Monday, January 28, 2013

What Does it Mean?

A tangerine dream. My oldest son asked me what it meant when I first started this blog. He thought it was a weird name. I know that it is and I am pretty sure that I made it up. It makes sense to me and I'm going to see if I can explain it right, here.

Picture a gorgeous orange tinged sunset. The breeze surrounding you smells of sweet honey suckle bushes on a warm summer night, washing over your whole body in gentle calming waves. Conditions are perfect. Although you feel completely content, you can't help but slip into an indulgent daydream. You know that your future is wide open and full of endless possibilities. The smallest twist or turn can send your fate off into another direction. You think of your wants, wishes and decisions. You dream of what could be and what you think might make you even happier. While staring out into the sky as it slowly darkens through shades of oranges and purples into blackness, you begin to see the stars more and more clearly. Anything is possible; you want more. All you have to do is reach for it. Make a decision and then reach for the stars.

I currently have, and have had, quite a few tangerine dreams. The world of possibilities has opened up and changed for me recently. Some of these dreams have been pushed farther away while others have come even closer to my finger tips. The first real dream I ever had for myself began when I was around ten or eleven years old. I knew for a fact that I wanted to grow up and be a rock star. No question. I was going to be a lead singer and rhythm guitar player for a kick ass band. I planned to move to Los Angeles right after high school in order to wait tables and attend Music Tech right off Skid Row. I knew it would be hard and a long shot at best but the world was mine for the taking. My parents were supportive and believed in me.

So, what happened, you ask? Well, January of my senior year, about a month after I turned eighteen, I fell for a guy. Pretty hard, I guess, considering we were together for seven years and had two children. At eighteen he quickly became my whole world; my life revolved around him, my axis. I was in too deep, too fast. There was no way I would move away from him and I gave up the idea of LA too quickly. I can not regret this decision because without it I would never have had my beautiful sons, Raul and Diego. I would not give them up for anything. I will dream of being that rock star until the day I die, though. It still haunts my mind and courses through my veins everyday. But it is no way to raise five children, for so many different reasons. It is no longer possible for me. Kay Sera Sera.

Back to reality, I have new dreams. I have wanted to write a childrens' book for a few years now. Ideas for topics have come and gone. An old acquaintance from high school recently found me on Facebook. I was looking through pictures of his artwork that he had posted and was immediately inspired to write it and have now finished my first draft. I made contact with him and he is interested in illustrating it for me. I am excited about this project but do not know how to proceed from here, just yet. I have some research to do.

I also had an idea for a girls clothing line about two years ago. I feel it is a rather unique one. So far it is just an idea and it would definitely take a lot of time to put into action. Time is not bountiful for me at the moment so this particular idea is on the back burner of my mind, for now. Yet another old friend from high school is an amazing seamstress and is interested in talking about this project when we can. Maybe it will come to fruition and maybe it won't. We will have to wait and see.

I have worked and supported myself since shortly after my sixteenth birthday. Now, at thirty five, I  quit my job to stay home with my children. I am enjoying not going to work everyday but there is a little part of me that wants to do something more. I do not have to go back to work but I know that I want to do something else, too. I have registered with the IRS to become a tax return preparer. Starting with the 2013 tax year I can do peoples' taxes from home. I can set my own hours and be my own boss. Ever since I had my first child I wished that I could work from home so that I could be with him/them more. This was never a possibility until now. I am looking forward to this new venture and am hoping for the very best. This is my new job and it's starting out nice and slow, which is perfect for me because I need to learn how to juggle the five kids, the household, and my marriage all while working from home, with and without clients present. I feel I am up for the task.

Becoming a tax preparer has brought thoughts of college into my busy brain again. I tried college before back in 2001 and in 2006. It did not work out for me then. I think during my two attempts I accumulated about twenty seven credits total, half of which are now too old to transfer to anything. I was going to be a Registered Nurse. Between working full time and the Nursing Program available to me, I would have had to give up too much time with my sons. I could not bring myself to give that time up and financial aid just wasn't cutting it for me. I did not return.

I just discovered that the University of Minnesota offers a four year undergraduate accounting degree completely online. This tempts me. It seems like the classes offered in this degree could benefit me as a Tax Professional, although it is not required by the IRS. None of my children are in college yet, I do not have to go to work and as a family of seven with only one real income, financial aid and scholarships would probably be better for me this time around. Many signs point to this being a good idea but then I wonder. For example, I have been working on this blog post for hours now. I have had to set down the computer so many times to go deal with one of the children and their many different needs. If I can't sit down to write this post easily enough, what in the hell makes me think I could ever finish a four year degree? I don't want to start up and fail again. I don't want to sacrifice time with my children if it will not be worth it in the end. Not to mention any debt I might accrue if I'm not going to graduate or earn enough money afterwards to make it worth my family's while. I would really like to be a college graduate but I have a lot more thinking, planning and deciding to do if this dream is to come true.

I have always been a dreamer. I think big. I know that I am very smart and could be or do almost anything; a doctor, a CPA, a lawyer, a business owner, the mayor. I could do anything. I had my first baby at twenty years of age and this changed my priorities. I still know that I could do any of these things but if I did, than I would have to give up pieces of the mother I am and that is too high a price, for me. I will do my best to find something that fulfills me professionaly while remaining the mother I wish to be. I think I am on the right track. But that glowing tangerine sunset is always going to catch my eye.

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