to do this with me again. I am truly grateful for my husband. He is a saint to sit by my side while I struggle with my body and my brain. My poor neglected husband. I am so lucky to have him.
And I now know that I am lucky to be having twins. I love babies. They are precious and smell like purity. I am very good with kids. Being a mother is my favorite. I have an amazing partner-in-crime and we have plenty of love to go around. I would be lying if I said I wasn't still a little bit scared. I am realistic. We are not out of the woods yet. October is still a ways away, but I have high hopes and I am excited. I have a large and supportive family. We will be okay. Even without my perfect plans.
Serenity means to be free of stress and anxiety. I wonder what that is like. It sounds quite nice.
I could use some serenity in my life. I have more stress than I care to admit quite often. I have also been known to have my share of anxiety attacks. It is usually my own fault. I put too much pressure on myself, want everything to be perfect and hold myself to ridiculous standards. I am aware of this and consciously battle inside myself to keep it in check. I am now, and always have been, a extremely independent person. There was a time in my life when I began to feel this part of myself slipping away. I was able to remedy my situation and get this quality back. Although, I am realizing now that while striving for this independence I have brought some extra self-imposed stress into my life.
My house is not as clean as I wish it were. I have very recently come to terms with this. I have not given up but I am now cutting myself a little slack. I have a husband, three children, a dog, two cats, a full time job and I currently volunteer at the school two hours each week. Housework is just one example of where I am currently making an effort to be less stressed. It will get cleaned eventually.
This brings us back to "serenity." I am literally bringing serenity into my life. Starting this Saturday, my husband and I will be playing a role playing game called Serenity with nine other friends. We will meet every other Saturday night until March 31st. That is seven Saturday nights away from my three wonderful children. For those of you who do not know me well, this is a HUGE step . I realized last night that by beginning this game I will be doing something I have not done for myself in nearly fourteen years. I have not been away from my kids on a regularly scheduled basis to do something for myself since I became a mother at twenty years of age. I would be lying to you if I said I was not a little freaked out. I am not sure how the time got away from me. I do know that being a mom is one of my favorite things in life, I just didn't mean for becoming one to consume me. This experience will hopefully help me to let go a bit and be a good thing for me and my understanding husband to do together.
The game should be a fun time. There was a show on for a while called Firefly. They later made a movie to wrap things up called Serenity. It was a kind of western set in the future outer space. Adventure, drama and comedy all wrapped into one. We all have our own characters that we have created based on the story line of the shows and will meet and play out outlandish scenarios given to us by the leader of the game. To some this will sound very geeky but I am looking forward to the time with good friends. I am nervous to leave my kids for so many nights but also know that by doing this I will push more stress right out of my life. My daughter will get to spend some quality bonding time with a few of her grandparents and my sons will have some time away from me with friends or possibly being trusted home alone. We will all grow from this. I am scared and excited at the same time. Serenity now!
By no means am I a writer. I have many talents and sadly writing has never been one of them. I wish I could write. I have tried and in my mind never succeeded. Nothing worthy of even showing another living soul, in my opinion. I'm full of opinions, ideas, thoughts, secrets even. Never brave enough to just put it out there and let it fly. It has been one of my many Tangerine Dreams, so to speak. By beginning this blog I hope to tap into a little of what I have held back and bottled up. Always too busy with everything and everyone else around me to even bother taking some time for myself and process and feel and wish aloud. Admittedly, worried about what others might think. There are other things besides writing I wish I had the courage to do. Maybe this is my baby step. I have grown so much in the last ten years but I know I can not possibly be done.
This is an opportunity to show my children it's never too late to change, to grow up, to try new things. I am afraid of failing, procrastinating, giving up.
I deserve the time. I have to take some. I hope I do.
