Pick Your Switch

Image from: http://vanriggins.wordpress.com/2012/05/22/discipline-in-kids-ministry/

Pick your switch. My siblings and I heard this line quite a few times when we were growing up. "Pick your switch" meant that we were in serious trouble. We were to head straight out to the back yard and choose which switch (stick of appropriate size) we were to be spanked with. We were to bring it to our parent right away and they would methodically remove the stems and leaves while we watched and waited for our inevitable punishment. Other times it was a belt, a wooden spoon or a ping pong paddle. It wasn't just our parents, it was many kids' parents. It was the daycare provider. A school teacher might even have tried similar at times. That was just the way it was. We're talking late seventies, early eighties and maybe a little longer.

Not all parents chose to discipline in this way back then but I do believe it was a little more of the norm at that time. And before that, when my parents were children, it was a whole lot worse. The discipline that my siblings and I received as children was a toned down version of the discipline that our parents received at the hands of our grandparents and their communities. I believe my parents held back a bit. Trying not to hurt us in the same ways that their parents may have hurt them because they loved us and were making an effort to parent differently. A conscious effort. I believe that our generation is trying to do the same.

I do not spank my kids. I never break out the belt or the spoon or anything like that. I hold no ill will towards my parents for spanking me any which way when I was a child. That being said, I also do not feel that my parents ever crossed a dangerous invisible line. There was no blood or broken skin. They spanked hard enough to sting, to make us cry and be sore for a little while. All in the hopes that we would think hard about what we had done wrong and hopefully get the point and never do the same action again. In my humble opinion, it didn't really work in that way. We very much disliked being spanked but we didn't think about being spanked the next time we were tempted by something naughty. Spanking was futile.

When my oldest two children were very young I attempted to spank a couple of times. It did not work.  I was only using my hand and their cute little butts were covered in clothes or a pull up or whatever. My heart wasn't in it and they probably felt close to nothing. I  actually think they found it more interesting than deterring. It also dawned on me that what I was attempting to accomplish was silly. Just plain silly in a common sensical kind of way. I spend my days teaching my children to be kind and thoughtful, that hitting someone is never the solution and that hurting someone is wrong. And yet I tried to show them right from wrong by hitting them? So stupid when I really got to thinking about it.

When I need to discipline any of my five children now, and for the last maybe fourteen years or so after I wised up, I use different forms of punishment depending on age and the severity of their infraction. We use timeouts, redirection, grounding from different things and for different lengths of time, strongly worded conversations in a very firm tone, reflection on situations and every once in a while a slap to the back of the hand. The hand slap is saved only for those times in which they are about to cause serious harm to themselves or others. If one tries to stick a fork in the electrical socket, they are probably going to get a slap to the hand, one time and not hard enough to do any physical damage. Our choices of discipline seem to be working and I have pretty well behaved children. I understand that not all children, and parents for that matter, are alike. We need to choose what is right for our own family dynamic. At the same time we need to take into consideration the standards of the society in which we choose to live too.

The world is so different now. I am not just talking about how parents discipline their children. We can look at all kinds of things that used to be done differently back in the day. Car seats and seat belt safety. Work place safety regulations. Equal opportunity employment. Government operations. Prescription drug studies and distribution. The list literally goes on and on. What am I getting at? The blatant truth here is that we as people and as a society are constantly evolving and learning from our mistakes. Just because something was done a certain way say fifty years ago does not mean that it was the right way. We learn and we change and we move forward more educated and most times safer.

That being said, I am also aware that we are not all born with common sense. We are not all born with a self awareness and will power or even the ability to see things within ourselves that we would like to change and then to follow through with it. If we could all do that then the world would be a much different place. And this right here is why we have ever changing rules, regulations and laws. Someone needs to step in at times to help those who do not see the damage that they do. Kind of like the whole somebody-ruined-it-for-everybody thing. Silly example but long ago I worked for a popular restaurant chain and we, the employees, were allowed to stay after work and have a couple cocktails if we wished. That is until somewhere, in some other state, an employee had his couple cocktails, went home, decided climbing a ladder for whatever reason was a good idea and then fell off said ladder causing serious injury to himself. After that, nation wide, we were no longer allowed to stay and have a drink after work. The restaurants way of protecting us from ourselves and probably themselves from a big lawsuit. Right or wrong, this is just how the world works.

As for my opinion on the whole Adrian Peterson Fiasco? What he did was probably wrong. I say "probably" only because I do not know the whole story. I only know the bits and pieces that I have read about here and there in the media. And of course the swarms of comments by regular folk with their ten cents. Honestly, I do believe in the whole innocent-until-proven-guilty thing. So, I am going to sit back and let the authorities do what they need to do to solve this situation. I have to have faith in them because I choose to be an American and live in this country. If we ever feel they are doing wrong by us, venting on Facebook and the like is no way to make a change. Just sayin'.

While we are on the subject of Adrian Peterson and his lapse of judgement when spanking his young son with a stick and causing physical harm, allow me to add some perspective of my own. The only reason this is such a big deal is because he is famous. He is famous and got caught. Therefore, huge shit storm amongst the masses. Seriously? Take a moment and sit back from your screen. Think about your family, your coworkers, your neighbors, your fellow church goers. Adrian is not alone here. This kind of discipline still happens all of the time, all around us every day and usually behind closed doors. Not always closed. I have come across my fair share of parents out in public who seem not to have a care about who sees them doing this that and the other to their children for the whole world to see. But most of the time they don't talk about it. They don't sit at their desk at work and announce to their fellow office workers that they gave it to their kid real good the previous evening. They tone their story down or they keep the nitty gritty details to themselves and don't share at all. Why? Because deep down inside they know that many of us don't want to hear that and would probably disagree with their choice of discipline. Yet, like so many, they don't have it in themselves to change their ways. Sad but true.

So, yes, what Adrian supposedly did, like so many others still do all around us every single day, is wrong. We can sit at our screens and judge them until the cows come home and our faces turn blue. It won't solve anything. We need to leave the judging up to the judges. That is their job to define where the dangerous invisible line is drawn. And if we do not agree with how he/they are judged than we, as people and as a society, can get up off of our collective asses and make a difference where it really counts. We can lead by example. We can write letters to our government agencies. We can find or create support networks where citizens could get the education and the resources they may need to make a change in themselves. We can do all sorts of things. But judging ain't one.

My Insignificant 9/11 Story

Image from: http://framework.latimes.com/2012/07/19/world-trade-center-july-1986/

September 11, 2001: It was a regular ol' morning during my former life. I had recently decided to go back to college starting in late August 2001. I was a young mother with two sons ages three and one. I was still with their father at this time, living in a tiny two bedroom apartment in a not so great part of town. I considered myself an average American and still do. Just living life, day by day, hoping for the American Dream someday.

My long time boyfriend was already gone for the day, either at school or at work, I really don't remember. My boyfriend's brother's on again off again girlfriend came over in the morning to watch our sons while I went over to the local community college for my morning Biology class. I was, of course, too busy to turn on the television in the mornings. I drove to school listening to a CD in my car instead of the radio. Arriving at school just before class began, I cut straight through the courtyard and into the Science building without stopping in the cafeteria for my usual morning cup of cheap coffee. Class began at 9:00 AM. I remember my professor was just a couple minutes late. Hindsight has me guessing he had just found out about the attacks in New York and kept his poker face on for us, the students, keeping us in the dark for almost two whole hours so we would concentrate. Class was done right around 11:00 AM and I swung by the cafeteria before I headed home.

It was not even lunch time yet but the room was completely packed...and nearly silent. The chairs were full and all pulled up near the televisions. Students and staff sitting completely still and staring open mouthed up at the screens. I stepped closer, tentatively, to see what the big deal was. I remember feeling nervous in my stomach. It didn't take long to catch on. The news channel just kept playing the footage over and over from different angles. I only stood there for a couple of minutes and each time they showed the planes hit the buildings all I could think was that they were showing us people dying, over and over. Those buildings had been full of life. Everyone had already shown up for work that morning. I was instantly nauseous. Usually, in a situation like that I would change the channel, wait to read the news story or forget about it all together. I prefer not to watch people or children or animals being hurt in any way if I can avoid it. I do not condone it's excessive coverage and try not to support these kinds of stories in any way. But this day...this day was different.

I didn't stick around to eat and study in the cafeteria that day. I got in my car and drove home to my babies as fast as I legally could. I turned on my own television and was slowly educated on the tragic events of the morning. I hugged my babies more than usual. I was consumed by the news for the rest of the day, into the evening and then the wee hours of the next morning. I cried off and on. I didn't know anyone involved. I was crying for the strangers lost, the families left behind and the new world we were sure to be heading into. Far away news stories don't usually effect me like that. Still, I cried for my own children and for the unpredictable world I raise them in.

Fast forward thirteen years. Does that event still effect me? Yes. Yes it does. Today is the anniversary. If I had my way today, my family and I would be hiding. I would have asked my husband to take the day off of work. I would have kept all of the children home from school. We would have stayed home and had a nice day together, hiding away from the world and it's hideousness at times. But that is no way to live. I can't live that way. I would never make my family live that way. I do not feel like this every year but the world is still not at ease. Especially in recent months. ISIS claims that they will be here soon. They may or they may not. They may be here already. Any which way, I must go on with everyday life. I will not project unhealthy fear onto my family. I will not allow the bad guys of the world to have that power over me. It is truly out of my control. But, I am a mom and surely not the only one who has crazy thoughts now and again, however out of our control the situations may be. We lay awake at night and think of everything. Everything.

So, why bother sharing my insignificant 9/11 story? Because I am convinced that I am not alone. I am not the only American mom or parent that has thoughts like these. Not the only one who lays awake at night hoping and praying that my children never have to experience a day in the world like 9/11. I am not the only one who on a day like today almost doesn't let go of the child they are about to send away on the school bus, off into this crazy world that keeps us on our toes. And definitely not the only one who counts down the minutes until their children and their significant other makes it home at the end of the day, unscathed and unchanged. I just choose to write about mine as it helps me get through days like these.

So, in remembrance of those lost and those effected, here's to you and to us and to them. I will never forget.

(Note: The photo I chose for this post was not from that day but still represented what I wanted it to.)

Who's the Parent?!

I am. Not the media. Not the school. Not Disney or any other children's programming company. I am the parent. I take full responsibility for what goes into my childrens' brains. From what they see on the television to what they hear on the radio; the words I say and the things that I do. I am the example and the person who should help them interpret and understand the world around them as they grow. I am the one who is their advocate through constant vigilance. Does it get tiring? Of course it does. Is it hard to say no sometimes? Yes it is. As a parent, there is no other choice. Anyone who thinks otherwise is kidding themselves, at the expense of the children.

http://movies.yahoo.com/blogs/movie-talk/merida-disney-princess-controversial-makeover-brave-heroine-really-224924634.html

I'm OK if this ruffles some feathers. So be it. I own my beliefs and opinions. I hope this is a trait that rubs off onto my children. This story in the news recently regarding the controversy of a new appearance for Merida, the princess from the Disney movie Brave, pissed me off. My gut reaction to her new look...who cares? Disney created her and they can do whatever they want to her image. My daughter is three years old and adores the movie Brave. She thinks that Merida is the Bee's Knees. She has already watched the movie more times than I can count and I am sure she will watch it many more. Will Merida's new image damage my young daughter's self esteem. Absolutely not. Why, you ask? Because I won't allow it. I am always willing to talk with my children about any topic and I will keep the conversation age appropriate. If we see a poster or a toy in the store with the new Merida, and my daughter notices or even cares, we will have a talk about it. That's my job.

To me, the comparison pictures look like Merida grew up. Before, she was a brave, confident, opinionated and active teenager. Awkward and beautiful. The after picture is as if Merida is all grown up. She looks like the queen she was destined to be. She had supportive parents that raised her right. She appears to have grown out of her gangley teen aged body and blossomed into a lovely woman. Why should this damage my daughter and her image of herself? If I were to sit around my house and say aloud how awful this new image is, how damaging it is, how against it I am, how Disney is giving off the wrong impression, my daughter would hear those words and like the little sponge that she is, take them as her own because I am her mother and as a child she respects what I have to say. She looks up to me and I won't take that for granted.

If an opportunity presents itself where I have to give little DJ my two cents on Merida's new picture, I will choose my words wisely. I may say things like "Merida has a pretty new dress" or "she is all grown up now". Maybe I could say "Merida is trying out a new conditioner and her hair looks shiny and full." It could be any number of things that come out of my mouth but I guarantee you that they will be positive words. Why shouldn't they be?

If the people out there hate Merida's before and after picture, than what would they say about me. Most days I sit around in my jammies or comfy house clothes. I rarely put on make-up and admittedly walk around with knots in my hair because I am too busy taking care of the house and the kids. My legs are stubbly because I haven't been able to shave in a while. But you better believe when I get an opportunity to go out with my girlfriends or on a date with my husband, I get all dolled up. I take a shower and wear perfume. I put on my make up and jewelry. I wear fun clothes, fancy clothes, maybe even sexy clothes. How dare I! I am my daughter's example of how a girl or a woman should appear. What I do personally is going to effect my daughter more than some cartoon will. That is the way it should be. I will not be ashamed, nor will I let my daughter be so, when I get dressed up or "better looking." My children love me and respect me no matter what I look like. That is how they will see the world because that is what I, as their parent, represent.

If I don't like or agree with something, than it is my job to make sure it doesn't enter my childrens' world. It is up to me how I express myself to my children. My daughter watched an episode of Baby Bratz about six months ago on Netflix. One episode was plenty for me and she knows that they are no longer welcome in our home. At her age, she does not understand why she can't watch that specific cartoon but she does know that it is a rule of mine. As she gets older, if she still wonders, I will have no problem telling her my reasoning. I could tell her now but at three years old she has no idea what "sexy" means and it would be pointless to try and make her understand. I told my daughter that I do not like that cartoon and that I thought it was inappropriate for her. Baby Bratz disturbed me because the little girl characters, still in diapers, were dressing up "sexy" on purpose. They put on elaborate make-up, wore tiny little shirts that exposed their belly buttons and walked in a way that flaunted their sexy little baby butts, complete with sultry leg poses. This was wrong on so many levels in my eyes and I chose to eliminate the cartoon from my home. I am not writing nasty letters to whoever created them. They are allowed to make what they want to. It is my right not to let my kids watch it and that is where it ends.

image is from http://games.softpedia.com

Not only is it my job to keep what I do not approve of out of my home, it is also up to me to make sure the other people in my childrens' lives know my wishes. A perfect example happened last Fall when my Mom and her partner took my oldest son out for his birthday present. They took him out for dinner, to the chocolate shop and then to the store to buy a new video game. My son was asking for games that my Mom was not 100% sure of. She was respectful enough to call me and my husband and ask permission. There are thousands of games out there and it is impossible to know about ever single one. It was not the most convenient time, but my husband and I took the time to step over to the computer and look up the video games in question. One was a definite 'no' because it contained 'rape' in the description. One of the games we could not find anything on at that particular moment so it was a 'no' until further investigation. I explained to my son that if he really wanted that particular game, he would have to take a rain check until we could get a better description. He, being fourteen years old, wanted his present right away and ended up picking one that could be a 'yes' right away. He understood and respected our decision even though he did not agree with or like it. He did question me later about the game that contained 'rape' in the description and I explained to him that I felt that playing a video game containing 'rape' was not necessary, that there are many other video games available that do not contain that subject matter and also that I know he is responsible and would never do anything like that but it still didn't need to be in our home at the time. He was fine. I say 'no' and my kids accept it. We are consistent and reasonable parents.

I can not be everywhere, all of the time. I am open with my children and they know where I stand. I ask questions and stay involved. If I am concerned with what will be done or watched somewhere when I can not be with them, I am not afraid to talk to the other parents or adults in charge. I am not afraid to tell my kids 'no' and explain myself when I do. They will continue to grow into confident individuals and respect me all the while. They are being raised by me, not MTV. They will not find their self worth from the media or the like. They get that from home.

Not only is it my job to keep what I do not approve of out of my home, it is also up to me to make sure the other people in my childrens' lives know my wishes. A perfect example happened last Fall when my Mom and her partner took my oldest son out for his birthday present. They took him out for dinner, to the chocolate shop and then to the store to buy a new video game. My son was asking for games that my Mom was not 100% sure of. She was respectful enough to call me and my husband and ask permission. There are thousands of games out there and it is impossible to know about ever single one. It was not the most convenient time, but my husband and I took the time to step over to the computer and look up the video games in question. One was a definite 'no' because it contained 'rape' in the description. One of the games we could not find anything on at that particular moment so it was a 'no' until further investigation. I explained to my son that if he really wanted that particular game, he would have to take a rain check until we could get a better description. He, being fourteen years old, wanted his present right away and ended up picking one that could be a 'yes' right away. He understood and respected our decision even though he did not agree with or like it. He did question me later about the game that contained 'rape' in the description and I explained to him that I felt that playing a video game containing 'rape' was not necessary, that there are many other video games available that do not contain that subject matter and also that I know he is responsible and would never do anything like that but it still didn't need to be in our home at the time. He was fine. I say 'no' and my kids accept it. We are consistent and reasonable parents.