When I created this blog over a year ago, I knew it was going to be all about me, my life and my family. An online diary in order to be creative and share my thoughts, ideas and experiences from my own life so others can relate to and understand me a little bit better; what is it like to be a mother, wife, daughter, friend and so much more. Learning from life as I go, making mistakes, trying new things, always with the intention of evolving and continuing to strive to be a better mother and so on. We all wear many different hats in our lifetimes and I feel I have good examples to share in relation to that. Mostly, my readers have just been close family and friends, maybe a handful of strangers. I don't expect people to read my posts but I will admit, I am tickled pink when they do. My most recent post, earlier this week, has brought on an unintended and overwhelming response. In the last 48 hours I have received over 1700 hits, that's nearly as many as I have had during the previous 15 months combined. I also discovered I was mentioned by name and part of my post was cited on the Minnesota Public Radio website. I am quite emotional about this. I am feeling both flattered and somber.
I have grown to love writing. At first I did not think I would be very good at it but have enjoyed the challenge. It has given me a much needed release and can be quite therapeutic. I don't get much me time, down time or quiet time nowadays, as a mother of five children. Writing is my "me time." The other day I was feeling saddened and pensive. I decided to write about how I was feeling and what I was thinking; my way of coping with and trying to understand a troubling event that was on my mind. I felt that I could relate in my own way while possibly giving my small group of readers another point of view, as the public and the media seemed very one sided and judgmental on the issue. Apparently, I struck a nerve. My handful of readers felt the need to share my thoughts and it spread like wild fire from there. I am flattered that my readers felt that my written words were worthy of sharing with others but I also have a tinge of guilt that it had to come on the heels of such a tragedy. The comments have been mostly positive and I have been moved to tears more than once this week. I have received many thank yous from complete strangers. They say I am brave and honest, eloquent and compassionate. Someone asked me if I realized that I gave the subjects of my writing a voice. Until they asked me that, I had not. I guess that's what writers do, give someone or something a voice. Live and learn.
Now, I have been contacted by the media. They want to know if I would be willing to do an on camera interview. After reading my blog, they are supposedly interested in my perspective as a mother and a blogger. They say that my point of view has not been fairly represented by the media in the past and that my recent blog post was a refreshing change from the norm. I am feeling very hesitant. I know how words can get twisted and sentences can be cut short in order to manipulate a story. I do not want to be their puppet. I also know that I am angered by all of the snap judgements circulating out there, the speculations and the hatred. I have tentatively agreed to meet with the reporter tomorrow, Friday, but on my own terms. I would only speak of myself and my own experiences. I do not wish to show my face; I am not looking to acquire fame or notoriety at the expense of anyone else's pain. I will not disrespect the many families over the years who have chosen to remain silent on their own issues. I will respect their choice. Were I to be in their shoes, I would want to be left alone, in order to grieve, to heal and to move on. They deserve peace.
If the reporter does call me tomorrow and I feel like allowing him into my home, my intention is to make sure the interview remains about me, my experiences with depression, my ups and downs as a mother and why I blog, how I process. I am fairly confident I can keep on point and not be coerced into saying things I do not want to or do not mean. They have promised to only show my hands typing at my computer with just my voice. I would love some feed back from my readers on this, preferably before 9:00 AM, roughly 12 hours from now. Ultimately, I will decide for myself but I am opening myself up to comments, thoughts and suggestions from all of you. How do you feel about me being interviewed? Do you trust me? Do you care? Things like that.
Going forward, I will continue to write from my heart. I will continue to write for myself. I will continue to share my writings with others, it's up to them if they want to read it. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to those of you that do.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Desperations of a Wounded Mother
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| Image from: http://lovejays.com/2013/10/08/struggling-with-depression/ |
I have been compelled to write this post. I will be as respectful as possible and am not looking to be a martyr. I just have feelings, thoughts and insights that I would like to share, based on a recent local news event. Specifically, an old high school class mate that has allegedly committed murder-suicide on herself and two young children, ages six and seven. The medical examiners are still wrapping things up, so there is still the tiniest bit of hope that the toxicology reports could refute these preliminary findings, but I will admit, my hopes are not high. This is quite tragic and has sent my mind spinning. I am saddened.
Let me begin by admitting I was not close with Stephanie Miskowiec Shields, or as I knew her, Steph. We were only acquaintances in high school and graduated together in the Class of '96. Our graduating class was nearly 600 and knowing everyone was rather impossible. I do remember her though, but have not seen her since. What I do remember is that she was a sweet girl, kind of quiet and petite. She had beautiful eyes that twinkled when she smiled and when she wore her hair up and pulled back from her face she was quite beautiful. She was friendly to me, although we just had the kind of relationship where you say "Hi, how are you?" in the hall at passing time and move on with your day. We had very few classes together, as our interests were very different: she loved Cross-Country anything and my world revolved around music and theatre. At 35 years old, looking back, this whole situation blows my mind. How could life have become so sad for Steph that this was the only way she felt she could cope? I am not expecting to ever be able to answer this question definitively.
There have been many murder-suicides at the hand of the mother over the last many years; Lashanda Armstrong, Susan Smith, Andrea Yates, Melanie Reyes and Mayra Perez, just to name a few. Most of us can not fathom what could possibly bring a mother to the edge so severely. In my mind I say that there is no way in the spectrum of the world that anything would ever make me take the lives of my children, no matter what. Now that Steph is gone and I can sort of say I knew someone who did this horrific thing, is it really fair of me to conclude my thoughts so absolute? Now, I can not bring myself to judge Steph as harshly as I have knee-jerk judged the other mothers in history who have done the same terrible thing. My mind had just been opened, not necessarily for the better.
In the last 35 years I have had my fair share of trials and tribulations. I have had my private desperate moments where I contemplated if it would just be better for everyone involved and easier on myself to give up, doubting my abilities, strengths and will, both before I had children and after. I have rarely spoken of these moments to anyone before because it is embarrassing and a little shameful when I admit weakness, but after watching the tornado of comments flying around on facebook, and the like, I feel strong enough to admit it, this is my way of respecting the memory of Stephanie. I am sure many of you out there have had a mental slip up or two and considered the possibilities. All alone, crying for hours, mind spinning out of control, maybe sitting curled up on the bathroom floor, afraid to move, just in case. Then again, maybe not. I will say that the thought of taking my childrens' lives has truly never once crossed my mind. Never. They are my world, my reason to live and walk upon this Earth. I believe I was put here for them, I was made to be their mother.
That being said, I know we are all made differently. I was able to push through my moments of despair. I have a very strong and supportive family. If anything were to ever happen to me, either self inflicted or not, my children would be taken care of. I also know that there are many factors to consider, when you are thinking about the possibility of not being around for your children anymore: who could afford to raise them properly, who would be willing to bear that burden for me, who would be able to show them unconditional love forever, would the children be able to mentally handle me not being here anymore and/or get the counseling and support they would desperately need to move on and grow into healthy and fulfilled individuals, the list of questions goes on and on. My only conclusion is that Steph possibly had no answers for these questions and made a sad decision. She must have truly felt, in that specific moment of turmoil, that she had absolutely no other choice. Right or wrong, feelings are real and can be poisonous and painful and sometimes, unbearable.
I can sit here and say that I would never ever do the same thing until I am blue in the face and I am fairly certain that this is truthful, but I also know that I never exactly walked a day in her shoes, I may have never felt as down and out as she must have felt. I have a different family and different friends. Our mental genetics are not the same. I can say from experience that I know full well what it is like to keep deep dark secrets. Last night while I was sad and thinking of Steph I peeked at her facebook profile. The pictures are numerous and they all appear so cheerful. Many photos of her and her two gorgeous children, all smiles on bright sunny days, doing family things together out on the boat and in a marathon of some sort. The appearance of fun and as if nothing could possibly be wrong. I have been there. I have presented myself as a happy and content person to the world in my past in order to hide what was truly going on at home and in my life, behind closed doors. I felt I was strong enough to get past it, I was woman enough to remain stoic and keep getting up everyday for my childrens' sake, I would stay in my situation forever just for their happiness. I did not last forever and ten years ago I had to make some serious life changes. This was by no means easy and I had one of my dark periods where I spent most nights after the children were asleep, sobbing uncontrollably, contemplating solutions...some darker than others. Somehow, someway, I made it through; Stephanie, and many many others did/do not.
I am sorry. Sorry for Steph and all the other mothers who caved in to their darkness, sorry for the families who will never know why, sorry for the public and all of their speculations, sorry for the husbands, estranged or not, this would/will be terribly difficult to get past. But, mostly, today, I am sorry for those two sweet ginger babies that have been taken so abruptly from their community, with no say whatsoever. My heart bleeds for them. The mothers probably couldn't think ahead to the mess they would leave, their brains being so distraught and overflowing with sadness. As mothers, they wouldn't have wanted for their children to be remembered this way. An irreversible mistake. I feel extreme empathy and my heart hurts. I will hug my children a little bit harder this evening. Hug yours for me, too.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Being a Stay at Home Mom =
Homemade chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, any day of the week, even as late as 10 AM.
Not getting dressed until right before dinner time, or maybe not even at all.
Being at the beck and call of the children all day, every day.
Making delicious and complicated dinners on weeknights.
Being the sole parent to get up in the middle of the night when the children need someone.
Spending almost no money on make up, accessories or any other fun beautification items.
Buying clothes I love instead of clothes that must be work appropriate and practical.
Being able to make appointments in the home or outside of the home for any time of the day.
Going to fun places with the children, like the zoo, when it is not busy at all.
Conceding to the social networking sites because it is the only source of contact with the outside world, the family, my friends and grown ups in general that I may get in a long, long while.
Unlimited access to amazing and priceless hugs and kisses from the adorable little people in my world.
Finding a fulfilling career I can do from home while still being able to stay with the children.
Feeling at peace and yet surrounded by chaos simultaneously.
Having no bedtime whatsoever.
Forgeting what day of the week it is.
Living off of coffee as my main food group.
Realizing at 3:00 in the afternoon that I feel sick to my stomach because I forgot to feed myself.
Not bringing home a steady pay check.
Giving up on some goals and dreams while discovering a few new ones.
Not missing a milestone; being there for every bump or bruise, new or lost tooth, rolling over, sitting up and so much more.
Being both the good cop and the bad cop, 24/7.
Being home when the kids get home from school...well, just being home all the time.
Missing work while constantly working.
Not missing work.
Exhaustion.
True happiness, pure and simple.
Not getting dressed until right before dinner time, or maybe not even at all.
Being at the beck and call of the children all day, every day.
Making delicious and complicated dinners on weeknights.
Being the sole parent to get up in the middle of the night when the children need someone.
Spending almost no money on make up, accessories or any other fun beautification items.
Buying clothes I love instead of clothes that must be work appropriate and practical.
Being able to make appointments in the home or outside of the home for any time of the day.
Going to fun places with the children, like the zoo, when it is not busy at all.
Conceding to the social networking sites because it is the only source of contact with the outside world, the family, my friends and grown ups in general that I may get in a long, long while.
Unlimited access to amazing and priceless hugs and kisses from the adorable little people in my world.
Finding a fulfilling career I can do from home while still being able to stay with the children.
Feeling at peace and yet surrounded by chaos simultaneously.
Having no bedtime whatsoever.
Forgeting what day of the week it is.
Living off of coffee as my main food group.
Realizing at 3:00 in the afternoon that I feel sick to my stomach because I forgot to feed myself.
Not bringing home a steady pay check.
Giving up on some goals and dreams while discovering a few new ones.
Not missing a milestone; being there for every bump or bruise, new or lost tooth, rolling over, sitting up and so much more.
Being both the good cop and the bad cop, 24/7.
Being home when the kids get home from school...well, just being home all the time.
Missing work while constantly working.
Not missing work.
Exhaustion.
True happiness, pure and simple.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Slowly But Surely
If I had it my way, I would be able to blog or write at least once each week. In an even more perfect world, multiple times. It feels good. I am one of those moms whose brain is almost constantly going a million miles a minute; I am sure many of you can relate. I find the purge to be quite therapeutic. I feel a sense of relief, release, accomplishment and contentment when I finish a post or a project of any sort. By "project" I mean more than just my writing. I can be a sort of "busy body". The babies are five and a half months old now. Since early in my pregnancy with them, around a year ago, my "projects" mostly fell by the wayside. I have not been able to do as much, volunteer as much and generally had to say no to or be advised not to do many "projects." I hate it. I haven't felt like myself and am ready to begin my journey back to real life.
My twelve year old son is in seventh grade and has landed a small part in the school play. I am so happy for him. He is so creative and acting is one of his many artistic talents. I also participated in as many school plays as possible during my younger days. This is not only going to be good for him, but for me as well. I like to help out at the schools. Fundraisers, on the other hand, I sort of hate. I understand the need for them but there are just so many, it gets old and money is not something I usually have a lot of. Time, I have had in the past, and that is how I chose to support the schools. Not being able to volunteer as much over the last year has been hard and I am ready to slowly begin again. I signed up to take a leadership role for the school play props. I think I am the only parent who asked to lead props, so I am fairly certain that they will pick me. I did explain to the director that I now have five children, I really do want to help with this, but I will need plenty of time and notice of what is needed for props. I did this same project for them once before and they only gave me two weeks notice total. That scenario would not work for me this time. I have learned since then that I should not be afraid to speak up and express my needs and concerns. My time is precious. I am willing to give it but I need to make sure that they are getting the best out of me in order to make the time worth spending and that I will make my children proud and know that they can count on me.
One of my brothers and his wife are having a baby in April. This will be their second child, first girl. I offered to throw her a baby shower and am quite happy to announce that she has accepted. She did have hesitations at first, though. She was worried that it would be too much for me because I obviously have my hands very full right now. I am grateful that she worried about me but at the same time it is really not necessary. Many people in my world do not know, nor can they fathom, what it is like to be me right now. I have five kids. It seems like a bigger deal than it truly is. This is my life now and I just have to keep going, one step at a time. There is no hiding from this. In order to stay sane, the best thing that I can do for myself is to get back into the game at my own pace. I'm getting better at it everyday. I am feeling more and more like my old self. Throwing this shower is going to be good for me too, and I told her so. I actually thanked her for allowing me to do it. I love to plan, host, decorate and help out. I did not have sisters when I was growing up and being able to do something like this for my Sister-in-Law means a lot to me. I also love being an Aunt and helping to celebrate the coming birth of another niece is so very special. It is the least that I can do. Not to mention, it is fun for me. Really fun. She might be helping me more than I am helping her, honestly. And lets not forget about the joys of being able to get out and socialize with adults, woo hoo. One more baby step forward, pun intended!
There are a couple other opportunities that I am considering, but I have to be choosy with my time. I need to make sure that the things I sign up to do are worthwhile on many different levels: the cause, the time away from home and/or the children, the need, the ability to involve others I would like to spend time with, could it help to cover the costs of possibly enriching activities for my children, etc. For example, the local athletic association is seeking a new concessions director volunteer. This tempts me but I have many questions for them that I am currently working on. I have never done this exact project before and do not have an experience to compare it to. So far, it seems like it might be a little too much for me at the moment, but I want to be 100% sure before I say yes or no. I know that I am completely capable of this position based on the job description; it is right up my alley of organizational talents. My issue is probably going to be more of a time restraint thing. Although, the cost of one son to play baseball this season is $160. If he were able to play for free or even at a discounted rate, it just might be worth it. We will see.
I am starting out small again...or smallish. I do hope to be able to help with the bigger projects again, as time goes on. When my older boys were younger, I started out by helping with classroom parties, counting box tops, donating food for the school's Staff Appreciation days and reading to the classrooms here and there. Over the years, I slowly worked my way up to the bigger opportunities like being the Craft Lady at week long summer camp, directing the elementary school play, Pinocchio, with 30 3rd through 5th graders, running the Scholastic Book Fair at the Middle School and even coaching 2 Destination Imagination teams for competition last Spring. These tasks fulfilled me and gave me blessed opportunities to spend more quality time with my boys. I want to get back into this. It will take some time but seeing as I have even more children now, I know plenty of situations will present themselves. Working from home by the end of this year will set me up for success in this area of my life, as well as others. (And volunteering is way more fun than doing the dishes...which is what I really should be doing right now...Sigh ;-)
My twelve year old son is in seventh grade and has landed a small part in the school play. I am so happy for him. He is so creative and acting is one of his many artistic talents. I also participated in as many school plays as possible during my younger days. This is not only going to be good for him, but for me as well. I like to help out at the schools. Fundraisers, on the other hand, I sort of hate. I understand the need for them but there are just so many, it gets old and money is not something I usually have a lot of. Time, I have had in the past, and that is how I chose to support the schools. Not being able to volunteer as much over the last year has been hard and I am ready to slowly begin again. I signed up to take a leadership role for the school play props. I think I am the only parent who asked to lead props, so I am fairly certain that they will pick me. I did explain to the director that I now have five children, I really do want to help with this, but I will need plenty of time and notice of what is needed for props. I did this same project for them once before and they only gave me two weeks notice total. That scenario would not work for me this time. I have learned since then that I should not be afraid to speak up and express my needs and concerns. My time is precious. I am willing to give it but I need to make sure that they are getting the best out of me in order to make the time worth spending and that I will make my children proud and know that they can count on me.
One of my brothers and his wife are having a baby in April. This will be their second child, first girl. I offered to throw her a baby shower and am quite happy to announce that she has accepted. She did have hesitations at first, though. She was worried that it would be too much for me because I obviously have my hands very full right now. I am grateful that she worried about me but at the same time it is really not necessary. Many people in my world do not know, nor can they fathom, what it is like to be me right now. I have five kids. It seems like a bigger deal than it truly is. This is my life now and I just have to keep going, one step at a time. There is no hiding from this. In order to stay sane, the best thing that I can do for myself is to get back into the game at my own pace. I'm getting better at it everyday. I am feeling more and more like my old self. Throwing this shower is going to be good for me too, and I told her so. I actually thanked her for allowing me to do it. I love to plan, host, decorate and help out. I did not have sisters when I was growing up and being able to do something like this for my Sister-in-Law means a lot to me. I also love being an Aunt and helping to celebrate the coming birth of another niece is so very special. It is the least that I can do. Not to mention, it is fun for me. Really fun. She might be helping me more than I am helping her, honestly. And lets not forget about the joys of being able to get out and socialize with adults, woo hoo. One more baby step forward, pun intended!
There are a couple other opportunities that I am considering, but I have to be choosy with my time. I need to make sure that the things I sign up to do are worthwhile on many different levels: the cause, the time away from home and/or the children, the need, the ability to involve others I would like to spend time with, could it help to cover the costs of possibly enriching activities for my children, etc. For example, the local athletic association is seeking a new concessions director volunteer. This tempts me but I have many questions for them that I am currently working on. I have never done this exact project before and do not have an experience to compare it to. So far, it seems like it might be a little too much for me at the moment, but I want to be 100% sure before I say yes or no. I know that I am completely capable of this position based on the job description; it is right up my alley of organizational talents. My issue is probably going to be more of a time restraint thing. Although, the cost of one son to play baseball this season is $160. If he were able to play for free or even at a discounted rate, it just might be worth it. We will see.
I am starting out small again...or smallish. I do hope to be able to help with the bigger projects again, as time goes on. When my older boys were younger, I started out by helping with classroom parties, counting box tops, donating food for the school's Staff Appreciation days and reading to the classrooms here and there. Over the years, I slowly worked my way up to the bigger opportunities like being the Craft Lady at week long summer camp, directing the elementary school play, Pinocchio, with 30 3rd through 5th graders, running the Scholastic Book Fair at the Middle School and even coaching 2 Destination Imagination teams for competition last Spring. These tasks fulfilled me and gave me blessed opportunities to spend more quality time with my boys. I want to get back into this. It will take some time but seeing as I have even more children now, I know plenty of situations will present themselves. Working from home by the end of this year will set me up for success in this area of my life, as well as others. (And volunteering is way more fun than doing the dishes...which is what I really should be doing right now...Sigh ;-)
Monday, January 28, 2013
What Does it Mean?
A tangerine dream. My oldest son asked me what it meant when I first started this blog. He thought it was a weird name. I know that it is and I am pretty sure that I made it up. It makes sense to me and I'm going to see if I can explain it right, here.
Picture a gorgeous orange tinged sunset. The breeze surrounding you smells of sweet honey suckle bushes on a warm summer night, washing over your whole body in gentle calming waves. Conditions are perfect. Although you feel completely content, you can't help but slip into an indulgent daydream. You know that your future is wide open and full of endless possibilities. The smallest twist or turn can send your fate off into another direction. You think of your wants, wishes and decisions. You dream of what could be and what you think might make you even happier. While staring out into the sky as it slowly darkens through shades of oranges and purples into blackness, you begin to see the stars more and more clearly. Anything is possible; you want more. All you have to do is reach for it. Make a decision and then reach for the stars.
I currently have, and have had, quite a few tangerine dreams. The world of possibilities has opened up and changed for me recently. Some of these dreams have been pushed farther away while others have come even closer to my finger tips. The first real dream I ever had for myself began when I was around ten or eleven years old. I knew for a fact that I wanted to grow up and be a rock star. No question. I was going to be a lead singer and rhythm guitar player for a kick ass band. I planned to move to Los Angeles right after high school in order to wait tables and attend Music Tech right off Skid Row. I knew it would be hard and a long shot at best but the world was mine for the taking. My parents were supportive and believed in me.
So, what happened, you ask? Well, January of my senior year, about a month after I turned eighteen, I fell for a guy. Pretty hard, I guess, considering we were together for seven years and had two children. At eighteen he quickly became my whole world; my life revolved around him, my axis. I was in too deep, too fast. There was no way I would move away from him and I gave up the idea of LA too quickly. I can not regret this decision because without it I would never have had my beautiful sons, Raul and Diego. I would not give them up for anything. I will dream of being that rock star until the day I die, though. It still haunts my mind and courses through my veins everyday. But it is no way to raise five children, for so many different reasons. It is no longer possible for me. Kay Sera Sera.
Back to reality, I have new dreams. I have wanted to write a childrens' book for a few years now. Ideas for topics have come and gone. An old acquaintance from high school recently found me on Facebook. I was looking through pictures of his artwork that he had posted and was immediately inspired to write it and have now finished my first draft. I made contact with him and he is interested in illustrating it for me. I am excited about this project but do not know how to proceed from here, just yet. I have some research to do.
I also had an idea for a girls clothing line about two years ago. I feel it is a rather unique one. So far it is just an idea and it would definitely take a lot of time to put into action. Time is not bountiful for me at the moment so this particular idea is on the back burner of my mind, for now. Yet another old friend from high school is an amazing seamstress and is interested in talking about this project when we can. Maybe it will come to fruition and maybe it won't. We will have to wait and see.
I have worked and supported myself since shortly after my sixteenth birthday. Now, at thirty five, I quit my job to stay home with my children. I am enjoying not going to work everyday but there is a little part of me that wants to do something more. I do not have to go back to work but I know that I want to do something else, too. I have registered with the IRS to become a tax return preparer. Starting with the 2013 tax year I can do peoples' taxes from home. I can set my own hours and be my own boss. Ever since I had my first child I wished that I could work from home so that I could be with him/them more. This was never a possibility until now. I am looking forward to this new venture and am hoping for the very best. This is my new job and it's starting out nice and slow, which is perfect for me because I need to learn how to juggle the five kids, the household, and my marriage all while working from home, with and without clients present. I feel I am up for the task.
Becoming a tax preparer has brought thoughts of college into my busy brain again. I tried college before back in 2001 and in 2006. It did not work out for me then. I think during my two attempts I accumulated about twenty seven credits total, half of which are now too old to transfer to anything. I was going to be a Registered Nurse. Between working full time and the Nursing Program available to me, I would have had to give up too much time with my sons. I could not bring myself to give that time up and financial aid just wasn't cutting it for me. I did not return.
I just discovered that the University of Minnesota offers a four year undergraduate accounting degree completely online. This tempts me. It seems like the classes offered in this degree could benefit me as a Tax Professional, although it is not required by the IRS. None of my children are in college yet, I do not have to go to work and as a family of seven with only one real income, financial aid and scholarships would probably be better for me this time around. Many signs point to this being a good idea but then I wonder. For example, I have been working on this blog post for hours now. I have had to set down the computer so many times to go deal with one of the children and their many different needs. If I can't sit down to write this post easily enough, what in the hell makes me think I could ever finish a four year degree? I don't want to start up and fail again. I don't want to sacrifice time with my children if it will not be worth it in the end. Not to mention any debt I might accrue if I'm not going to graduate or earn enough money afterwards to make it worth my family's while. I would really like to be a college graduate but I have a lot more thinking, planning and deciding to do if this dream is to come true.
I have always been a dreamer. I think big. I know that I am very smart and could be or do almost anything; a doctor, a CPA, a lawyer, a business owner, the mayor. I could do anything. I had my first baby at twenty years of age and this changed my priorities. I still know that I could do any of these things but if I did, than I would have to give up pieces of the mother I am and that is too high a price, for me. I will do my best to find something that fulfills me professionaly while remaining the mother I wish to be. I think I am on the right track. But that glowing tangerine sunset is always going to catch my eye.
Picture a gorgeous orange tinged sunset. The breeze surrounding you smells of sweet honey suckle bushes on a warm summer night, washing over your whole body in gentle calming waves. Conditions are perfect. Although you feel completely content, you can't help but slip into an indulgent daydream. You know that your future is wide open and full of endless possibilities. The smallest twist or turn can send your fate off into another direction. You think of your wants, wishes and decisions. You dream of what could be and what you think might make you even happier. While staring out into the sky as it slowly darkens through shades of oranges and purples into blackness, you begin to see the stars more and more clearly. Anything is possible; you want more. All you have to do is reach for it. Make a decision and then reach for the stars.
I currently have, and have had, quite a few tangerine dreams. The world of possibilities has opened up and changed for me recently. Some of these dreams have been pushed farther away while others have come even closer to my finger tips. The first real dream I ever had for myself began when I was around ten or eleven years old. I knew for a fact that I wanted to grow up and be a rock star. No question. I was going to be a lead singer and rhythm guitar player for a kick ass band. I planned to move to Los Angeles right after high school in order to wait tables and attend Music Tech right off Skid Row. I knew it would be hard and a long shot at best but the world was mine for the taking. My parents were supportive and believed in me.
So, what happened, you ask? Well, January of my senior year, about a month after I turned eighteen, I fell for a guy. Pretty hard, I guess, considering we were together for seven years and had two children. At eighteen he quickly became my whole world; my life revolved around him, my axis. I was in too deep, too fast. There was no way I would move away from him and I gave up the idea of LA too quickly. I can not regret this decision because without it I would never have had my beautiful sons, Raul and Diego. I would not give them up for anything. I will dream of being that rock star until the day I die, though. It still haunts my mind and courses through my veins everyday. But it is no way to raise five children, for so many different reasons. It is no longer possible for me. Kay Sera Sera.
Back to reality, I have new dreams. I have wanted to write a childrens' book for a few years now. Ideas for topics have come and gone. An old acquaintance from high school recently found me on Facebook. I was looking through pictures of his artwork that he had posted and was immediately inspired to write it and have now finished my first draft. I made contact with him and he is interested in illustrating it for me. I am excited about this project but do not know how to proceed from here, just yet. I have some research to do.
I also had an idea for a girls clothing line about two years ago. I feel it is a rather unique one. So far it is just an idea and it would definitely take a lot of time to put into action. Time is not bountiful for me at the moment so this particular idea is on the back burner of my mind, for now. Yet another old friend from high school is an amazing seamstress and is interested in talking about this project when we can. Maybe it will come to fruition and maybe it won't. We will have to wait and see.
I have worked and supported myself since shortly after my sixteenth birthday. Now, at thirty five, I quit my job to stay home with my children. I am enjoying not going to work everyday but there is a little part of me that wants to do something more. I do not have to go back to work but I know that I want to do something else, too. I have registered with the IRS to become a tax return preparer. Starting with the 2013 tax year I can do peoples' taxes from home. I can set my own hours and be my own boss. Ever since I had my first child I wished that I could work from home so that I could be with him/them more. This was never a possibility until now. I am looking forward to this new venture and am hoping for the very best. This is my new job and it's starting out nice and slow, which is perfect for me because I need to learn how to juggle the five kids, the household, and my marriage all while working from home, with and without clients present. I feel I am up for the task.
Becoming a tax preparer has brought thoughts of college into my busy brain again. I tried college before back in 2001 and in 2006. It did not work out for me then. I think during my two attempts I accumulated about twenty seven credits total, half of which are now too old to transfer to anything. I was going to be a Registered Nurse. Between working full time and the Nursing Program available to me, I would have had to give up too much time with my sons. I could not bring myself to give that time up and financial aid just wasn't cutting it for me. I did not return.
I just discovered that the University of Minnesota offers a four year undergraduate accounting degree completely online. This tempts me. It seems like the classes offered in this degree could benefit me as a Tax Professional, although it is not required by the IRS. None of my children are in college yet, I do not have to go to work and as a family of seven with only one real income, financial aid and scholarships would probably be better for me this time around. Many signs point to this being a good idea but then I wonder. For example, I have been working on this blog post for hours now. I have had to set down the computer so many times to go deal with one of the children and their many different needs. If I can't sit down to write this post easily enough, what in the hell makes me think I could ever finish a four year degree? I don't want to start up and fail again. I don't want to sacrifice time with my children if it will not be worth it in the end. Not to mention any debt I might accrue if I'm not going to graduate or earn enough money afterwards to make it worth my family's while. I would really like to be a college graduate but I have a lot more thinking, planning and deciding to do if this dream is to come true.
I have always been a dreamer. I think big. I know that I am very smart and could be or do almost anything; a doctor, a CPA, a lawyer, a business owner, the mayor. I could do anything. I had my first baby at twenty years of age and this changed my priorities. I still know that I could do any of these things but if I did, than I would have to give up pieces of the mother I am and that is too high a price, for me. I will do my best to find something that fulfills me professionaly while remaining the mother I wish to be. I think I am on the right track. But that glowing tangerine sunset is always going to catch my eye.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Big Daddy...Tribute
In preparation for the one year anniversary of my blog coming up, I went back and perused my previous posts. In doing so, I have come across a situation I would like to remedy. My blog is (mostly) about me and my journey as a mother and the other many hats I may wear at times. It is also about why I am the way that I am; where I have come from and where I wish I could be. This is exactly what I wanted the blog to be about but there is one very important person from my life that has not been represented because he is not a mother. So, Daddy, this one's for you.
When you are a little girl, your father is one of the biggest pieces of your world. He is magical and awesome. He is the smartest person you know. When you are with him you feel safe and protected, loved and adored. The hugs he gives are unmatched by anyone else. No one can mess with you as long as you have your Daddy; he can make all of your pains go away with just one kiss. He is your first true love and you will spend the rest of your life comparing the men you meet to him. Those can be some pretty big shoes to fill.
Unconditional love. This my father has taught me. As a parent, this is an important quality. When I was a teenager I began to withdraw a bit from my father. I know this is pretty typical teenage girl stuff and I can't tell you when exactly this began to happen. We both made some mistakes with each other but there was never ever a doubt in my mind that he loved me anyway, and I him. At that age there is usually going to be a butting of heads, I know. The reasons are unimportant. The important part was the unconditional love that we have for each other and being able to meet again on the other side. He was there for me.
A true believer. My biggest fan. My father is a very talented guitar player. His passion for music and his abilities were, thankfully, passed on to my brothers and myself. He supported me in my efforts with music. He gave me my first (and second and third) guitar, drove me to lessons, came to every concert and show. He had part of our garage converted into a music room for us and equipped it with all we could need. I was the first girl in my high school to be in her own rock band and this could not have been possible without him. He was there for us every step of the way. He even went out and helped us get t-shirts made up. He was a cool Dad to have.
My Dad is a trooper. He would do anything for me. I remember a time when I was in high school that he did me a favor I will never forget. It was shortly after he and my Mom had separated. I wanted my hair dyed and figured I would have to wait until I could get over to Mom's apartment. He offered to dye it for me. Now, I have a ton of hair and it can be quite a task, but he was totally willing. The best part about this story is that my Dad is not a small man and the gloves that come with the hair dye are definitely not made for hands like his. The gloves did not take their time to rip open but he just kept on going. My hair turned out beautiful and his poor hands were stained for a while. What a great Dad to do that for his only daughter. Another moment that I will never forget is from him at my wedding. He walked me down the isle, precious, and later played the guitar until his fingers bled. True devotion.
What is in a name? In my opinion, honor. All five of my children have a family name as one of their names, first or middle, and then their other name is one I just liked and found unique. One of my new twin babies received the middle name, James, in honor of my father. My father does not actually use this name for reasons which are his own and not my story to tell. I will say that his reasons are valid and I respect them. I asked his permission to use this name and am very glad he allowed me to. Now I have "E" James, and here is why...
My father is a good man. He is a wonderful father and has twelve, almost thirteen, adoring grandchildren. One of my brothers was named after my father, David. My brother passed this name onto his first born son as his middle name. So, in actuality, passing on "James" may not have been entirely necessary but it was still very important to me. Growing up I always felt like this name was almost a taboo. I feel my father deserves better than that. These grandchildren are part of his legacy and the future of this family. The future is ours to mold and I thought it time to turn this name into a positive. My son E will wear it with pride, as was the way I gave it to him.
My father is a big part of who I am even though he is not a "mother". He is one of the many influences I have had in my life. Without our relationship, I would not have turned out the same, and I kinda like how I turned out so far. Ha! We have had our ups and our downs but in the end I would not change a thing. These are all pieces of the puzzle that is me. I will parent my children using our past and our present as examples. I hope to offer my children the same level of devotion and unconditional love that my father bestowed upon me. I hope to support them through all of their endeavors and remain their biggest fan. Thanks for being there for me always, Daddy. I love you always and forever.
When you are a little girl, your father is one of the biggest pieces of your world. He is magical and awesome. He is the smartest person you know. When you are with him you feel safe and protected, loved and adored. The hugs he gives are unmatched by anyone else. No one can mess with you as long as you have your Daddy; he can make all of your pains go away with just one kiss. He is your first true love and you will spend the rest of your life comparing the men you meet to him. Those can be some pretty big shoes to fill.
Unconditional love. This my father has taught me. As a parent, this is an important quality. When I was a teenager I began to withdraw a bit from my father. I know this is pretty typical teenage girl stuff and I can't tell you when exactly this began to happen. We both made some mistakes with each other but there was never ever a doubt in my mind that he loved me anyway, and I him. At that age there is usually going to be a butting of heads, I know. The reasons are unimportant. The important part was the unconditional love that we have for each other and being able to meet again on the other side. He was there for me.
A true believer. My biggest fan. My father is a very talented guitar player. His passion for music and his abilities were, thankfully, passed on to my brothers and myself. He supported me in my efforts with music. He gave me my first (and second and third) guitar, drove me to lessons, came to every concert and show. He had part of our garage converted into a music room for us and equipped it with all we could need. I was the first girl in my high school to be in her own rock band and this could not have been possible without him. He was there for us every step of the way. He even went out and helped us get t-shirts made up. He was a cool Dad to have.
 |
| Daddy |
My Dad is a trooper. He would do anything for me. I remember a time when I was in high school that he did me a favor I will never forget. It was shortly after he and my Mom had separated. I wanted my hair dyed and figured I would have to wait until I could get over to Mom's apartment. He offered to dye it for me. Now, I have a ton of hair and it can be quite a task, but he was totally willing. The best part about this story is that my Dad is not a small man and the gloves that come with the hair dye are definitely not made for hands like his. The gloves did not take their time to rip open but he just kept on going. My hair turned out beautiful and his poor hands were stained for a while. What a great Dad to do that for his only daughter. Another moment that I will never forget is from him at my wedding. He walked me down the isle, precious, and later played the guitar until his fingers bled. True devotion.
 |
| Devotion in Action |
What is in a name? In my opinion, honor. All five of my children have a family name as one of their names, first or middle, and then their other name is one I just liked and found unique. One of my new twin babies received the middle name, James, in honor of my father. My father does not actually use this name for reasons which are his own and not my story to tell. I will say that his reasons are valid and I respect them. I asked his permission to use this name and am very glad he allowed me to. Now I have "E" James, and here is why...
My father is a good man. He is a wonderful father and has twelve, almost thirteen, adoring grandchildren. One of my brothers was named after my father, David. My brother passed this name onto his first born son as his middle name. So, in actuality, passing on "James" may not have been entirely necessary but it was still very important to me. Growing up I always felt like this name was almost a taboo. I feel my father deserves better than that. These grandchildren are part of his legacy and the future of this family. The future is ours to mold and I thought it time to turn this name into a positive. My son E will wear it with pride, as was the way I gave it to him.
My father is a big part of who I am even though he is not a "mother". He is one of the many influences I have had in my life. Without our relationship, I would not have turned out the same, and I kinda like how I turned out so far. Ha! We have had our ups and our downs but in the end I would not change a thing. These are all pieces of the puzzle that is me. I will parent my children using our past and our present as examples. I hope to offer my children the same level of devotion and unconditional love that my father bestowed upon me. I hope to support them through all of their endeavors and remain their biggest fan. Thanks for being there for me always, Daddy. I love you always and forever.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Who the Hell Am I?
Good question. I am evolving. I know that as people we always are but at this particular moment in my life I have been doing so rather rapidly. I have been pretty set in my ways until recently. Having the twins has put changes in motion that I may and may not like. I also know that some of these changes are necessary and I am not really fighting them. I'm rolling with them. As if there was really a choice.
I make my bed every day. Crazy, right? I have not done this regularly in as long as I can remember. I was always in such a rush during my mornings. Not anymore. Now I do it. It feels strangely nice. Sort of like getting dressed in the morning. I still consider walking right by it sometimes, old habits you know, but then I stop myself and take the few seconds and actually make it. I figure there is no longer any good excuses. I am here all day every day now. Why not make the bed?
I have had to reschedule many appointments in the last eight weeks. This was really unlike me. Nowadays, it is just the way it goes. I have a nearly three year old girl and eight week old twin boys at home with me all day long. (The older kids are usually in school) Sometimes I just can not get somewhere. This bothers me a little bit but I know it is for the best and I have to remain flexible. It ultimately comes down to the kids well being, happiness and stress levels. I have to anticipate their moods and collective voices. I have to be kind to all of us and not push our limits unless absolutely necessary. I may have to reschedule sometimes but I will be forever punctual. If I am going to be somewhere, I will be there on time. This I can not let go of. Even with all the kids, I am pretty good at getting all of us ready and out the door on time. It is important to me. I really can't stand the feeling of being late. I avoid it as much as possible.
My laundry and dishes don't pile up anymore. These tasks, along with raising five kids and running our household, are all part of my new career, Stay-At-Home-Mom. My laundry baskets and sink are my new "Inboxes". I heard it takes 28 days to form a habit. I am not so sure. I have been home for eight weeks now and I still struggle a bit. I have to make a conscious effort every single day in order to stay on top of these things. Although, it could just be because I am at the mercy of five strange young beings I willingly share my house with. (wink)
I don't really sleep anymore. Apparently, I can still function surprisingly well with only a couple hours here and a couple hours there. It is not the most restful sleep either. I sleep with one eye open, so to speak, most of the time. I don't expect to be able to keep this up too much longer and should probably start finding ways to get a little more sleep soon. For the time being, I am hanging in there. I have always been one of those people that can fall asleep anytime and anywhere. I could sleep until two in the afternoon every single day if I had no responsibilities at all. Strangely, it seems with every new child I have I get less and less sleep at night. Imagine the odds.
I, admittedly, don't look quite my best lately. I was a working gal until the end of September. I wore nice clothes with all the fun accessories to match. I wore nylons and cute high heeled shoes. I did my make-up every morning and felt quite "put together". I took pride in my appearance at work. I am a firm believer in the saying, "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." I lived by these words, most days. These days, I'm lucky if I even get to brush my hair. I wear comfy clothes and fuzzy socks. I think I have put make-up on three times in the last eight weeks. I'm sure this sounds nice at first but, trust me, it can get a little old. I want to be cute again. Ha, ha. I have somewhere between five and ten pounds left to lose and then all of my normal clothes should fit me again. Then the trick will be to find the time to put it all on. But, then again, maybe I would just use that time to scarf some food down quickly before somebody needs something else. Maybe I would even get a potty break. (smirk)
The list goes on and on. The babies might have to cry a little bit longer than I would usually allow while they wait their turn for a clean diaper or I prepare two bottles instead of just one. My daughter might not get a bubble bath every other night like I would prefer. I make more dinners in the crock pot in order to save myself time in the kitchen at night. My house is a little bit cleaner that usual. I was actually able to audition for a play, which is something I have not been able to do since I was a junior in high school. I don't get to run to the store as often as I would like to. And so on. This is all OK, though. I am in a transitional period in my life. Do not misunderstand this blog entry as me complaining. Think of it more as though I am just stating the facts with a hint of sarcasm. A little bit of venting to an adult audience, as I am surrounded by small children all day otherwise. I am so very lucky to have what I have. I love this new version of my life and will embrace each day as it comes. I am truly blessed and I will not take this all for granted. Here is to the new and ever changing me.
I make my bed every day. Crazy, right? I have not done this regularly in as long as I can remember. I was always in such a rush during my mornings. Not anymore. Now I do it. It feels strangely nice. Sort of like getting dressed in the morning. I still consider walking right by it sometimes, old habits you know, but then I stop myself and take the few seconds and actually make it. I figure there is no longer any good excuses. I am here all day every day now. Why not make the bed?
I have had to reschedule many appointments in the last eight weeks. This was really unlike me. Nowadays, it is just the way it goes. I have a nearly three year old girl and eight week old twin boys at home with me all day long. (The older kids are usually in school) Sometimes I just can not get somewhere. This bothers me a little bit but I know it is for the best and I have to remain flexible. It ultimately comes down to the kids well being, happiness and stress levels. I have to anticipate their moods and collective voices. I have to be kind to all of us and not push our limits unless absolutely necessary. I may have to reschedule sometimes but I will be forever punctual. If I am going to be somewhere, I will be there on time. This I can not let go of. Even with all the kids, I am pretty good at getting all of us ready and out the door on time. It is important to me. I really can't stand the feeling of being late. I avoid it as much as possible.
My laundry and dishes don't pile up anymore. These tasks, along with raising five kids and running our household, are all part of my new career, Stay-At-Home-Mom. My laundry baskets and sink are my new "Inboxes". I heard it takes 28 days to form a habit. I am not so sure. I have been home for eight weeks now and I still struggle a bit. I have to make a conscious effort every single day in order to stay on top of these things. Although, it could just be because I am at the mercy of five strange young beings I willingly share my house with. (wink)
I don't really sleep anymore. Apparently, I can still function surprisingly well with only a couple hours here and a couple hours there. It is not the most restful sleep either. I sleep with one eye open, so to speak, most of the time. I don't expect to be able to keep this up too much longer and should probably start finding ways to get a little more sleep soon. For the time being, I am hanging in there. I have always been one of those people that can fall asleep anytime and anywhere. I could sleep until two in the afternoon every single day if I had no responsibilities at all. Strangely, it seems with every new child I have I get less and less sleep at night. Imagine the odds.
I, admittedly, don't look quite my best lately. I was a working gal until the end of September. I wore nice clothes with all the fun accessories to match. I wore nylons and cute high heeled shoes. I did my make-up every morning and felt quite "put together". I took pride in my appearance at work. I am a firm believer in the saying, "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." I lived by these words, most days. These days, I'm lucky if I even get to brush my hair. I wear comfy clothes and fuzzy socks. I think I have put make-up on three times in the last eight weeks. I'm sure this sounds nice at first but, trust me, it can get a little old. I want to be cute again. Ha, ha. I have somewhere between five and ten pounds left to lose and then all of my normal clothes should fit me again. Then the trick will be to find the time to put it all on. But, then again, maybe I would just use that time to scarf some food down quickly before somebody needs something else. Maybe I would even get a potty break. (smirk)
The list goes on and on. The babies might have to cry a little bit longer than I would usually allow while they wait their turn for a clean diaper or I prepare two bottles instead of just one. My daughter might not get a bubble bath every other night like I would prefer. I make more dinners in the crock pot in order to save myself time in the kitchen at night. My house is a little bit cleaner that usual. I was actually able to audition for a play, which is something I have not been able to do since I was a junior in high school. I don't get to run to the store as often as I would like to. And so on. This is all OK, though. I am in a transitional period in my life. Do not misunderstand this blog entry as me complaining. Think of it more as though I am just stating the facts with a hint of sarcasm. A little bit of venting to an adult audience, as I am surrounded by small children all day otherwise. I am so very lucky to have what I have. I love this new version of my life and will embrace each day as it comes. I am truly blessed and I will not take this all for granted. Here is to the new and ever changing me.
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