25 Rules: Dedicated in Loving Memory of Chris

This will be a long post. Not only is it a long post, but I also waited too long to write this one. An old high school friend shared '25 Rules for Mothers of Daughters' on his Facebook wall back on April 25th, 2013. Usually, when someone shares such a long read I just skip it altogether. This one, I actually decided to read because of who shared it and it moved me. I immediately copied and saved it because I knew that I wanted to use it in my blog. I planned on giving this old friend props in my post and a big thank you for sharing these wonderful words. Unfortunately, this friend passed away unexpectedly on May 19th, 2013. Shame on me for waiting so long. You just never know. Chris Bragelman, this one is for you. R.I.P.

Reading these rules, I was able to see where my strong points and weaknesses as a mother are, quite clearly. Most of these rules can apply to raising sons, too. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did and I will make my additions in italics so you may know my own words from the unknown author. So, here goes...

25 RULES FOR MOTHERS OF DAUGHTERS

1. Paint her nails. Then let her scratch it off and dirty them up. Teach her to care about her appearance, and then quickly remind her that living and having fun is most important.

I find myself shying away from messier crafts because I don't have the energy or the time to clean up all the extra messes in addition to the daily ones I clean already. Too often I may tell her not to get dirty because we have something or other else to do. I need to work on this. I need to create more time for plain old messy fun.

2. Let her put on your makeup, even if it means bright-red-smudged lips and streaked-blue eyes. Let her experiment in her attempts to be like you…then let her be herself.

On my To-Do list.

3. Let her be wild. She may want to stay home and read books on the couch, or she may want to hop on the back of a motorcycle-gasp. She may be a homebody or a traveler. She may fall in love with the wrong boy, or meet Mr. right at age 5. Try to remember that you were her age once. Everyone makes mistakes, let her make her own.

I feel like this is one of my stronger points as a mother. My two oldest children are teenagers now and I am doing my best to keep things in perspective and not stunt their social growth through my own insecurities. Time will tell if I get this one right. 

4. Be present. Be there for her at her Kindergarten performances, her dance recitals, her soccer games…her everyday-little-moments. When she looks through the crowds of people, she will be looking for your smile and pride. Show it to her as often as possible.

This one hits home pretty hard right now. I have missed so much of my two older sons' baseball games and such because of the three younger children. I do what I can but still feel like it is never enough. It hurts in my heart sometimes. I try to communicate openly and hope that they do not grow to resent their three younger siblings someday. I hope this gets better as the babies get older and are more conveniently mobile.

5. Encourage her to try on your shoes and play dress-up. If she would rather wear her brother’s superman cape with high heels, allow it. If she wants to wear a tutu or dinosaur costume to the grocery store, why stop her? She needs to decide who she is and be confident in her decision.

I got this! I have no problem with my children and what they choose to wear or be. I only get involved if it would be unsafe weather wise. Other than that, they can wear what they wish. Boys can wear pink. Girls can love dinosaur jammies.

6. Teach her to be independent. Show her by example that woman can be strong. Find and follow your own passions. Search for outlets of expression and enjoyment for yourself- not just your husband or children. Define yourself by your own attributes, not by what others expect you to be. Know who you are as a person, and help your daughter find out who she is.

The last eleven years of my life, I have been working on this exact thing. I hope my children see it and absorb it and know that I know myself, respect myself and try to better myself. I am learning to follow my dreams. I hope they do theirs.

7. Pick flowers with her. Put them in her hair. There is nothing more beautiful than a girl and a flower.

Did. Do. Done. Will continue to do so. I am a hippie, though.

8. Let her get messy. Get messy with her, no matter how much it makes you cringe inside. Splash in the puddles, throw snowballs, make mud pies, finger paint the walls: just let it happen. The most wonderful of memories are often the messy ones.

Cringe...within reason...sigh...

9. Give her good role models- you being one of them. Introduce her to successful woman- friends, co-workers, doctors, astronauts, or authors. Read to her about influential women- Eleanor Roosevelt, Rosa Parks, Marie Curie. Read her the words of inspirational women- Jane Austen, Sylvia Plath, Emily Dickinson. She should know that anything is possible.

I will try.

10. Show her affection. Daughters will mimic the compassion of their mother. “I love yous” and Eskimo kisses go a long way.

There is no lack of affection in our household. Hugs, kisses, I love yous. Sometimes I even wonder if I say it too much...or is there such a thing. I can't get enough of my children. Even though it is nice and peaceful to run to the grocery store alone...I still miss my kids, deep down, the whole time.

11. Hold her hand. Whether she is 3 years-old in the parking lot or sixteen years old in the mall, hold on to her always- this will teach her to be confident in herself and proud of her family.

I do. I will. She'll know.

12. Believe in her. It is the moments that she does not believe in herself that she will need you to believe enough for both of you. Whether it is a spelling test in the first grade, a big game or recital, a first date, or the first day of college…remind her of the independent and capable woman you have taught her to be.

Of course.

13. Tell her how beautiful she is. Whether it is her first day of Kindergarten, immediately after a soccer game where she is grass-stained and sweaty, or her wedding day. She needs your reminders. She needs your pride. She needs your reassurance. She is only human.

She is. As are all my children. Don't think anything could change this.

14. Love her father. Teach her to love a good man, like him. One who lets her be herself…she is after all wonderful.

I lucked out on this one. We have been together for eleven years and today happens to be our 5th wedding anniversary. I love you always and forever, Allen. Thanks for being so easy to love.

15. Make forts with boxes and blankets. Help her to find magic in the ordinary, to imagine, to create and to believe in fairy tales. Someday she will make her 5 by 5 dorm-room her home with magic touches and inspiration. And she will fall in love with a boy and believe him to be Prince Charming.

I do these things but could always improve and do them more often. There is nothing like a wonderful imagination!

16. Read to her. Read her Dr. Seuss and Eric Carle. But also remember the power of Sylvia Plath and Robert Frost. Show her the beauty of words on a page and let her see you enjoy them. Words can be simply written and simply spoken, yet can harvest so much meaning. Help her to find their meaning.

I read to my children all of the time but I could definitely work on what I read to them. It is just so easy to grab a simple book or two or three. Maybe I should reach for something more substantial.

17. Teach her how to love- with passion and kisses. Love her passionately. Love her father passionately and her siblings passionately. Express your love. Show her how to love with no restraint. Let her get her heart broken and try again. Let her cry, and gush, giggle and scream. She will love like you love or hate like you hate. So, choose love for both you and her.

Truer words there could not be.

18. Encourage her to dance and sing. Dance and sing with her- even if it sounds or looks horrible. Let her wiggle to nursery rhymes. Let her dance on her daddy's feet and spin in your arms. Then later, let her blast noise and headbang in her bedroom with her door shut if she wants. Or karaoke to Tom Petty in the living room if she would rather. Introduce her to the classics- like The Beatles- and listen to her latest favorite- like Taylor Swift. Share the magic of music together, it will bring you closer- or at least create a soundtrack to your life together.

Music comes easily in our home.

19. Share secrets together. Communicate. Talk. Talk about anything. Let her tell you about boys, friends, school. Listen. Ask questions. Share dreams, hopes, concerns. She is not only your daughter, you are not only her mother. Be her friend too.

I am as open with my children as humanly possible and age appropriately I can be. I remind them that I am here for them, often. I ask questions. I dig deeper than their one word answers. I care and they know it.

20. Teach her manners. Because sometimes you have to be her mother, not just her friend. The world is a happier place when made up of polite words and smiles.

I have been blessed with very well behaved and polite children. I know that people give me most of the credit, but my spouse, family, friends and even the children themselves deserve some, too. It is a group effort.

21. Teach her when to stand-up and when to walk away. Whether she has classmates who tease her because of her glasses, or a boyfriend who tells her she is too fat - let her know she does not have to listen. Make sure she knows how to demand respect - she is worthy of it. It does not mean she has to fight back with fists or words, because sometimes you say more with silence. Also make sure she knows which battles are worth fighting. Remind her that some people can be mean and nasty because of jealousy, or other personal reasons. Help her to understand when to shut her mouth and walk-away. Teach her to be the better person.

This is a constant effort as a parent. I have children ranging in age from fourteen years to nine months. These struggles come at every twist and turn and step of the way. Diligence. Persistence. Respect.

22. Let her choose who she loves. Even when you see through the charming boy she thinks he is, let her love him without your disapproving words; she will anyway. When he breaks her heart, be there for her with words of support rather than I told-you-so. Let her mess up again and again until she finds the one. And when she finds the one, tell her.

My mom did this for me, and I will pay it forward to my children. I would not have listened to disapproving words. I had to live and learn. I had to experience life. I had to grow and build character. Everyone should.

23. Mother her. Being a mother - to her - is undoubtedly one of your greatest accomplishments. Share with her the joys of motherhood, so one day she will want to be a mother too. Remind her over and over again with words and kisses that no one will ever love her like you love her. No one can replace or replicate a mother's love for their children.

If you get a chance to someday, ask my daughter how much I love her. She knows.

24. Comfort her. Because sometimes you just need your mommy. When she is sick, rub her back, make her soup and cover her in blankets - no matter how old she is. Someday, if she is giving birth to her own child, push her hair out of her face, encourage her, and tell her how beautiful she is. These are the moments she will remember you for. And someday when her husband rubs her back in attempt to comfort her...she may just whisper, "I need my mommy."

I do and I hope she always allows me to. That goes for all five of my precious children.

25. Be home. When she is sick with a cold or broken heart, she will come to you; welcome her. When she is engaged or pregnant, she will run to you to share her news; embrace her. When she is lost or confused, she will search for you; find her. When she needs advice on boys, schools, friends or an outfit; tell her. She is your daughter and will always need a safe harbor - where she can turn a key to see comforting eyes and a familiar smile; be home.

I am home.