Yesterday...

...kicked my arse. All I wanted to do was write. My goal for the day was to keep the kids happy, get a few chores done around the house so I didn't feel like a lazy bump for not accomplishing my household duties while I typed nonsense into the laptop, and then spend a relaxing evening in the living room with a big happy family while I did what I was so looking forward to doing. This is not how my day unfolded. By the end of the day I was laying on the couch, feeling nauseous and mentally exhausted, crabby as all get out and being weighed down into the cushions by a general feeling of malaise. I had been beat down.

By what? Nothing in particular; no specific pinpointable thing. It was just a day. I'm sure you can relate. The children were cranky and restless. Most likely feeling cooped up from all the rain and severe weather we have had over the last few days. The older children were nit picking and bickering off and on throughout the afternoon. My referee skills constantly at the ready. My house felt as though it was swallowing me alive. Some days the laundry and dishes and pet hair and everything else feels as though it is closing in all around me, similar to the scene in Star Wars where they are all trapped in the disgusting trash compactor room. Blah!

I tried getting the five kids out of the house to see if this helped their moods. It helped briefly. We took a very long walk through the neighborhoods of our town. I even stopped at the local CVS to pick up treats for us to eat and drink while we walked. It felt all-for-not, in the end. Ah well.

I did some dishes and then, with seven people in the house, the pile just magically reappeared, as usual. I washed and folded laundry for the better part of the day. By the time early evening rolled around and I was feeling beaten down, I had to give up. One load still in the washer and one in the dryer, a giant folded mountain covering the entire dining room table; it would just have to wait. 

Cooking dinner? Forget it. I fed the little ones something easy and the rest had to fend for themselves. Mini pizzas, Ramen noodles, leftover tacos, salads, sandwiches, a bowl of cereal; I didn't care and was in no mood. I ate a bowl of cereal around ten at night even though I wasn't feeling hungry.

My vacuum decided to die. Well, not really die, but needs some maintenance. I guess I need to take it apart, clean the roller, wash the filter, let them dry out and so on. Good grief. It's on the to do list. Maybe tonight even though I don't feel up to it yet. My poor babies are crawling all over now and I'm feeling kinda bad about that. This sucks...or not...get it? Sorry. Lame joke.

I had my oldest son help me put the air conditioners in the kids bedroom windows yesterday, finally. You know, it had only gotten to 84 degrees in their rooms the last few nights. When my daughter woke up immediately asking for a glass of water, I was feeling like a pretty bad mother at that point. But, all is better temperature wise today.

By 6:45 PM I had had enough for one day. I was on edge. I was starting to get very short with everyone. I felt like my face had gone into droopy walking zombie mode. This couldn't have been helping anyone around me. I tapped out, so to speak. All three little ones were put to bed a little earlier than usual. I felt a bit bad about doing this, but I have learned from experience (and some videos they make you watch in the hospital before you can take your baby home) that sometimes it is better to lay them down and walk away before you can do something stupid or potentially harmful. Not that I would ever get to the point of shaking a baby. I am very aware of my actions. But, it is still no good for them if I am in a bad mental place. They all fell asleep shortly after and were "happier". At that point, I laid on the couch, in and out of restless sleep and tossing, while the two big kids took turns playing Skyrim. After a while, I had had enough of that too and had them put in a movie.

To make a long story no shorter, yesterday sucked. I don't want to be a complainer, just venting, I suppose. If you would like me to shut the hell up, just close this tab on your computer screen. No offense will be taken. Today I woke up in a slightly better mood. Feeling a little less ill, anyway. I finished the dishes and the laundry. I baked banana chocolate chip bread for a family potluck we are going to this evening. I am writing, although not one of the many other "fun" topics I really wanted to write about because I am in no frame of mind for my words to come out right. I took a shower, which was probably the highlight of my weekend, so far. "It is what it is." I hate this saying but feel it is truthful at the moment.

Another mom I know said to me a while back, after having a rough day or two with her own children, that she felt bad about feeling so overwhelmed and had thought to herself that "Ginny can do this, no problem, and she has five kids. She is a super mom. I only have two kids and am struggling." I had to take a moment and set her straight. Although I was flattered and admittedly I can put on a good show of having all my shit together but, I have just as many bad days as the rest of the moms out there. I hide in my room and cry alone. I yell at my kids when I maybe shouldn't. I give them junk food for dinner when I have no will or energy to do anything more. I skip going places we were supposed to go because it is just too much work physically and mentally sometimes. I say to myself, in my head, "I'm gonna jump!" I am not a "Super Mom". I never said I was. I do try to be. I give it my best shot within my measly human means, almost every day. I "aspire" to be one someday. But, other days...other days I throw in the towel. I conceded to their madness. I beat myself up on the inside. I am human.

And that is all it is. Yesterday. It is gone, it is over, it is not coming back. That is the beautiful thing about yesterdays. They go away. Today I try harder. Then, I cross my fingers and tell myself, "Tomorrow will be better."